Tour of Love 07'

Well, I’m stuck up in the reception area all day today. Awesome! I can barely contain my excitement. This is like a dream come true. Hopefully you’re not mentally challenged and can here the sarcasm just dripping from this. If you are then hopefully that just cleared things up for you. I’m in a shittacular mood today. I feel like the wrong end of a dog and I really don’t think that I can ever call myself a drinker again. I’m not hungover thank god, but my body is rejecting alcohol. I think my days of fun are over. I’m getting too old for this shit. Ugh! Oh well, I’ll still do it anyway.

So for a while now I’ve wanted to do a little tribute to San Francisco and our Tour of Love. It really was everything I expected and more. Satan and I really did it up right. We did everything we wanted to do and pretty much everything you can do there. Except Coight Tower and the Golden Gate Bridge… We saw the bridge twice from the bay on our way to Saulsilito and Alcatraz, and took a picture of Coight Tower from a far.

So essentially we did the Castro District, the Fisherman's Wharf, Chinatown, Alcatraz, a Giants game, Union Square, Cable Cars, Street Cars, Haight/Ashbury Street, Stardust, Saulsalito Island, The Sourdough Bread Comp, Ripley’s Wax Museum, Scoma’s, Ferry Rides, Harvey's, Club 6, Ruby Sky and tons of shopping!

We made a small book of memories and took tons of pictures. I’ve wanted to elaborate on the memories we wrote down so here they are:

My favorite color is purple. So is marijuana. – We were walking back from a long day of sightseeing and there was a street performer near our hotel. I was wearing a maroon, not purple, shirt and he had a microphone. Just those lines make me crack up. Yes, I was singled out by the man who was sitting on the ground with a sign saying will work for marijuana. Seriously funny!

I have a degree! – One night when we were trying to go out and have a good time we went to this bar that was suggested in a tour book (tour books are bullshit!) Anyway, while trying to make it past that place and back to the safety of our hotel we passed a man. Not sure if he was drunk or what but he said that said he was almost done with his degree and that he could take care of me. Um I think it was a marriage proposal. Sweet!

Matt and his burger, you know Matt! – On that very same night we were accosted by some very drunk boys. They thought they were suave and sexy. In reality they were both about 98 lbs. soaking wet. They also claimed to be firemen. Yeah, right. The one who would not shut up kept asking us where we were going etc. and singing his friend Matt’s praises. Matt had a huge burger and kept putting it near us. I wanted to kill both of them. But thankfully, we made it back to our hotel without me taking that burger and shoving it were the sun don’t shine!

Ferry bird boy – One of the all time most hilarious things I have ever seen in my life! I don’t even know how to describe it really. We took the ferry to Saulsilito for the day and on our way back home there was this kid on the top deck. He was fucking around and being annoying. Bird were everywhere. Oh god I’m cracking up even trying to relate this, OOF! So one sort of looked like it was going to land on him, he recoiled and made the most hilarious scared/disgusted look ever! You just had to be there. Thought I was going to die from laughing.

Harvey’s = Gay, Literally – We went to the Castro District to soak up the atmosphere. Harvey’s is a very famous gay bar there. Well they recently remodeled it. So it wasn’t like the book said at all. Oh and we drank Fat Tire Beer. Hands down the most disgusting beer ever, shit tastes of metallic and gag. Not awesome.

Pounding beers in the hotel room – After Harvey’s we caught the streetcars back to our hotel and went and got some bud lights, pounded them in our room and giggled a lot. Why was that so much fun?

Club 6 = Ghetto! – We could have died. That was scary. No thank you! We took one look at it and kept walking past it. It was in the shitty part of downtown, seedy as hell. Dark and the front of the building was filled with big black men. Yeah, two white girls from MN. Not going to happen.

Sean, adorable – Sean worked at the front desk. He was adorable. But I really don’t think there was much going on upstairs. He’s the one who sent us to Club 6 because of the good reviews. Yeah, he was nice but so dumb!

David – DICKHEAD! Ok, maybe Satan and I have a problem with anyone named that, but he really was an ass. Arrogant and rude. Hi! You work in a service industry, were you unaware for some reason?

Mr. Joe – Our concierge. He was awesome. Always said nice things, he was probably looking for a tip. But we loved him anyway!

Satan’s Theory – Laying down causes phleghm and that leads to snorting when laughing. Yeah, sure. Just admit I’m fucking hilarious and I make you snort. Or whatever helps you sleep at night.

Australian Rules – At the Giants baseball game we sat in front of an Australian man and a little boy. The rules he of baseball that he was trying to explain made no sense. But to each there own. And he took that awesome pic of us. So he’s forgiven.

No Brakes! – On our first cable car ride the Asian conductor was trying to be hilarious saying things like “Oh, big hill! Brakes no work, lets see how fast we go!” Funny, yet my butthole still puckered a little.

Pretty Toes – This homeless man commented on Satan’s pretty toes. He immediately followed that up with a request for a dollar. So was his remark genuine? Satan's toes are pretty. I don't have a foot fetish, I swear. Too funny.

On the other side of the law – On our way to the Fisherman’s Wharf we stopped at a no cross sign. There were three guys behind us, one got cocky and was like “Why are we waiting? This is bullshit! I live on the other side of the law!” and crossed. Satan got pissed and called him an ass. It was so funny. They all walked away from us kinda fast. Were they scared of us? I think so, Satan is kinda scary when provoked.

