finals, grades, VBP and presents

So finals are over! Thank god! Although, I’m not sure if I can relax yet because they haven’t posted our grades yet. Bastards. I’ve been checking every day for the past week. I was hardcore stressing about them, I think they’re fucking with me. Anyway, until I find out just how bad I did I’m going to let you see the few texts that round out my crazy study time… Enjoy.

MY HEAD IS A BOX FILLED WITH NOTHING – Sent to Satan

Ugh. I just went to the library. Screaming kids everywhere. Thank god I didn’t go to study today, I’d be in jail instead of taking finals on Monday. – So true. Put it on a leash and shut it the hell up. Please and thank-you.

How dare SF#2 call and bitch that I can’t hang out with her. I have three finals on Monday and a paper that is destroying my soul! Really bitch? How dare she! – I got indignant, strange for me I’m sure.

I’m freaking out. This paper is going to be the death of me. All I want to do is play yahtzee on my cell phone, cry and eat peanut m&m’s while rocking back and forth on my bed pulling out my hair! – Flair for the dramatic. It’s genetic.

Those are just a sampling. I just want to know my fucking grades. Bastards. Well, since I’m “working” right now I guess I have time to also relay my story about my VBP status.

Lately, I’ve been feeling there was something missing. That something missing was me getting some ass. I decided to remedy this situation on Saturday night (while I was supposed to be studying for finals, horrible person, I know).

Bryan was coming to town and he would be the perfect remedy. The bastard decided to hang out with his friends from Wisconsin though, thus I had to do the drive of shame to Wisconsin twice. Once to get ass and once to get home.

All I have to say is mission accomplished and I’m not sure I’ll be going back there with him ever. It was ok, I mean it was nice and all. He did have the nerve to tell me after we were done that he felt guilty. Why is that? Oh, because he’s been seeing some girl for a while. Oh really? I made him feel like two inches tall (me being the emotional terrorist and all) by telling him I felt used and violated. Hee. VBP back in effect! I also drove Nel home and made out with him in his driveway. I’m a horrible person.

I just don’t care.

I should have called him a pleasure probe.

Tonight Satan, SF#1, and I are getting together to do presents. I’m excited. Not to hang out with SF#1. I love presents, I hate Christmas. Why do I want to celebrate my mortal enemies birthday? Sigh. Maybe next post I’ll tell you about my awesome FOB dream.

christmas, finals, snow anger

Finals make me want to run to the nearest window and jump. Logically it being winter and them being closed will prevent me from doing so. Also, if I decide to end it all I'm not going half assed. I could survive that shit. How pissed would I be if I ended up in a wheelchair but not dead. Pretty fucking pissed I would have to say.

Fuck finals!

I have three on Monday and one on Thursday, right now I'm trying to not shit my pants. I hate tests in general. I hate studying. I will probably pop a blood vessel on Saturday when I go to the library and there are no rooms to study. I will murder and maim someone. I MEAN PERMANENT DISFIGUREMENT!

I want to sit her and bitch and bitch and bitch, but I can't. Why? Because I have to go do my final review for my math final. I hate this time of year. FINALS, SNOW, CHRISTMAS? Go fuck yourself each and everyone.

Every time a bell rings I want to choke someone, no angels allowed. Hope they never fly.

group work with retards

New bane of my existence... GROUP WORK! I fucking hate getting paired up with incompetent people. I really enjoy that tomorrow I'm doing a group project in my InterComm class and no one is ready. It thrills me to no end. Normally, I wouldn't care but it's a GROUP GRADE TOO! Jesus people. I really hate today. I'm going to the library tonight to work out what I'm going to say. I will be happy when it's Wednesday. Wish me luck on not killing anyone. Over and out.

a blood vessel full of hate

I've been slacking lately. I know. I know. In my defense I've been super fucking busy. Finals are in two weeks and I've been trying to get my school shit in gear. I've been slacking lately and it had to stop. I decided to make this my random text blog... I hope you enjoy the rage that is my thumb and my eyes not paying attention in traffic. I do this for you people. I really do.

.........

Satan text me about how much she loves Christmas music on the 12th of November. NOT EVEN THANKSGIVING YET! UGH! So I said...

LMAO let it snow let it snow let it BOOM! I just shot frosty in the head.

Kids are crying. Mothers are upset. And I'm cleaning my shot gun. Where's Santa?

I'm a horrible person and I realize that. But perhaps instead of playing Christmas music at such an early date they should play soothing meditation music. I believe that it would save a lot of lives.

..........

My parent's went away a few weekends ago. It was glorious. It was too short. Can't they go on extended vacation anytime soon? At first I hated it because I was alone with the dog and cats. I had to take that little fucker out on many occasions where he would not shit and I would be late for work and have to drive at a pace not suitable for human habitation to get to work on time. The nice thing was I could do whatever wherever I wanted to...

LOL I can do anything. I declare this naked day!

It's too cold for naked day. Heat being turned up...

Alas my naked day didn't last very long but it was freeing none the less. I miss naked day.

.........

Satan text me about something that had upset her, naturally she wanted to do bodily harm to the person who inflicted stress on her persons. This my response to her anger.

Don't kill anyone. No one looks good in orange or stripes!

She replied that she could rock that shit.

LMAO that was meant to deter not encourage.

Sigh, she brightens my world.

.........

I was a tiny bit upset with SF#1 so I text Satan this...

Guess who wanted to hang out tonight? I was like I'm staying home tonight. No reply. You know who she kinda reminds me of? The koolaide pitcher. She can just wear red and put a handle on her head and say 'oh yeah' for Halloween next year.

I'm so mean sometimes I surprise myself.

.........

I love SNL. A few weeks ago it was the Paul Rudd/Beyonce episode. I text Satan an unreasonable amount of times about this episode considering she wasn't watching it and we had already said goodnight. Here are just a sampling of my oddness.

I want to have Seth Meyers puppies.

Paul Rudd is hosting. And Beyonce. I'm not watching it for Armpits McGee.

OMG Justin Timberlake is on. LOL he's actually really funny. Oh and now he's doing 'Sexy Back' on the weekend update desk. Seth is doing the 'Yeah' part!

I never thought I would live to see the day that Justin Timberlake would be in a one piece black bathing suit and high heels trying to dancing with Andy Samberg trying to dance in one of Beyonce's music videos. I fucking rolled. Oh god I can't breathe!

Beyonce, beyonce, beyonce. The wind machine is working against you. If you didn't put on lip gloss like a hooker who just discovered Wet N' Wild you wouldn't have this problem.

I loved that episode. They had a digital short called 'Clearing the Air' which also made me lose my shit. I'm not so sure about the new people on the show, but otherwise one you should YouTube nonetheless.

.........

I believe that I don't need to recap how much I love my job/boss/bosses boss/coworkers right?

I'm really in no mood today. I wanted to give my boss a hysterectomy with an ice auger today. It's really a shame, I would have enjoyed it too.

Years of therapy cannot undo the damage that is my thought process.

..........

Shitty thing about mittens number one. You can't flick people off.

Shitty thing about mittens two. You can't text worth a damn.

..........

I am not about to admit one of my biggest irrational fears in my blog, but this next text should give you a hint. PS. Satan and I had an entire conversation which I'm omitting from this post. It possibly was one of the funniest things we have ever discussed. I will put in something for her. DAMN SQUIRRELS AND CHIPMUNKS!

I am going to murder my neighbors! They have a reindeer and lights for Christmas up. Shit shines right into my room and lights it up like the forth of July. Oh and they keep them on all night. They're just lucky they don't have one of those animatronic ones because I would lose my shit!

...........

Love is lost between Kitty and I.

Kitty ate an orange bag. I wonder if she'll go to the big catnip in the sky.

I know I'm horrible, she didn't die though.

...........

What part of drive up ATM screams get out of your car and use it? This is three people in a row at the credit union. I give up.

.........

