blast from the past

I really have been slacking off lately with the blogging thing… I’m sorry Satan. I’ve been busy. Well, not so much busy as I’ve been lazy as shit. But, either one you want to pick is fine by me.

Lately, it’s been a whirlwind of talking on the phone or hanging out with people. Spring has sprung, shit is crazy. Josh has been progressively getting better a.k.a. becoming surly as shit because he is stuck at home alone. Doing nothing, I wish I got into a motorcycle accident. I love sitting on my ass. Ask anyone! Just kidding, I’m glad he’s ok. I miss having him as a friend and if this is the glue that puts us back together, so be it.

So far we’ve spent about eleven hours on the phone; it’s really strange to catch up with someone when you thought you knew them so well. I’m learning things about him that I never knew; we’re more alike than I thought. Which is a scary thought in itself, ugh! The only bad thing about the whole situation is the Ian thing.

That fucker loved being the loop, now that I don’t need him he’s acting out. Typical for him, sad to say I don’t think he will ever change. I talked to him a few times since he left California and he’s not that interesting, I don’t want to open that wound again. Thus I’ve been keeping it light. He did act like a toddler when Josh told him that we’ve been talking. Josh thinks he’ll always be that way about me. But, Josh did congratulate me on not running to him when I was old enough. He thinks I’ve matured. Umm, hi. I’m way mature for my age.

Josh said that he really likes the girl I’ve turned into. Ok, maybe I have a small crush on him. SO SUE ME! I always have, he’s always been like this fantasy of mine. I know I’m sick, just let me be. I don’t harm anyone. I like my fantasy world. Sigh.

John finally called me back, what a dick. Out of the three I’m most surprised about him. I honestly thought he was a better guy than that, hmm. Well, I’m glad I know. He has his own issues though right now, mainly being sober. I’m giving him slack on this one, at least he checked on Josh even though it happened two weeks ago and he only called on Monday. Ok, scratch that he’s a dick.

Seattle is fast approaching, something like twenty-one days stand between me and Satan being on a small vacation. I don’t care if it’s only four days, I’m pumped. I can’t wait to be ridiculous about taking pictures and sightseeing. We do it up right.

The creepy thing about Seattle is SF#1. Why she always has to say some creepy shit about us I have no idea. She is an emotional terrorist. Nasty ass! The other night we all went to Don Pablo’s and after we we’re done after I even had gone to bed I get this text from her saying “I’m bummed that you and Satan are going to Seattle.” Umm, why perchance? “Because I want to go on a trip just me and you.” So I can be raped in my sleep, umm no thanks. Jesus!

Another thing about her I find funny is the whole moving out thing. She has suddenly got it into her mind that she wants to move out with a group of girls that go to her school. I personally would never move in with girls named Kaylee, Ashlee, Katie and such. They sound like bitches. How she would even afford this feat I have no clue, besides not being able to eat out any more her disposable income would be nothing. No coloring your hair every two weeks, no going shopping every weekend, no going out for high calorie alcoholic beverages, no getting designer coffee every morning and McDonalds to boot. Yeah that would go over real well. She wouldn’t last a week. No sadly I bet that these girls take pity on her and let her hang out with them, they we’re probably bs-ing one day about how cool it would be to get an apartment or something in the cities. Never thinking that the one creepy fat one would take it too far and actually go looking for a place and call about the lease options. God! She is so pathetic. I have no words.

Bryan’s mom called me this week. She and I have met a few times and she likes me. I like her too actually, but her invite this week seemed a little forced. She called and left me a drunken voicemail saying that I should come up and see their new deck and loft. I have never been invited up there for the night; she wants me to go out to the bars with her. Yeah, alcoholic. Apparently I remind her a lot of herself when she was younger. What are you trying to say, rude! Alas, I passed up that chance saying I was really busy this week. I think that excuse will fly, but who knows for how long.

Mimi came up from Virginia two weeks ago; I only got to see her twice. But the time we did spend was nice to catch up. I miss her. Of course as soon as she goes back about 5 miles away from her was hit with 4 tornados, and when I called her to see if she is ok I had no response. I was freaking out a bit; until I got a sorry I was sleeping text. Bitch, I was concerned.

