ambushed and suffocated

I know most people talk about their dysfunctional families and really they don't have them. The worst they have is family members who say things like 'fudge' or 'fiddle sticks'. Or maybe wear strange clothes or who are really into ice skating. While abnormal as those qualities are they are not deemed dysfunctional in my eyes.. Nope, alas my family is actually barely functioning. Everyone hates each other. Or everyone hates certain members of our family.

Lets take some time to talk about my Uncle Carlos*. He recently received his wife. When I say received I mean he bought her. Can we say mail order bride? Yeah. Gag. She's 25. That's a whole two years older than me. Me her reluctant niece.

She doesn't speak English. She's all alone. With him! I actually feel for her.

Now lets describe my Uncle. 46 Years old. Disgusting. I could go on but I'll play nice and say that he's on the heavier side and not at all attractive. Oh an he has the personality of a sea urchin. And he likes to cheat family members out of money and is just waiting for my Grandparents to kick the bucket so he can collect his inheritance. Real classy guy.

So on NYE without prior notice he invites all of the family out to meet her. At a Chinese food restaurant. She's Cambodian. Dick. The food isn't the same. Anyway. I didn't go. (Hello, its NYE, people have plans. Ass!) My Dad didn't go either because rockstar quotes he was sick. I thought I would meet her in good time. I didn't have to go out of my way to see the poor choices that they were making. After all he just wanted presents and money.

So I thought that was it. I was wrong!

Last night around 9pm we were ambushed. There was a loud pounding at the door. The dog started barking. I thought it was a home invasion. I wish it was a home invasion. No, rather it was my uncle and his blushing bride. I was in my room laying down, because I had a rough night the day before. When I heard his booming voice my butthole went into panic mode. I hate him. I try to avoid contact at all costs. Now he's in my home. What is a girl to do?

Thus I snuck up and closed my door, only to be opened two seconds later with my mom shoving the dog in my room. Yes, I admit that I was hiding behind the door so she didn't see me. Then as quietly as possible I tiptoed to my light and turned it off. Then stealthily I climbed into bed and hid under the covers.

That's right, I would rather almost suffocated under my blanket for a half hour than have to see that trainwreck.

In a panic I called all of my closest and dearest friends. And when they didn't answer I got desperate. I just started going through my phonebook and calling random people. Did I mention when I get nervous I breath hard. Well, I do. Anyways, while breathing really hard I left about 6 voicemails for people. Not my finest hour.

Apparently she's not very attractive. Poor thing. She's probably adorable compared to him though.

This whole situation is very traumatic. I don't want to meet her. Gag. Retch. Vomit. Hack.

Why can't I have a semi normal family?

*Names changed to protect the innocent. Well, not so much innocent. Rather creepy.