SF#1 wants her own Edward.... It says that on her facebook. Bitch. I will karate chop you in the windpipe and leave you for dead in a snow bank!

Don't talk about him like that, please he would never. You're disgusting. Oh and step the hell off Mom.

..........

We had to talk about assisted suicide/euthanasia in my psych class. I've mentioned how much I loathe this class before, but it does have some high points.

LMAO this girl said that if you lose all of your limbs you should be put to sleep. Hee. I giggled.

Not very pc, I know. But I come from a home where one of my parents is missing a limb so it's ok for me to laugh at this. I actually love that because it gives me free reign to laugh at disabled people too. Straight to hell.

............

Ugh, ok I have to go to my math class. Next post I do I'm going to have to talk about shingles and my oath. Back to the real world.

they killed bambi, eh bambi deserved it

My first hunting opener was interesting.

Satan and I went to visit her Grandma in Roseau. A six hour drive in the dark? Scary as all hell. Not scary so much as tense. We saw 32 deer on way up there and we were waiting for some of those little bastards grazing lazily to make a break for it in front of her car. Needless to say once we we're out of the car we were stiff and tired as heck.

We made it up in record time apparently because Satan is a speed demon. I didn't think we we're going that fast, her dad did. He he he.

I think the funniest things that happened in that six hour span were as follows; the way Satan called a doe a DICK!, the way Satan said "Oh God!" when we tried to pass a truck and a semi came around a curve right at us, and finally when Satan threw her BurgerKing out the window and it got all mayonnaise greasy.

The last one wasn't as funny until the next morning when I looked back and there was a huge blob of mayo and a piece of lettuce stuck to the back window. I imagined that the piece of lettuce was indignant and held on just to spite her. We roared when I discovered that one. Oof, I'm laughing now as I type this.

We were definitely spoiled by her Grandma. We got breakfast every morning! Pancakes, eggs, ham, toast, bacon, oh my! I'm used to having nothing so this was definitely an step up. She taught us how to make yummy chocolate chip/oatmeal cookies. She took us sightseeing, to craft fares, to eat, to shop, to see dead deer, to Pamida and everywhere else in between. I can honestly say that everything there is to do in Roseau we accomplished in the first three hours there. It's a little town. We made the most of it though. We didn't even drink, not that there were many options but that is a definite challenge for us.

Rather our time was spent on crosswords or should I say looking for them. We went to three gas stations and the Pamida on Friday night and nothing! I was pissed. They did however have The Pirate Lord at Pamida. I'm getting that for you Satan, you just wait!

We may have or may have not lied and just drove around to smoke a few times too.

All and all I have to close with these words of wisdom...

Un Petit...

DICK!

Farkle (Is that how you spell it Satan?)

Bullshit!

election/halloween/rage

I haven’t posted in a while. I feel like I have to make some lame excuse for being negligent but in reality I don’t care. I’ve decided to take you through a few important days; Halloween, Election Day, etc. Mostly these are the texts I’ve sent. Of course it wouldn’t be a party unless I put the few rage/hate/indignance filled messages that I’ve sent also. I do this for you people. Not for me, never for me.

Halloween 2008

I’m not going to lie. I feel a bit weird rocking out to Shinedown as a pirate. I’m going to feel even worse when I have to walk in. Stupid unity!

We had to dress up for a team building activity. We had to do trust exercises. I was livid. No I do not want to fall and have you people catch me! I am not a tiny dancer like Heidi and or the rest of them. I will not fall so you guys can realize how heavy I actually am. I’d like to keep that secret to myself you bastards. Ugh. I did win Scariest Costume though for our costume competition. I was not a scary pirate! I was a semi sexy pirate. But when your competition is a bunch of crayons I guess you could consider me scary.

Saturday at the Library

I get to go to church. Yay! PS my boyfriend said we’re wearing the same color. I said it was meant to be. He laughed.

I have a sick fantasy. I love the little librarian nerd. He’s adorable. In a weird way, mostly I just like messing with him. That day I was late so I thought I wouldn’t get a room so I was charging in there and he was still opening the side doors. He totally waved at me. Not just a wave hello but that little finger wave, you know what I’m talking about. Anyway he made eyes at me the entire time he was putting away the DVD’s, I did my best to look like I was working hard. When I was leaving I had to go to the desk to get some DVD’s I requested, we made small talk. It’s disturbing how much fun it is to make him squirm. Sigh. I’m going to hell.

Saturday in Church

FML Jesus is so needy! Every weekend god? Really now?

I can feel the floor getting ready to open up as I type this. I might be in trouble in the after life. There is a definite, very slight, possibly large, maybe medium type chance of me not making it to heaven later in life.

Saturday Night

I went out with the girls from work; we went to Satan’s and my spot. I was bored to tears. It was weird when Satan and Cartboy came in and I didn’t get to talk to her very much. It felt wrong. We did text back and forth though about how weird they are and how much we wanted to hang out with each other. Sigh, it was torture. We’re sick in the face. Then the drama started!

I found out from Nel that Bryan was coming into town. Bryan never said a word to me. It’s funny because like the night before I was telling Satan that I think he got a girlfriend because he was acting funny. Then that happened? Rude. So Nel invited me over and I was actually thinking about it, after all Bryan was the one who said he wanted me to be friends with them. Anyway when I was leaving the girls for the evening I get a text from Bryan saying that I shouldn’t come. Keep in mind that I haven’t talked to him yet, I wasn’t even supposed to know he was in town. I immediately called Nel and was like thanks for ratting me out. He said he didn’t tell Bryan, he said he was looking forward to the awkward moment when I arrived. We deduced together that it was Jase who told Bryan because Nel told him that I might stop by. Little bastard!

Nelson and I also had the weirdest conversation ever. He was all for me coming over anyway, even if Bryan was being a little bitch and pouting on the couch. I was like if I come I’m getting hammered and I’ll have to stay, he said that was fine and that I could sleep in his bed. I said I bet that would go over real well with everyone, Jase included. That had him roaring. I know I’m a riot! Anyway, he then asked me why we had never had sex. I really was shocked. But then I got over it and said that I should just fuck him instead because then I wouldn’t have to deal with the drama. He got real quiet; I actually thought I had offended him or something. Then he said the ballsiest/funniest thing ever. He said I had to promise, nay oath that I would have sex with him someday. I of course agreed. I figured he was kidding, he was not kidding. He was like come over now. I said hell to the no. There would be dramz that I was not willing to suffer through. The he asked what I was doing this weekend, told him I was going out of town, and then he asked about next weekend, or the one after that. LMAO. It was refreshing.

He then demanded to know why I am going out of town tonight. I told him we were going to visit Satan’s grandma and go to craft shows and hang out. He laughed so hard that I thought he was going to die from a lack of air. Rude, we can assimilate just as well doing that as getting hammered and making back choices. I then told him we were going to bake cookies, he said the funniest shit ever to that. I was shocked! He said he was half hard thinking about me baking. What a sicko! I laughed though. I know that I’m sick too so it’s all good. After I got off the phone with him I called and left Jase a hate filled message and told him he was a little bitch who like to tattle and that I hoped his dick turns black and falls off. Too much? I also called Bryan and pretty much said it was nice knowing him and that if he wanted to talk he could call me. I also called him every name in the book. I’m mean.

Sorry, that was long winded as hell but I had to get it out!

Election Day

Holy fuck the lines to vote are long, I’ll go after school. No way am I going to chance my heart with rage having to stand behind those morons!

If people haven’t made up there minds on whom they’re going to vote for yet, I highly doubt you standing on an overpass with election signs are going to sway them! Also you dick with your end abortion, vote republican sign - I hope we have another thirty-five type collapse and you die for your cause!

LMAO my dad is getting indignant and racist as shit! He is yelling at the TV like Obama can hear him. Oh god he’s pacing too. I’m going in my room and pretending I didn’t vote for him.