I purchased a new car a few weeks ago; see I told you I’ve been busy. I just wrote busty instead of busy and giggled for like ten minutes, I’m deranged. I got a 2004 Saturn Ion Level 4. I love this fucking car, it’s adorable. I can’t wait for a road trip, or some random excuse to spend lots of time in it. I’m detailing it this weekend, and I’m seeing about getting the windows tinted. It’s so nice to have something you actually enjoy; I really hated my old one. Bastard.

I had my review at work yesterday, as usual they love me. The only bad thing is the whole being caught doing naughty things like being online and texting. Eh, that I can deal with. But when I was covering the front desk I overheard SFC mention my name in her review more than once. Obviously bitch has a problem with me. Well, came to find out she hates me. And only me. OH, REALLY BITCH? RIGHT BACK AT YA, OH AND HOPE YOUR SHINY RIMS STAY NICE AND NEAT. FUCKING MOO COW MOTHER FUCKING HEFFIER CUNT BITCH FROM HELL. YOU WILL RUE THE DAY. HOOKER ASS.

Rage issues, obviously. I do love that Satan has a text I sent her about SFC saved to her phone I think I said that she is a vapid narcissistic piece of shit or something like that. I love that one too. Thank god we have a new book to keep track of these. My rage amuses her, likewise my friend.

I’m excited for all of the things coming up I have to look forward too, movies, books, trips and such. It keeps me focused off of the bad things, like how I haven’t had a date in ages and my ass is getting bigger. Ugh, I hate being a girl.

I want to get my hair highlighted again, except that SF#2 is a hair terrorist! I’ve asked her multiple times on when or where such an event could happen and I’ve gotten nothing. Hi, I have about an inch of regrowth, hooker roots don’t look cute on anyone. Bitch.

Thing that have enraged me lately:

SFC – I want to see her eyes die for realz.

Cable Dude – Drilling holes in concrete does not make for a happy slumber environment.

Bryan – Would you get over yourself please, you’re good in bed, I don’t want to date you. Ugh.

Things that have made me happy lately:

Black eyes – Dad fell and got one, it is the funniest shit ever, if I can figure out how to post it I will.

SFB – Her review was terrible, bitch cried. He he he.

Well, that’s all for now. I felt like I had to get those things down so Satan had something to read.

Ta ta for now.

punch toddlers!

In the soft spot, with brass knuckles.

I don’t think I can even get the words out today. It’s been that bad.

I am ANGRY.

I am CRABBY.

I am FUCKING ENRAGED.

The last couple of days have been horrible. I wrote how I found out about my friend Josh being in an accident yesterday. I even blogged to get my mind off of it, that didn’t work so well. I didn’t have any of the information and no one was answering me.

I finally talked to Ian last night. Apparently he was on a motorcycle with a girl (I didn’t think he even rode motorcycles, he doesn’t do it well in any case!) and a car cut them off. They went into a ditch off of the highway. She wasn’t hurt, only abrasions and some bruising. He took the brunt of the force, she flew into him too. That probably didn’t help matters much.

DUMB FUCKING RETARD WASN’T WEARING A HELMET. SHE WAS! IT’S NICE TO BE GENTLEMANLY AND WHAT NOT, BUT WHEN YOUR LIFE IS AT STAKE? WHY NOT JUST RIDE IN A CAR. RETARD! HOW DARE HE MAKE ME WORRY!

Sorry, sudden outburst as Satan would say.

Anyway, he had a punctured lung and had some minimal internal bleeding. From hitting the handlebars and then going over them when they fell over in the dirt, he has a concussion and can’t remember the accident or what happened. Luckily she can and she got the drivers plates too. He ran from the scene. Quality human being, I want to castrate him. Ugh.

He is still in the hospital; they moved him from the ICU to the recovery floor. He was awake a little bit yesterday, but today he’s been up all day. Apparently he looks like hell. Luckily Ian was in California on business so he just flew down there when he got the news. John on the other hand is a dickhead and doesn’t care enough to visit him.