The Line – When we were waiting for the godforsaken cable car in this huge line there was this family standing off to the side. Not really in line but kept moving with it. We were there first, so me being the bitch that I am said “I don’t know where those people think the line is but it’s over here!” Of course they heard me, and they didn’t really speak English but they could understand me. They were really apologetic and I felt like the biggest asshole ever!

Fernando Dream – Don’t know if it was the air there but we dreamt a lot. One of Satan’s dreams was that she was swept off her feet by a man named Fernando who made her a scrapbook of love!

Old Man Dream – I dreamt that I was forced to marry this old man and the younger one that I really loved saved me but we had to live in secret in these little cottages. Satan and McBastard were in it too.

Zach Effron – Oh my god. He is so yummy! We obsessed over him the whole time. Drooled and lusted more like.

Drag Queens – The one we actually saw was fierce. So were all the gay men now that I think about it.

Jesus Christ Loves You – This man was standing at a protest near our cable car stop. With a bright neon yellow sign that said that, not talking to people. He also appeared at our Giants game. So apparently he loves us and will travel. Weirdo.

The Orange Protesters – There was an anti George W. Bush protest at our cable car stop and they were all dressed in orange. They even had George in a mini cell, it was weird. The people working it were very intense. At one point they asked us if we were citizens and cared about what was happening to our country. Being the snarky bitches that we are we replied “Were from Canada.” I think we even through in an eh! Too funny!

Street People – One was singing “Great big woman and an itty bitty bottle of wine…You can have my woman but keep your hands off my wine!” Hilarious!

Boils – I had blisters like you would not believe. It was awful, I also couldn’t shut up about them. But, fucking eh! They hurt!

Gaping Wounds – No explanation, but oof the indignance and rage over a pimple was funny! But, I wouldn't have laughed at her when she almost cried. I had to excuse myself to laugh. She had some rage going. Blackout almost!

Children and Planes – Fucking toddlers kicking airplane chairs! Bastards deserve to be taken out. We even said something loud enough to be heard and nothing. Rude!

Mole Man – On the ride over there was a man in the 3rd seat of our row. He had a huge mole on his cheek, complete with a curly hair growing out of it. GAG!

Ride of Death – The Blue Shuttle airport service was a thing of terror! I got to ride in the front of that thing on the way to our hotel. I closed my eyes 90 percent of the time and text Satan. I was getting car sick! He scared the shit out of me!!! Bobbing and weaving. Almost hitting a whole bunch of people, playing crazy African music, talking on his cell phone! Never fucking again, when I see those things out on the road I panic!

Fuzzy socks and Crocs – I don’t care if your 10, they look like shit.

Jewish People/The ones who sat/3rd Tit Lady - On the ride back from our Giants game we were on the train and there were no seats left, so some guy fucking popped a squat on the floor. That shit was disturbing. Why would you get on a train that was full with no seating if you knew you had to sit? Did you think I was going to give up my seat, hello I had boils on my feet! We sat next to some very annoying Jewish people. Do I really care how much money you have or what kind of car you drive? No, so shut the fuck up! The third tit lady I did not personally see but I was told it was a thing of shittacular beauty. I don't have any words!

Fuck Cable Cars - Seriously! Slow, antiquated, tourist traps, over crowded, outdated, uncomfortable. I could go on an on. Let's just say we're over them!

Stardust - On our last night we were so tired and sick of tired of eating out that we decided to go to a movie instead. It was awesome. I now own it. Robert De Niro as a gay pirate? Classic!

Pish - Our word. We overused it there I think.

Homeless people - They were everywhere. Like all over the place. Don't fuck with them. I did and it was awful. We were at the Jack-in-the-Box and this homeless lady walked in. She was staring at me so I stared right back. I think she actually had a lot of mental issues because soon after her pants fell off. When we got up to leave she asked for our fries because she was starving. Glad I don't have to deal with that on a daily basis. I have rage, what if I killed a bum? To reiterate Satan - I'm to pretty for jail!

John Mayer - That ad campaign for The Gap was everywhere. It felt like he was stalking us through the city!

Fug Kid - On the ferry back from Alcatraz (Which was fucking awesome by the way, if you have the chance I would suggest going!) there was this family. They had the ugliest duckling kid ever. Curly haired, cross eyed. Now I know I am no one to judge but got that kid was fug. And annoying. Sit down and mind your parents hooker!

Pop Lock & Drop It - Probably the most annoying song ever. Especially if you get it stuck in your head and don't know the words. I remember many occasion laying in bed and saying "Toot that thang up Mami!" "Pop lock and drop it, pop lock and drop it, pop lock and drop it!" and that's all I knew. Satan wanted to kill me, hee.

I do remember vividly waiting for Satan's dad to come and get us from the airport and me swaying/dancing and singing that. I'm pretty sure her reaction was I can't believe we didn't kill each other and still like each other. So true.

But were just made for each other. Like pancakes and syrup. Like red bull and vodka. Like drunk girls and cigarettes. We just mix well with each other!

Thus concludes all of our awesome Tour of Love 2007. It's a trip I'll never forget, but if I do here is a record or events.