I’m like yeah I voted for McCain. Go republicans. They’ll end abortion and jesus loves them! Yay republicans!

LOL bitter betty has turned the channel and is insisting that it’s rigged and or he’ll be assassinated anyway.

Obviously I voted for Obama. My dad on the other hand is a staunch republican. I can’t speak to him about politics because he is insane. I mean clinically. I just nod my head and agree. There is nothing else I can say to him. The only thing I can say to you is THANK GOD SARAH PALIN DIDN’T GET INTO OFFICE!

Random Rage/Funny

(I sent a picture of a man getting a massage by another man… that picture was priceless, the message I included with it should give you a pretty good visual) This dude looks way uncomfortable to have his giblets rubbed by another man. I know you can’t see his face but there is definitely gay terror on it!

Satan sent me this: I nearly pooped a blood vessel of hateful rage!
I replied: That was graphic and very descriptive. I may have made the gagging noise while laughing and actually gagged!

I love the slow down option in our voicemail at work, it makes everyone sound drunk and retarded!

I’m just wondering what miracle or apparition has appeared on highway, because there is no reason why we should be at a dead stop! Unless it’s Mother Mary performing a strip tease could you move your mother fucking asses? Please and thank you!

Satan sent me another text saying: That test left me feeling cold and alone. It raped me. I feel so dirty.

I about rolled on the floor I was laughing so hard. She is one funny SOB!

Ok that’s all folks. I have to work for another six hours and then Satan and I are out of here. Roseau Road Trip 08’ baby! Were going to tear up the town, they wont know what hit them.

Hugs and kisses!

mornings/hyundai elantra

It's really not a secret that I loathe Wednesdays. They are my days from hell, my burden to bear, my path to walk. I believe that the text I sent Satan this morning when I got onto the highway sums up my malevolence for this day.

OMG it's morning! How lovely! It just doesn't get any better than this! Ah traffic! I missed thee! Lets spend the next forty minutes together my love! I'm so glad I could shit rainbows and puppies and little elves that sing church hymns! I love life!

If you don't see the sarcasm literally bleeding from that passage then you are an obtuse inane excuse for a human being. The fact that I took it to little elves that sing church hymns was a whole other level of angry. I have issues.

Satan replied with : Fucking lovely! When I need to be early my ass leaves late. Fuck everyone! Ruse they day if they don't move their ass!

Obviously she was just as thrilled with the morning as me.

She then said : My monster is warm and god hates me.

It took all of my strength to not chuckle, because I was in a bad mood.

All I could muster was: God and I have been fighting since I was eight and I told him his beard was gay. He can fuck off with his holier than thou attitude.

Which is true. I'm seriously going to be the one who gets struck down for making fun of god. I really don't know why I blame him for everything that goes wrong. It's just easier.

Satan replied: LMAO! I'm going to go with firey hell pit pissed today.

Always an appropriate descriptor of rage, if I do say so myself.

She then said : Piece of shit! Fucking durango! I think my right arm is going to start to hurt.

I laughed at this also because she thinks its funny that I name people that drive like idiots after their cars. See the bottom of this post for a little example of this...

A few other texts she sent me that cracked my shit up were - RUE THE MOTHER FUCKING DAY PEOPLE! They have no idea of the hate and rage in my black shriveled heart!

And Oh did you need to go west?! Shouldn't you have thought about that TWO MILES BACK? PIECE OF SHIT MOTHER FUCK! The really funny part was that her phone kept saying movies instead of mother so it said 'MOVIES FUCK!' and it replaced other words that I fixed for the sake of this blog and her sanity.

Her reply to the fact that her phone was being unruly was priceless...

GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING PHONE! OH MY FUCKING CHRIST! YOU WILL PAY!

On another note Emily text me this morning when I was in English and this shit made me lose it and giggle out loud. She said: Gas is 2.19!? I'm about to tongue kiss the pump!

The library has been a hot bed of activity lately, I went last night and there was this little kid climbing all over the large rocks out front. I hate when they do that! I don't care if you want to sit on them, but for the love of Christ stay off of them! It is not a god damn jungle gym you little bastards! I text Satan - Every time I see a kid fucking around on those big rocks outside I wish for them to fall and knock out their two front teeth. It would be an added bonus if they weren't their baby teeth! I'm evil. No denying it. Rather it reminds me of when Satan was at the library on Monday she text me about all of the screaming kids running around. We hate those little bastards equally and she text me all of the evil things that she wanted to do to them, something about public transportation blowing up, I'm not sure. I did text her my new idea for anyone that crosses me - Hope they die while taking painful shits! I really think this would be fitting. I then followed it up with - LOL to be found dead next to the toilet with shit all over you. Oh the shame!

Of course now that I said this it will probably happen to me. No, maybe not. I believe Satan's prediction of me going out in traffic will be the way I go. BATWING!

As promised above...

Open letter to the driver on 36 Tuesday at 6:03 p.m.

Dear White Hyundai Elantra,

The fact that you must really love cats is lost to no one. Thank you so much for putting that random brass cat in your back window on a string so it swings and the light reflects off of it and into my eyes! It's a real joy to almost drive off of the road because of your affinity for cats! The fact that it did it more than once was your downfall. I also really enjoyed the way you insisted on riding that middle line and going ten under the speed limit. It was a real joy to be stuck behind you for over six miles. I hope that we can do it again real soon because KNOW THAT I will find you and make you pay. It may not be this week, or this year for that matter. Just know that I am coming for you and you will rue the mother fucking day. I hope I haunt your dreams. Karma is a bitch! Lock your doors, lock your windows. Nothing will keep you safe!

Lots of love & keep those cats safe and indoors,

El Diablo

*muah*

XOXO

snot in or around my face

This is utterly fucking ridiculous. I'm sitting here in the computer lab trying not to fall asleep. I feel like butt! I have two and a half hours before my class starts. I really should be in bed but I can't miss anymore classes without my scholastic career turning into a shitstorm. Fuck my life.

I just took my psych exam. Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah I'm almost positive I failed it. Super awesome! Thanks illness! Well, I probably could have taken it on Wednesday but to be honest I probably wouldn't have studied anyway. "Might as well get this shit over with!" Were my exact words to the girl I sit next too. She laughed. I didn't clarify that I wasn't kidding, who cares?

I miss Satan. Sniff! I really do. I haven't seen her in like over a week. This weekend is Halloween and we both sort of agreed that we wouldn't be dressing up so I'm not sure exactly what we're going to do. Friday is my night, as clarified by Troy, so I'm sort of curious to see what we end up doing. We always have fun, and I refuse to be fucking sick this weekend. I FUCKING REFUSE! I will not spend the entire weekend in bed again. I WILL NOT! Oof. I'm getting myself worked up for no reason. I do have an awesome costume idear if she decides we should dress up though. I wont spoil it, but if it doesn't work out then maybe I'll save it for next year.

On a different note I've been being sick stalked by Bryan. He knows I'm sick and wont leave me alone. He's called twice a day for the past four days. I haven't really answered because I even sound like ass and my throat hurts, but he's fucking determined. He has text constantly too. I think he feels like this is the only time I would ever reply because I'm not busy. I told him I was going to work and school today. He actually had the nerve to tell me he didn't think it was a good idea. Ok, Mom. Jesus Henry.

John called me a few times, I've decided to just take it one day at a time with him. I'm not actively seeking him out but I'm not cutting him out when he calls me. We'll never be as close as we were once but I'm a coward and can't cut people out. I think it's because I'm a Gemini. Or something. I talked to Josh about it and he agreed that I should give him another chance. Very big of him considering that they aren't even talking. Whatever, boys are dumb.

I've sat here for the past three minutes looking at my finger. Yeah, I'm the picture of health. Gag. I'm hot and cold. If I get sick again and or worse than I am now because I'm not in bed - I'll probably just kill myself. Crossing fingers that doesn't happen.

So I've cut my wait time to two hours and fifteen minutes. Stupid post.