I am too. I looked up flights and they’re running about a grand. Hmm… nope. I can’t afford that. Ian offered to pay my way and I was considering it but I actually talked to Josh for a few minutes today and he said not to worry. He’d be out by the middle of next week and it’s not worth it to fly down. This made me feel worse, now I want to go down there! I just don’t want to be in someone’s debt, especially Ian’s. No thanks asshole.

Anyway it was a relief to find out what happened, side note; the girl he was with wants to get plastic surgery done on her leg for the scrapes. Ian said they weren’t even that bad. I was like ‘where does he find them?’ he said ‘under rocks and in gullies.’ Which is an inside joke we have and it bothers me that I’m slipping back into that pattern with him. But for now I can’t really help it, I want to be in the loop with Josh. And fucking Ian is the loop. Oh what twisted webs we do weave.

So I went to bed exhausted last night, I literally felt like crying all day. I locked my keys in my car, I find out about him, the weather. It all hit me, depression sunk in. I forced it away and went to sleep. That didn’t last long.

FUCKING BRYAN CALLED ME AT 1:30AM! Asshole. I don’t know if I could ever talk to him or fuck with him again. I don’t want to see, hear, touch, smell or taste (ick did I say taste, VBP!) him for a very long time. He had the nerve to wake me up on a week night and call to say that he found a cool dive bar where the bartender is awesome, and to ask me “what does it mean when you go down on a girl and it tastes like a warm ham sandwich?”

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

I freaked out on him, he apologized and I hung up on him. He then proceeded to call me back about ten times. I left my ringer on so I could hear Ian called in case anything happened with Josh. So I had to lay there and check every time someone called. I was up until 3AM. I can’t even believe a 28 year old would act like that. Jesus Christ!

I woke up thirty minutes before I had to go, I look like ass today. I forgot my iPod. I didn’t brush my teeth. I drank a Rockstar and now I have heartburn. I am upset. People keep giving me bullshit projects to do and SFB left early today. Why? Because she wanted to go to a movie with her nephew, you couldn’t go to one at 3:30. You get off earlier than everyone. BITCH! UGH!

The last couple of days have been crap. I would like a redo. I am excited to meet Angel tonight though, I love that Satan is getting a dog named Angel. It’s like the world works in mysterious ways. Hee. That has been my beacon of hope today, that and planning our Seattle trip which fyi is now only 40 days.

Eye twitching, arm muscle jumping, signing off before I have a rage stroke.

Kisses!

*Muah*

therapy

I am a funny SOB. I was going through my phone today, because I’m at work. And what do you think happens when I’m at work? I have the tendency to become bored. Here are the texts that I sent Satan. I for some reason find them HILARIOUS!

Sick in the face, I know, I know.

First Middle Last (Satan*)! This just wont do! You can’t lose your phone every time you get hammed! It really cramps my style. I can’t call or text you. We’re fighting. – I was upset, thus I give myself needy exemption.

LMAO I just called some lady and before she said hello she yelled ‘only animals lick their privates in public Jamie!’ Now what I want to know is if her kid was licking his privates? Gag. – I almost lost it on that call. Tears rolling.

Deep breathing. Meditation. Oh who am I kidding? Throttle the bitch! Go for the eyes! They’re the groin of the face! – I’m a special kid.

Someone turned off the light in the bathroom, and when I yelled they shut the door. I’m peeing in the dark. Sweet. – Sarcasm. I still don’t know who did it.

I really hate everyone here! I have glitter all over me. Fucking conniption is what I’m going to have. Stupid SFB* I hate her and her glittery shirt. I am going to shit! – My eye was twitching. I have issues, clearly.

Tell her that her ass is particularly fat today. – I’m mean, and I’ll never change.

I forgot to save the one about bat wings vs. chicken wings that Satan sent. It made me giggle. She is a riot. We’re fucking hilarious. I need constant reaffirmation.