Peace!

rage texts

Here are all the texts I've saved over the last week while sick...

I can’t even look at this hunk of shit without contempt for the blue line…

Suicide before betrayal! Motherfucking blue line! Rue the day!

I had like ten candy corn pumpkins and now I want to hurl!

Oh that was unfuckingcomfortable. We had to talk about a significant death in our lives in front of the class. Maybe some people don’t want to do that in front of forty people. Like 5 people started crying. Perhaps smaller groups, or not at all. Dick.

I don’t do feelings. I’m not a ‘girl’ one dude said. I laughed. Not an appropriate response apparently from the dagger eyes one bitch gave me. Go fuck yourself!

LOL it was the same girl who fell, we are now mortal enemies.

I want to ram this cunt in front of me! I hope you die a painful death you prolife whore from hell! I hope all of your kids have down syndrome and you get laid off from that eight dollar an hour job you have because you didn’t finish high school and they all starve to death!

I’m watching HP and crying. What is wrong with me?

Stupid Cho – I don’t care if it was the vertiaserum never liked her. You get Edward and now you want Harry? Doesn’t work that way – sorry bitch!

Booze you evil cunt whore! Blackhearted bitch! We are fighting. I also blame booze for my shoddy immune system.

OMG! OK THAT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME! A GAGGLE OF TURKEYS JUST RAN OUT IN FRONT OF MY CAR ON 61 – THERE WERE LIKE EIGHT OF THEM! WHAT IN THE JESUS HENRY WAS THAT? I’M ON A LOT OF COLD MEDICINE BUT THAT WAS NO HALLUCINATION! OTHER CARS STOPPED TOO! OOF. OK IF THE ILLNESS DOESN’T KILL ME SURELY MY HEART EXPLODING FROM STRESS WILL DO ME IN. OMG. SHIT. FUCK. OOF. TURKEYS?! REALLY GOD? YOU WILL PAY!

I WANT THE DNR TO INVESTIGATE!

I want the traffic camera footage! I wonder if you can request that shit. Post it on youtube. I was accosted by turkeys. Omfg. Borders on ridiculous! I no longer feel bad about slaughtering them for Thanksgiving. Them’s dumb birds!

My dad doesn’t believe me. Why would I make that up?

Oh I just had to have an hour meeting with my bosses boss on how I can do my job better.
Fuck off. I was singled out. Rude. That’s fine. I’ll just use the remainder of my day to blog. Time theft this cunt!

I hope she likes visine in her folgers!

I just got cough medicine in my eye! Ouch. FUCK!

Someone better be dead! There is no fucking excuse for traffic! I’m going to be late and I left ten early. Now I’m sitting at a dead fucking stop planning mass destruction!

Fucking squirrels and sea gulls! This is my work parking lot not Jack Hannah’s Animal Adventure! Get the hell away from me!

I can't even muster an explanation for any of them so you be your own guide!

Let the force be with you!

our version of mastercard/legendary

One bottle of Kettle One: $22.00 (Gone in an instant)
Two taco’s a piece: Zero Dollars (Delicious)
Three drunken phone calls: Zero dollars (‘What did I say again?’)
_______________________________________________
Finding a huge piece of ground beef in your best friends hair the morning after: Priceless.

Besides fucking MOUTH ruining the evening and the vicious hangover I had, last Friday night was pretty legendary. I honestly remember few things. The highlights would have to be:

1. Satan and I hugging and sobbing in her kitchen, for no apparent reason.

2. Satan and I blasting Pink, for no apparent reason.

3. Satan calling her aunt and uncle, for no apparent reason.

4. Me calling John for 3 minutes and 12 seconds, I don’t remember a word said.

5. Me falling down the stairs and bruising more than just my dignity.

6. Satan and I watching UFC and drooling over the hot men.

7. Me sitting on the bathroom floor vomiting and blacking out.

8. Me stealing Mouths bed. I would never do this, I believe I was goaded into this.

9. Satan and I having ‘balls’ written on our heads by Mouth.

10. Mouth telling me I have a fat head, jerk.

11. Waking up in a strange bed (shut the shell up to anyone with any comments that it happens all the time, rude) looking up and seeing a huge deer head, scared the bejezus out of me.

Those are just a few of the highlights… I will never get that drunk again. No, I’m not claiming I’ll never drink in that excess again. It was destructive and debilitating. I literally could not go to church the next day. It took me two days to recover and when I finally felt better I got sick. I think I killed my liver. A lot of other things have happened in the last few days so I'll have to post those later...

Oh and FYI I think SFB is getting fired, she fucked with the wrong person. I'll update ya'll on that later... Dun dun dun!

dramz part 2

‘How many times can I break till I shatter?’ Such poignant lyrics, so appropriate for the way I feel today. I don’t know why I let him affect me in such a way. At first I was going to take down the blog I posted last night because I was a wreck. Now I think I need to leave it up so I can remember how he made me feel and how I overreacted. I think I need to calm down some, or at least keep that shit inside. I can honestly only talk to one person about this situation and that is Satan. I can’t talk to Josh because he would overreact and start his macho bullshit. No, rather I informed Satan that she would need to be my Dr. Phil tonight. Even now I feel silly for making this a big deal but I haven’t freaked out that much in a very long time. Obviously I have some pent up anger/sadness/rage that needs to escape.

Drinking will help hopefully. I know it sounds like the ‘alcoholic’ thing to say to retreat to booze to solve my problems. But I had planned on drinking tonight anyway, now I have a reason to get belligerent. Sigh, I only have like four hours before our festivities begin but that seems like an eternity right now.

I am a bitch though. I will admit this fact right now. I emailed him this morning the contents of my blog and one line ‘Don’t use me as an excuse to do anything stupid, I wont be your reason.’ I hope that speaks multitudes. I really don’t want him to start anything because of me or because he’s upset. I wont be a step and I wont be a fucking excuse. I fucking refuse. Jerk.

I had to text him to tell him I emailed him, he has text me a few times since then but I really don’t think he’s read it yet because all of his texts have been nice, cordial even.

It’s only been ten minutes, this shit is going to drag. Sweet.

Ok, I’ll do some work. Fine.

Over and out.

forgive and forget? more like fuck you!

I just have to get this out.

For some reason I can't stop crying right now and that fucking pisses me off to no extent. I am stronger than this, I thought I was stronger than this. I guess not. I don't know where to start.

I really didn't know how upset I was until I had to talk to him. I thought I'd just be 'fake mad' at him and make him grovel, but when he started talking and pretending like nothing happened I fucking lost it. Am I really supposed to forget the six months you've left me hanging? I didn't know if you we're alive! For all I know you could have started up again and died and I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN! YOU DON'T TALK TO ANYONE ANYMORE!

I told him that I wasn't sure I could ever be his friend. Even though he was the best friend I could have ever wished for. He got me through the lowest point of my life. He took care of me, he loved me, he let me be me. I hope I'm not making a mistake, but our conversation has left me with more doubt and questions than I have had in a long time.


I told him that he's cut me out twice now and both times it's killed me. I want him to understand the pain he's caused. I will not let him get away with this, six months is a long fucking time to someone who used to have a heroin addiction. And I've had to wait for you to contact me!

He had the nerve to ask me to forgive him? Forgive you for what? For ignoring me, for not calling your supposed best friends? For turning your back on me, on Ian and Josh? I can understand them, but me? What in the hell did I do?


I told him I wasn't upset that he couldn't even man up and talk to Josh. Or even just find out if he was ok or if he was even alive. No, I am pissed about that! But the issue here is 'us'. I'm more pissed that he cut me out of his life for months on end and then has the fucking nerve to call me and tell me he wanted to be friends. I have been your friend - even for all of the months that you've ignored me. Ignored my calls and emails. I fucking tried! I fucking gave it my all. You made it apparent that I didn't matter. You made your fucking bed.

I asked him if he cut me out because he was protecting me, or protecting himself, or just chicken shit? Did he think I wouldn't support him in trying to stay sober? Did he think I would hurt him? Did he think I wouldn't be there for him? Did he think that talking to me would hinder his chance at a new beginning? Why would he just drop me?

I can't stop torturing myself right now. I really didn't give him the chance to respond. He was beyond pissed, trying to get me to shut up so he could talk. I wouldn't give him the chance. Frankly, I don't really care what he has to say!

I told him it would be better if he never called me again, and I thought I would just cool off. Now I'm laying in my bed blogging and balling. This isn't what I had in mind. I can't call him. I want to but I just can't. If he can deny me, I can deny him. I refuse to be one of his twelve steps. You cannot treat me like that and expect to get away with it.

I can't stop. I'm going to kill myself now, thanks for listening.

el diablo texts, hilarity ensues

I love texts, as you can all tell... Here are some random ones that make me smile...

Josh just called his Asian neighbor a 'sneaky pipsqueak.' Busted my shit up. - Josh is my hero.

A random conversation that Satan and I had about how much we hate early bullshit and people in general:

Me: Today is a good day to go down in history!
Satan: LMAO! I just smelled the air and nodded in agreement.
Me: LMAO oh shit! Now the question is do we combine our fury or do we do it separate and spread that shit out logistics wise?
Satan: Make it legendary!
Me: Bigger bang or mass confusion?
Satan: Bigger bang, mostly for our own enjoyment.
Me: Yes, I'd rather go out in a blaze of glory next to you. If we did it separate they'd all just think it was a terrorist attack.
Satan: Ha ha, great minds.
Me: I love when people watch me do my makeup in the car. Jesus buddy we all can't roll out of bed and look as good as you.
Satan: LOL true that. I look like butt.
Me: Funny thing is he's hot. Prolly jail bait though. They all are here.
Satan: Seriously. Maybe they need a sugar mamma.
Me: Oh lord. And have to go to jail for having sex with a minor?
Me: Ok, how funny would it be if I got arrested for that? I just saw myself in an orange jumper saying 'he swore he was 18'! I'm to cute for jail! I want my mom.

Rereading this I wonder if there is an echelon and if I'm being watched... Probably. Eh, I'm not a baby raper or a terrorist so I think I'm ok. We'll see.

The way he nutted that bastard, he'll be singing soprano for a week! - That was pulled from a book I was reading. Made me giggle like a two year old on crack.

Why do loud mouths speak to me? Does it look like I'm going to support your idiocy? Please homie! Yeah the look I just gave you was contempt - learn and use it. Hatred will set you free! - I surprise myself sometimes with the profound shit I say - it's true. Hatred will set you free!

smokey the bear/tuesday

I'm sure someday I'll look back on this post and laugh, but for now I still find it extremely embarrassing. My cheeks are red. UGH!

Basically it boils down to me.... STARTING A FIRE AT WORK!

I was heating up some pizza rolls at work and suddenly those fuckers burst into flames with a vengeance. I was sitting there reading my Family Circle in peace not really thinking about the horrible smell that was permeating around me. Suddenly this girl I work with walks through the break room and starts freaking out.

Yes folks, I tried to pull an office space and burn my work down. I'm only sad it didn't happen.

Nothing happened except a lot of yellow smoke (?) and some comments to the smell. All was not lost except my dignity. I didn't want to be known as smokey the bear or sparky. In fact I didn't want to be known at all. I enjoy my anonymity at work, I don't like those people so not talking to them makes my life a bit easier. Now I'm one of those annoying co-workers that has a story. I fucking hate pizza rolls and will never use the microwave again. Especially if someone is watching. IF I HEAR SO MUCH AS ONE PERSON SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ME USING THE MICROWAVES IN THE FUTURE I WILL HAVE A STROKE FROM RAGE, AS GOD IS MY WITNESS!

After that I was attacked by a huge spider. My week keeps getting better and better.

case of the mondays

I'll let my texts to Satan tell the story of hatred that was my Monday.

MY FUCKING ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF! WHAT THE HELL? IT WAS ON, THE VOLUME WAS ON HIGH. I'M FUCKING PISSED! SHIT. FUCK. NO SHOWER. NO LUNCH. NO CAFFEINE!

Traffic?! Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm going to fucking scream. Today might be the day I go over the edge. Ha ha. Oh god. Brake lights?!

My fucking lip cracked and it's bleeding like a mug. Today is awesome! Oh and the highway times sign says it's seventeen minutes for my drive instead of the normal six. I'm fucking thrilled!

...Quick pause... It took me an hour to get to work, words cannot express.

OMG I'm crying in class. Ok, well I want to be but I'm keeping it together. That shit was traumatic!

...Again, my psych class had to watch a video of 6 peoples deaths and hospice care. I totally lost my shit when this guy who was dying called his dog in to say goodbye to. I'm almost crying now retelling it. Sniff...

Ha bitch ate it! I love it.

Make fun of me again. Cunt. Ha!

Vindication and revenge is sweet. Sigh.

...Those three texts concern the girl who made fun of me for being scared of spiders, karma?...

I'm sitting in the next car over sunshine. I can hear you. I know you really love the Dixie Chicks. But I really don't need to hear you belt it out like that. In fact it gives me indigestion. So could we please pipe down there Carrie Underwood? Thanks!

Why it amuses me to no end that my instructor has chalk on his ass I'm not sure. It's the little things in life.

inanimate objects

I've been slacking really hard lately, I've been meaning to post a bunch of stuff so I'll try to do that now. I'm going to do these in mini posts because I don't think I can relay all of the shit that has happened to me in one blog, it would be a novel!

Lets start with movies I've seen lately, shall we?

Lars and the Real Girl

I read a few reviews for this one and on the urging of Josh I rented it from the library. I actually liked it. I had a few reservations when it first started, but all in all it was good. Here are some of the texts I sent Satan while viewing...

Omfg. This movie is bizarre - LMAO. - I wasn't really paying attention, actually I was painting my nails and when it started to get good it did so by shocking the shit out of me.

The reaction to seeing his doll for the first time was fucking priceless. - That was from his brother and sister-in-law. They deserve Oscars for the looks they had. It was a combo of scared/humorous/disgust/fascination that I hope to sometime soon perfect so I can bust it out at random times and scare people.

Umm the doll just died. Tell me why I'm sad? Because I am. - I really was, I was getting attached.

OMG Bianca's dead. LMAO I'm going to cry. - Don't tell anyone, but I did. They are such good actors. I felt like a real person died, and then I felt disgust for myself for thinking a inanimate object had any emotions, then in the end I was still sad. I'm sick in the face.

In Bruges

I've seen this one a few times. I absolutely love that shit. It's dark as hell, sadistic, sarcastic and awesome. I could go on but I strongly suggest that you see it. Some texts I sent Satan were...

LMAO like a big fat fucking retarded fucking black girl on a seesaw. Oof - Racist as hell. I approve.

He just karate chopped a midget! I love this fucking movie - The way Colin Farrell said 'back off shorty!' busts me up even to type it. In fact, I love this movie so much I want to capture it forever with some quotes pulled from IMDB. Think of this as a gift to you...

Ray: Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me but I didn't, so it doesn't.

Ray: What are they doing over there? They're filming something. They're filming midgets!
Ken: Ray... [Ray runs off and watches Jimmy being instructed by the director, who Jimmy flicks off as soon as he leaves]
Ken: Ray, come on. Let's go.
Ray: Fuck off, Ken. They're filming midgets.

Harry: [to wife] You're an inanimate fuckin' object!

Harry: [to Yuri] An Uzi? I'm not from South Central Los Angeles. I didn't come here to shoot twenty black ten year olds in a drive-by. I want a normal gun for a normal person.

Ray: I don't hit women. I would never hit a woman, Chloe. I'd hit a woman who was trying to hit me with a bottle. That's different. That's self-defense, isn't it? Or a woman who could do karate. I would never hit a woman generally, Chloe.