Ian called me and I guess Josh got into a really bad car accident. I’m not freaking out until I know more. I am kind of freaking out though because no one is answering my calls. I left him and John a voicemail. Hopefully, I’ll get a call back soon. It worries me that he called my house to get my new cell phone number. That makes me think it’s bad.

If you couldn’t tell by now this post is to keep my mind off of it. There is nothing I can do from here, I will fly down there if they need me. I don’t care what’s happened in the past I would never turn my back on a friend. Even if we haven’t talked in a while and I’ve found some things out that I don’t like. This blog is so therapy. It’s money.

Ok, I’m signing off now. I have to work. That’ll keep me occupied.

sf#1's demise dream

I don’t know what it is lately, but I have been having the most vivid and strange dreams. Maybe it’s the transition into spring from winter, or maybe it’s my sleeping pattern. Whatever it is, it’s almost disturbing.

Last night I dreamt that I went to California with SF#1. We went as part of a tour group and we were staying in LA. On our first day there they let us go shopping, basically gave us a map and said have fun. We set out stopping at all of the most colorful stores, buying nothing. When we were trying to find a store on the map we ended up in San Francisco. It was like at the end of a street just turned into a completely different place. We were on the corner looking at the hotel Satan and I stayed at when we went in real life.

I was transfixed with the sign, and when I turned around SF#1 was being pulled in a shabby looking store front by a homeless person. I turned to look at the sign one last time and then went after her.

When I walked up to the door I noticed that it was an old clothing shop, and there was no one in it. Even the door was locked. I asked a man standing close if he had seen anyone going in there. He laughed and shook his head, I thought for sure it was the right store, but convinced myself that it had to have been a different one. I checked the ones next to it on each side. Nothing, they were closed up, boarded up in fact. On each of the boarded windows there we’re posters advertising Seattle tourism.

I walked back to the one in the middle, worried. I wondered if something bad had happened. This time I was determined to get into the store, I yanked on the door handle and it opened like it had never been locked. I walked in and when I said “Hello?” A creepy looking man stood up from behind the cashier’s area. He asked if there was anything I needed, I asked if my SF#1 had come in here, he said no. No one had been in all day, I was his first customer.

He then tried to talk me into buying the most hideous clothing, and that’s when I heard a scream. I noticed SF#1’s purse on display for sale. She had a very distinct purse; it was gold and had silver tassels. I asked where she was again; he said I must be mistaken because no one had come into the store today. Then he tried to get me to leave. I wouldn’t go, then for some reason the fire alarms started going off and he cursed and went to check on them. That’s when I noticed a small door behind a display.

I wrenched it open and it lead to a dark second level. I was terrified to go down there, it was cold and dark. So I yelled from the top “SF#1 are you down there?” Nothing. But I had a strange feeling that she was down there, so I yelled a little louder. That’s when I heard a faint crying. Sobbing in fact.

I was convinced she was down there and I decided I needed to get some help. But when I turned around the creepy store clerk was there. He demanded to know what I was doing. I said that I think he has my friend down there. He said that there was no one down there and if I wanted to go look I could. He would even turn the lights on, but he couldn’t go with me because he had to wait for the fire department to arrive to tell them it was a false alarm.

I decided I had to be safe because the fire department was on there way, there was no way he would try anything when they we’re there. I walked down one step and turned around to see him trying to close the door fast, but I stuck my foot in it. I pushed my way out and then he tried to grab me but I was too fast for him. I ran out the front door and started yelling for help. I looked and saw the man I asked originally if he had seen anything. He was walking towards me but he was no longer smiling. That’s when I looked at his face and it was and ex-boyfriend of mine. He was in cahoots with this store owner!

I started to run in the opposite direction and ran right into a cop, but when I looked up into his face he was the psycho cop I used to date. I was cornered. I looked across the street and stared at the hotel sign again, this time instead of saying ‘Mosser’ it said ‘Mosey’. I ran across the street and almost got hit by 2 cars but made it. When I went into the hotel it had a western theme, I went to the front desk and said they needed to call the police, something bad happened.