Harry: Number One, why aren't you in when I fucking told you to be in? Number Two, why doesn't this hotel have phones with fucking voicemail and not have to leave messages with the fucking receptionist? Number Three, you better fucking be in tomorrow night when I fucking call again or there'll be fucking hell to pay. I'm fucking telling you - Harry.

Ray: [reading Harry's profanity-ridden message] Geez, he's swears a lot, doesn't he?

And there you have it... Don't say I never give you anything... muah.

legendary debauchery

Random texts

Dejelly your belly is what my email is claiming, rude assumer! - I was pissed. First of my penis size is fine thank you very much, then you think I need this one? Rude.

Oh thank Jesus that billboard is gone! - The stupid pro life billboard by my house was replaced, thank the lord. Fat fucking baby heads!

RUE THE MOTHERFUCKING DAY! - Not even sure why I sent this, it just makes me laugh going through my texts and finding this...

Please stop throwing your arms up in the air, I really am disturbed by the man boob movement! - My psych instructor really needs to stop, its not attractive, nor did I ever want to see your crescent moon boob sweat soaking through your shirt. Gag, pish, retch, vomit!

Ninja style! Please homie was there ever a doubt?! I’m lacking dramz in my life… - Cartboy's ex wanted to start some online drama, please! We are the fucking queens of online drama. We put that cunt in her place and then some, pathetic attempts at replies were made but they failed. Don't mess with the best!

I feel like complete butt. - So true, still do.

IT’S FUCKING RAIN PEOPLE! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! I’M GOING TO GUT YOU WITH A PARING KNIFE! I ALMOST HIT THE CAR IN FRONT OF ME! ALL OF MY SHIT WENT FLYING AND MY PURSE DUMPED. HE WILL RUE THE DAY – I’M AT A DEAD FUCKING STOP! I’M FUMING! I CAN’T REACH MY TISSUES! AND IF I HAVE TO SLAM ON THESE BRAKES ONE MORE OOF! FUCK! - All caps are my friends. I was an angry one that morning.

I feel better, I just licked everyones headsets. - I'm evil and I did do that.

I just caught myself chewing on a pen and drooling for like two minutes, fucking cold medicine. - Staring off into space with and chewing on a pen. Really now? Fucking medicine. I didn't come out of it until I felt snot dripping out of my nose. I'm an attractive creature.

Holy shit! A rainbow, god is mocking me. - That bastard has the nerve to put up a rainbow when I'm dying, I know your game dude. I got you.

Ah traffic, you black hearted whore! We meet again. - Black hearted whore, har har.

I’m not sure Redbull and cold medicine was such a good idea. - NEVER, REPEAT, NEVER DO THIS!

I’m seeing double. Fuck! Maybe they should put that shit on the label! - It really should say it on the label. I could have died, and then sued. Damn it, why didn't I at least get into a bad accident!

I hate you with an unspeakable hatred. - Satan text me lyrics to Tiffanys 'I think were alone now' - I gifted her right back... See below... He he he.

One day, one night, Saturday’s all right! Onlines just fine, night time, anytime! Get your degree, set yourself free! National American University! - She hated me after that.

LMAO I couldn’t resist, hugs and kisses! - Was my reply to her venom.

It’s Gods revenge. He wont let it go, dick! - Satan asked why I'm sick all the time. Which lead to me saying it was his revenge which lead to her pondering what he would do to her. I told her he had a special plan for her!

I just dug my gross fingers through the communal candy and licked my finger and dipped it in Julie’s tea. - He he he. It's prolly a good rule of thumb to never mess with me, my revenges are purely diabolical.

Omfg. Omfg. Omfg. Omfg. - I sent this to Satan after I watched the new Twilight trailer. Oof. I wont even go into it, that would be a post on it's own.

You are my life now. Oh snap. And I’m done. - Sigh. Edward. Sent this to Satan and got a Good god reply. Rude, you know you love it too! It's not my fault you were getting ass and couldn't watch it.

I wish my fucking car had sound effects! These fuckers would rue the day! I want a loud speaker! - I really do, like loud braking noises so people think I'm going to hit them, or a loud speaker so I can shout profanities and expletives at them at my leisure.

It's Friday! Woo hoo! And Satan's parents might be leaving for the cabin tonight so that could mean a chance for debauchery. I'm already poised to go to the liquor store and get movies. I don't want to jinx it but I'm pretty sure tonight is going to be LEGENDARY!

Suit up!

sick and tired of being sick and tired

I really hate being sick. Being sick reduces be to an incoherent idiot. I can never work up proper indignation for things and my breath stinks. All I want to do is sleep. Nothing tastes good. People wont leave me alone and yet they do that little ‘Oh your sick? Well, I’m going to take a step back because that’ll ensure I don’t contract your germs dance,’ but continue to ask me inane questions on my health? If you really cared you’d leave me the hell alone, rather now I’m reduced to a good car accident to gawk at. Leave me the hell alone people!

Last weekend was interesting for me… I got to meet Cartboy for starters. He’s funny. Satan, I and Cartboy all went to our spot on Friday night. It was interesting. First off we had to sit at a table because the bar was so crowded, rude. It’s our spot. We should have VIP positions. Anyway, after a while we snagged some spots and moved up to the bar. I didn’t have to drive so I definitely took advantage of that. I do remember having two shots called Apple Sauce’s. They were so yummy! I paid for those later because at like 5 am the next morning I woke up with like dragon fire heartburn.

Oof, back to that night though, I totally got a lap dance from a gay server at TGI-Fridays. Let’s back it up here, when I say lap dance I mean a totally graphic and inappropriate one. Grinding me so hard I almost fell off the damn bar stool. I eventually got him to stop and made him move onto Satan. He also molested our friend Joe. Oh god, the look of horror on Joe’s face made me laugh so hard. It still does. He finally left after snaking most of my drink and we then left. They drove me home and I got to sit in the backseat with Edward. It was awesome! Yes, Satan got me Edward in poster form. I couldn’t wait to give her the present I got her for Christmas, so I gave her the Twilight calendar. Sigh, so dreamy! Speaking of Twilight, the new trailer is out tonight, I have to watch it!!!

Saturday night was Lucifer’s birthday so we (Satan, Cartboy and I) went down to Gustavs in Fridley. Of course it was fucking Oktoberfest so it was packed beyond belief. Satan and I had these drinks called ‘Tie Me to the Bedpost.’ Oh lord. They we’re huge, and like 8 types of booze, but nummy none the less. It was fucking packed in there and we (meaning Cartboy and I) kept getting death stares from a certain dick. I think I mainly kept intercepting them but needless to say the anger was returned full force. Don’t pinch my flab you DICK! Don’t touch me ever again actually! I really don’t like him. I mainly used to feel sorry for this guy but now it’s fucking war. Dickface!

After being sneaky and pretending I was ill, actually I did feel like shit, we all left and I was texting in the back seat on the way home trying to get ass. I know, I know. I’m a classy bitch. I get it. So I get Bryan to agree to come and get me, SCORE! Satan and Cartboy dropped me off and I waited in front of my house for him, I then proceeded to vomit in my planter. Oh shit, things took a turn for the worse after that. Bryan got there and I told him I really didn’t feel so hot. He convinced me to come out with him anyway. I knew it was a bad idea when I made him pull over so I could vomit again! I hate when people see me puke! He was super nice about it; I think he was just glad I didn’t throw up in his precious truck.

When we got to Nel’s I was convinced I was fine and all of a sudden I’m rushing for the bathroom. I decided that I needed to ride out the storm and I would have him drive me home ASAP. I never did leave that toilet. I slept next to it. Bryan even slept in the bathroom with me, alternating rubbing my back and holding my hair and whispering you’ll be ok in my ear. He was fucking adorable. It was comical when I took off my pants and he used them for a pillow and took one whiff of them and almost threw up himself. Oktoberfest had a funny way of ending up all over your pants and then some. The smell of stale beer almost had me going again!

Nel came in at like 6 in the morning and all he did was shake his head. Side note: Amy, Jases new girlfriend, threw up all over their tv, dvds, wii and playstation 3. I totally felt bad and said that I was sorry girls keep coming over to use his house as a vomit station. He laughed and said that at least I didn’t make a mess. I totally scowered the bathroom for any signs of vomit, nothing! I am awesome.

That was my weekend… Monday night I started on this journey that I call sick. It’s Thursday now and I’m feeling better, kinda. I hope this blog makes sense. I’m on more medication than I care to admit right now. I have some funny texts I want to post, but alas those will have to wait. Who knew I’d be required to work at work, how rude!

daily rant/presents!

I have fifteen minutes left of work... I can't do it anymore. I actually worked most of the day here and let me tell you something, it's exhausting! I don't know why anyone bothers. Sigh.

I am so excited that's its Friday. Finally! Tonight Satan and I will be going to our spot and I get to meet her man of the moment... We'll see how that goes. I have to be mean to him for a while. Give him shit for calling me by a name I absolutely can't stand. Eye spasm.

Satan bought me a present today and I am so excited. She is so cute, she text me something like 'I bought you a present!' and when I called her she immediately told me what it was. We're so not good at that kind of stuff, but that's ok because I'm going to give her something I bought her for Christmas tonight. I can't wait either!

Sweet! Only like nine minutes to go! Finally, this fucking day has dragged. I'm not really excited for this weekend (other than tonight and tomorrow night) it's Lucifer's birthday so Satan and I are going to help her celebrate! Other than that I have nothing to do except homework. Woo fucking hoo. I wish that I could hire a ghost writer for all of my papers. I can bullshit like nobodies business but when it's annoying-ly boring like thesis statements and supporting sentences and paragraph structure my shit just glazes over. I can't stand it. Writing should be a fun exercise. Not structured nonsense. No one cares!

Oh well, that's my rant for today.

I don't want even to get into the dream where I was getting married and the groom, priest and Satan all had spiders coming out of their mouths! I woke up screaming and sobbing. It was so real! Gag! Or the fact that when I took the dog out for a walk today I slipped on wet grass, those topics will only make me want to hurt people.

Have a great weekend!

Satan's Rage Redux

Recently Satan called me and left me the most hate filled and angry message ever. Naturally, I found it highly amusing and loved it to death. It goes as follows:

OH MY FUCKING GOD there is like a sea of brake lights! I’m pissed! I’M PISSED OFF! This is bullshit! I have less than 20 minutes to get there and umm ya it’s NOT GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN! OOH…

Let’s pause there and break that down, first off the capitals were real rage. I mean I was actually scared of her voice! And the OOH, she made it sound like a pissed off owl. I laughed so hard snot came out of my nose!

Let’s continue.

…I’m enraged. My heart hurts actually I’m so pissed off! Seriously? I wake up 3 or 4 or 5 minutes later than normal. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? Woosa, woosa…

I often feel chest pains when I’m really upset, are we dying? That can’t be good can it?

…I’m going to kill someone! Oh my god! Oh my god! (Crazy maniacal laughter followed by a sigh.) Really? Brake lights? (Crazy maniacal laughter) I’m going to snap! I’M GOING TO SNAP EL DIABLO! (All said in her crazy voice.)…

Right now as you can imagine I have tears rolling out of my eyes I’m laughing so hard. I have listened to this message over ten times, it never gets old. But honestly the crazy laugh is what does it for me; she’s so good at it!

…(Crazy voice) I just don’t think I could convey the fucking rage in a text message. (Babbles incoherently for a moment) WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM PEOPLE? Move your fucking asses! COCKSUCKER MOTHER FUCKING SHIT MOTHER FUCKERS!...

The next part is a guess on my part because she said it too fast.

…Have a hell of a day, goodbye!

It could have been something different. Anything that she says is hilarious! Oh god, I’m sitting here collapsed in a fit of silent giggles. That brightened my day save for getting away with actual murder or winning the lottery or becoming a vampire. That was the best thing that happened to me all week.

Love you Satan!

text rage/awkward encounters

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fuck you, fuck me, fuck everyone

Another weekend has come and gone and what do I have to show for it?

A slightly fatter ass and no sleep.

Was that a trick question?

Yet again, I got no sleep. I had to run, run, run to get here and do this with this person or pick up this or get my oil changed that. I'm fucking sick and tired of this pace. I just want a day for myself. Is that really so much to ask?

Let us break down this week to see where I'll get some free time...

Monday - Work, school, home for dinner, library, bed.
Tuesday - Work, school, home for dinner, library, bed.
Wednesday - School, home for dinner, library, bed.
Thursday - Work, bed.
Friday - Word, drinks, bed.

Ok, so the drinks on Fridays is all I really have to live for lately. It's sad. I'm sad. I'm tired.

I'm laying in bed right now blogging. This is what I'm reduced to. Jesus Henry Christ.

That's fucking it. I've had it.

Next weekend I'm sleeping the whole damn time, or getting so mind blowing drunk that I have to stay in bed to recover all weekend. Fuck it, fuck you, fuck everyone.

I'm crabby as you probably perceived.

Don't look at me like that.

I'm out.

ode to friday/open letter of hate

I feel the need to vent some anger.

Today is the day from hell. Why might you ask?

1. My dad took the bathroom hostage so I couldn’t dry my hair or fix my face or brush my goddamn teeth. He will suffer.

2. I left late and there was a sea of traffic, why? Because one douche bag got pulled over, thus the gawking masses needed to watch.

3. SFB called in sick today, words cannot express.

4. Because of #3 I’m stuck at the front desk all day, forced to make small talk and be nice to people. I don’t do ‘nice to people’.

Those are just the things that so far have made my day a nightmare. I’ve decided that I today is going to blow no matter what I do. I was totally trying to think positive for my self fulfilling prophesy, but it’s just now working.

Some random texts I feel the need to share:

Never getting a tattoo on the lines of fat on my neck. Very attractive. What tattoo artist would have been like yeah, that’s a good place for it? - Especially Chinese symbols, could you not be original at least?

I’M GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS CAR AND BEAT THE MOTHERFUCKER IN FRONT OF ME WITH MY SHOE! - I had to follow this dick from 494W all the way to 35N and then to 36E. It was raining and people we're driving like their cars were going to melt. Get the hell over it.

I refuse to believe that all people aren’t retarded. I want to see documented proof. It should be a little card you carry around and it should have sections like common sense, reliability, honesty and other shit we can we can judge whether or not you deserve to live. I’m sure I sound like Hitler, I don’t care. Maybe I wouldn’t kill them. Just send them to an island. - This text seemed calm when you read it, but in my head I was screaming this. I am a quiet riot.

Guess who finally came out?! Gayken! - I was actually excited about this, we all knew.

Umm aren’t Amish people supposed to not go to McDonalds? I thought they thought this shit is evil. - I saw a van full of Amish ladies and kids there, seriously isn't that against their religion?

The fact that they have carpet pad called Twilight, makes me want to office space this computer. - I will never get over this. Never. Rue the day!

Any sixty year old woman who whines to get her way deserves to be shot. - A lady at my work does this all the goddamned time. Drives me nuts. You sound and look ridiculous. No wonder your kids never visit you.

Those are just a sample of the week thus far.

I need to talk about my weird call the other day. Nelson called me and asked what I was doing on Thursday. I said nothing, working as usual. He said that he might have an extra ticket for the Twins game (Satan totally went, jealous!) and that he would let me know. I would have been able to make it because the game didn't start until 8:10pm and I was off at 7pm. I was kinda stoked, GO TWINS! Anyway, on Wednesday night he calls and says no such luck. I wasn't really upset, until he told me why I was bumped out. Apparently Jase has a girlfriend. It's still very early but he wanted to introduce her to the guys. He actually got the tickets from work so they weren't Nel's to give anyway. It still stung though. I was actually seething.