When the police arrived they arrested the ex-boyfriend and cop. When they asked me what happened I told them the story and they asked me to show them, we walked back to the store. The clerk was gone but the door was wide open. When we finally got the door open to the second level there was this awful stink coming from it. We climbed in and went down to the bottom. SF#1 was tied to a table, she was obviously dead.

They opened the two freezers and found multiple heads but no bodies. Then we figured out were the stink was coming from, because I tripped on something in the dirt floor. It was a hand coming up from the dirt.

I started sobbing and the police took me upstairs. They needed to question me some more and asked me to wait there. I looked behind the counter and saw all of the contents of her purse thrown on a shelf and a Polaroid picture of her tied to the table crying.

I woke up after that, but for some strange reason I woke up in a good mood.

VBP.

P.S. I’m super excited about Satan’s new puppy!

strange dreams of regency times

I had a weird dream last night, no more eating right before bed. I have the weirdest dreams when digesting. I've been trying to get this down all day, but alas they're making me work at work. Rude sons-a-bitches!

It all started with me waking up (in my dream, weird right?) and I knew instantly that I was in the wrong place. For starters I was in a four poster bed in a huge room, it was cold and I had a fireplace! I had really long hair and it was in this huge old fashioned braid, I was wearing a long white night gown, it was strange!

I think in my mind I knew I was dreaming, and went with it. I got dressed in a corset and a floor length dress and a maid came in and put my hair into a bun and got me ready for the day. I then went downstairs where Satan was sitting at the palatial breakfast table. She looked wide eyed also, which made me think she felt like she didn't belong either. We ate and then proceeded to take a 'turn in the shrubbery' I remember that phrase.

When we we're outside I told her this was the weirdest dream I have ever had, she said something to the effect that she knew it was a dream. We decided to have fun with it, and mess with people. Then we went back inside (I'm guessing) because we we're in a large sitting room. With two handsome men that we're 'calling on us'. I started drinking a whiskey or brandy, I'm not entirely sure, but they were shocked that a woman would enjoy such a beverage. Satan then proceeded to pour herself a double. They said that they enjoyed women who behaved badly.

After they had left we decided that we we're going to commission a portrait of ourselves. One of our neighbors was calling on us for tea and she said that it would 'incite gossip' because proper ladies didn't have portraits commissioned, the men in their lives did. Or their parents. So we talked the guys that we're visiting us into getting our portrait painted.

While we we're sitting for our portrait the painter invited us to a ball, which we gladly accepted. We we're getting all dressed up for the night when I woke up.

It was the most random but yet vivid dream I ever had. I even remember the pattern on the wallpaper and the way we had our hair done. Even the little flowers that were worked into the braids. It was really strange waking up and seeing my room, a definite downgrade.

Sigh, I wish I lived in those times, even with no plumbing or electricity I would have rocked it. Corsets are a bitch though...

wooooossa & comma rage

I hate having goals. Especially when I accomplish one, because that means I have to come up with another one. Yes, you're reading right... I made Amanda cry. He he he. I'm just so proud of myself, totally patting myself on the back for that one.

Emotional Terrorist 1 vs. SFC -1

So I haven't posted in a while... It's hard to be indignant about things when your sick. Totally agree with Satans last post about having a hard time getting enraged about things. It's true! When your sick you just want to lay in bed and sleep that eternal sleep. Sigh, I'm pining for my bed as I type this. Alas, I'm starting to feel better. So angry posts to come.

I have to post this text that I was forwarded, just for the sake of having a record of it. I don't think I've laughed that hard in a long time, and it goes a little like this:

"And then that fat, weight watcher needin, slut ******* thinks she has the right to text me some bull shit? She's lucky I'm tryin to wooooossa somethin. Because I'm about to give her almost two hundred pound ass a piece of my mind!"

Where will we start? How bout the commas? Those are fucking classic! And the fact that he has to wooooossa in it! Oh god, my sides hurt from laughing. I CAN'T BREATHE!

Ok, I'm done. Had to get that out. Hee.

Well, that's about it for now. Baby steps...