I was totally bitter, until Nelson called me last night. He he he. She was a nightmare! Or so he says. She talked the entire time, knew nothing of who was playing or what a big deal the game was. Complained when the game went into extra innings. Made Jase get her food and drinks multiple times. Bitched that she had to walk to the bathroom. (They had good seats, right above the Chicago's dug out thus farther to walk to the bathrooms.) I am so pissed, first off I love the Twins. I know all of the players I want to have babies with. I would have loved those seats and not been annoying. What I'm basically saying is I would make a better girlfriend than her. Not that I want to date him anyway. But because I don't want him he can't want anyone else. Didn't he know this rule? Men. Or should I say boys!

Another thing that's thrown my shit for a loop this week is the 'Pam/Josh Creepy Announcement of 2008'. That's what I'm christening that shit! Ugh. Ok so I'll keep this brief, basically he being the drunk dick that he is kissed me on my birthday. Then fucking three months later he tells Pam? Excuse me? Oh, because you made out with some other random girl at a party you feel like you can justify this by telling my friend that 'it's no big deal, I've made out with Sam for fuck sake!' Excuse me? First off, I'd rather make out with a trashcan of shit on fire before you, you revolt me! Second, why the hell are you telling her? Gag! Third, I find it funny for two reasons; one being instead of focusing on the fact that he may or may not have upto five kids your more pissed about the fact that he made out with some chick and that when you guys fight you bring me into the equation. Saying things like "Why don't you date Sam then?" should never be brought up. It's plain creepy. Now whenever I see the two of you again I'll feel like there is a huge pink elephant tap dancing in the room. Way to make it awkward you two! Ugh!

Sorry, that last paragraph probably makes no sense but I had to release it from the void that is my mind. Sigh, I'm so glad it's the weekend. I deserve a drink!

This will be the first Saturday in a long time that I don't have to get up for shit early. Yay! I'm totally going to drink too much tonight!

Well, it was nice to get that off of my mind. Toodles

Oh one more thing...

Open Letter to Chrome Helmet Bicycle Guy,

First off, I could see you shiny head from three blocks away. If you choose to drive in a lane like a car then I will in fact treat you like a car. Please don't turn around fifteen times and glare at me like I don't see you and I'm breaking an unwritten rule that I can't get close to you. I am ten feet away. I'm not going to hit you. How dare you assume that you are somehow special because you are wearing that ridiculous thing on you head.

Eat shit and die,

El Diablo

Oh and just one more thing...

I had to watch a movie called ‘The Last Tango in Paris’ these are the texts that transpired while watching this: (I'm not even going to add my usual comments, I'll just let your imaginations work!)

And we’re thirteen minutes in and their doing it, they don’t even know eachothers names.

OMG she has a huge bush.

Ok, the premise of this movie is that he orders her to come over to his apartment and have sex with him. No names. No attachments. No talking apparently.

He’s ass raping her with butter. I shit you not.

I am horrified beyond belief.

He just made her cut her fingernails so she could shove them up his ass. She ass raped him with her fingers.

There are just so many things I could say about this movie. I wont because I don’t want to ruin it for you. Not that anyone is rushing out to get this movie made in the seventies with Marlon Brando. I’m just assuming.

Now that I've probably scarred you mentally, have a great weekend!

posh dreams and prone ambitions

It's Friday! Finally. I really started to doubt me getting through this week. It started dragging, oh, Monday morning. I can't wait for the drink that is waiting for me at our spot. It is a well deserved prize for making it through and not killing, maiming or seriously injuring myself or others. Especially toddlers...

I wanted to share a dream I had last night. I really didn't think I got enough sleep to qualify for an R.E.M. cycle, but I guess the four hours did the trick. My dream started out with me bringing my dog (a dog of the future obviously because I don't have a toy poodle, nor do I really want one so that's a little strange...) to the vet. But not just any vet, Satan's husband, the really hot and wealthy vet. The vet whom my doctor husband and I and Satan go on annual vacations with. Yes. Satan was married to a vet and they owned their own clinic, and I was married to an orthopedic surgeon. I'm sensing you realizing why I enjoyed this dream immensely. Anyway, after he checked the dog out we all went to lunch where Satan told us that she was going back to school to be a vet too. We decided to celebrate that night when my husband was off duty. That night we went to a bar in Minneapolis and smoked cigars and drank martinis, it was very posh. I don't really remember very much after that but my dream was pretty. Sigh, if only. Well, maybe she will marry a vet. I'll probably get a male nurse though... Ha ha.

It's almost time for me to go up front. Meaning I only have another hour of this godforsaken day before I can go get my books from the library and possibly take a nap, ah bed. I can hear you calling me from fifteen miles away. We'll be together soon Mon Cherie...

smithereens and twats

A conversation through text Satan and I shared... I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

Me: The fucking blue line came back!

Satan: What blue line?

Me: On my phones screen. I want to smash this piece of shit to smithereens!

Satan: You have insurance don’t you? New phone time.

Me: I think I’m going to the store after school tomorrow. Fucking bastard! Maybe I’ll turn it off.

Satan: Deep breathing. Call it a cunt. It’s pink after all.

Me: It’s red – Bloody Bastard!

Satan: Ha ha ha ha! That conversation may need to be captured forever.

Me: Ha. Ok, I just reread that we are witty SOB’s.

Satan: This is true. And so humble about that fact too.

Me: It’s our goodness and purity of heart that makes us saints.

Satan: Sigh, truer words have never been spoken.

Me: Someday soon monuments will be erected in our honor.

Satan: We really are gifts sent from above.

Me: Cherubs and such.

Satan: People will rue the day they ever crossed us once they realize who we are. Insignificant twats!

Me: LMAO you busted out twats. Oh snap.

Satan: He he he! Yes I did. It made me giggle. God damn it we are funny!

Me: Put that shit in the book.

Satan: LMAO! I JUST SNORTED!

Me: Smithereens and twats will do that to you. Oof.

toxins

Yes, EL Diablo is a sucker.

I love infomercials and all of that shit you can buy on t.v.

Lately I’ve been wanting those detox foot pads. This horrified Satan more than anything I’ve ever told her (which I find hilarious, because I’ve told her some messed up shit about myself!) and she instantly didn’t want to know anything about them or see pictures of the process.

Being the scientific person I am I wanted to capture the moments and document them, so far I haven’t sent her any pictures. (Yet…) Anyway I got them in the mail about a couple of days ago and started them immediately. The first night is says to only put it on one of your feet and then every other night switch. For the sake of the experiment I followed the directions. The next day the leg I didn’t put the patch on hurt really bad, it felt like I pulled a muscle or something. It didn’t feel bad the night before, I text her this the that morning:

Ok, I didn’t send you the pic. But what’s weird is the foot that I didn’t put the patch on hurts. Like I’m limping a bit. WTF? It fucking hurts to drive! The leg I didn’t put it on feels fine. Traffic makes me want to stab a pencil in someones eye. I’m bitter, angry and crippled today. And if I have to slam my foot down on the brakes one more time I’m going to lose it. Don’t fuck with me today grandma in the green minivan. I will fuck you up! Gimme a pencil! Ps your rage in the am makes me feel complete. Boop!

Later that day I text her : I’m rolling everywhere in my office chair. Ouch. Fucking foot! This is bullshit.

She then asked me: Are you sure you didn’t invent this illness?

I replied : No! I can’t walk on the damn thing. I’m not making this up in my head or otherwise. Rude.

She pretty much confirmed she was fucking with me at this point.

I then replied: You knew I’d get indignant? Rude. Sniff.

So the mystery still exists. The next night I did both feet and nothing. My foot and leg still sort of hurt but I’m trying to ignore this fact. I will not look it up on WebMD.