Wilderness Vacation, Hilarity Ensues

I took a little vacation last week. Instead of telling you how it went I'll let you read the texts I sent Satan while I was there... And I'll explain them for you also, because I don't want to give off the wrong impression. i.e. Me being a bitch/psychotic. (Shit, I'm both. Nevermind. Just read on)

I don’t even care I wish I could boop you right now! - Satan and I AND SF#2 went out on Friday and had a few too many. I was going to miss her, thus I wanted to boop her.

You’re my best friend too. Hi, I get stuck with retard in the wilderness. I’m emotional for some reason right now. I want to cry. Ok, I’m fine nevermind. I’m calling you like all the time. It’ll be you and me next Friday at our spot. Then we’re going to perkins. Hooker stench ruined it for us. - Upon exiting our spot Perkins sounded like a fantastic idea but hooker stench SF#2 was tired. Bitch. PS drinking and then talking about our feelings is a bad idea, just don't do it.

Ok now you made me cry. In the dark in my room with SF#2 snoring next to me. OMG so I’ll miss you. Maybe this time apart will be good for us. Fuck that no it wont. Ok, I’ll stop. - I literally had tears in my eyes. I was depressed. How dare my parents invite SF#2!

If anyone told me I put on twenty I’d fucking kill them. - SF#2's boyfriend told her she put on weight, and that it was noticeable. She confessed this after a few. Castrate him is more like it.

Ok, fatty is taking up like all of the bed. I’m pissed. You never take up that much room. Maybe he’s onto something. - Obviously the camaraderie of the weight thing didn't last long. Bitch hogged the whole bed and blankets. Hi! I don't like rubbing up against you all night, you're not my boyfriend and you're nasty.

If she doesn’t turn off that fucking message or turn it down at least I’m going to fucking sodomize her with that phone. - I have the same text notification but hers is like ten times louder. Shit went off 4 times in the dark, I was texting Satan so I couldn't talk but fuck! At least mine was on silent. Sodomize? I'm horrible, you don't even have to say it. I can see that your thinking it.

We’re listening to “real music”, sweet god. I’m going to take this bitch off the road. - Fucking rap crap, I like a few songs here and there. Mostly ones you can dance to drunk but she loves that shit. It got real old real fast.

Listening to Mariah makes me want to snatch this bitch bald. Tone deaf cow. - She really must not be able to hear herself because it is terrible. I know I'm not the best but at least Satan and I harmonize. This bitch would be on the funny episode of Idol with all of the horrible and delusional singers.

I’m literally in Timbucktu. I shit you not. - I'm not sure if it was an actual town but there was a harbor and marina called Timbucktu. I wanted to stop and take a picture but I was following my Dad. And he drives like a maniac.

I just practically made out with my pillow because I spilt beer on it. Classy bitch is what I am. - While reading Twilight. I literally caught myself licking the pillow for more than the necessary amount of time. It was an odd moment. Hilarious actually.

Listening to SF#2 talk to her boyfriend and her dog on speaker phone makes me want to murder her in her sleep. I want to put a pillow on her face. Watch her eyes die! - This I'm pretty sure was day two of six. I already had enough hate in my heart to murder her.

Ok, I just reread that and it was purely evil. This place makes me a bit crazy. Like if I did kill her I could dispose of the body pretty easily. This should be written down for future reference, when we need to get rid of a body or whatnot. - Probably not a good idea to write this one down, but it really was secluded up there. No one would have missed her. He he he. JK.

If one more fucking mosquito bites me on the ass I’m going home. I’m sun burnt in splotches and now I’m constantly itching my ass. I’m a real catch. - We made a bonfire and sat out with the bugs out in full force. I got bites everywhere. Some of them still itch. Look at me try to justify going home on our third day. I just wanted to booze with Satan.

I’m not a bear, I don’t shit in the woods but so help me if my dad doesn’t get out of the bathroom in the next two I will. As god is my witness. - It was horrible, thank god we had indoor plumbing but good god he took forever. I just made it as you'll read next.

I desecrated that bathroom. Small republic in China? More like European nation. And we have no spray. And there was a spider on the sink. I was terrified so I put my legs in the air in case he decided to make a break for it. But didn’t stop, I’m a trooper. - Yes I have no shame. I was terrified of the spider though, made my mom kill it. (See previous posts about the China poop)

I’m a depressed sun burnt Dalmatian. I’m in pain and I’m pissed. I feel the heat radiating off of my splotches. Motherfucker! I need to drink more. - The tops of my feet, the tops of my thighs and splotches on my legs we're burnt. They hurt so bad. It was terrible. I did drink more FYI. It always seems to make things better. It also helped my yahtzee game. I'm the champ PS.

The loons are making me loony. Bullshit birds. Overrated and over glorified pigeons is what they are. And what are pigeons you may ask? Rats with wings. - Those fucking things would not shut up. I even started throwing rocks at them. Our neighbor looked at me funny though and I had to stop. Fucking birds.

Sorry, that was a collection of my rage. SF#2 is stupid. I actually want to kill her right now. Stop following me around! I had to sneak out to text for christ! I’m sitting here alone for the first time in three days. - I had to let Satan know how pissed I was. I had to sneak out for christs sake just for her not to follow me. You're not a dog sunshine, stop acting like one. (Even though you look like one. The bitter never goes away)

I hate it here. I hate SF#2. I hate her loud voice. She and Josh are fighting because she used my parents cell to call him. He thinks she’s cheating. Dude get the fuck over it. PS Breaking Dawn is fucking traumatic. Hi Jacob’s chapters? Too much information alert? Really now? This is stupid and I’m getting indignant. And if SF#2 doesn’t pipe down I’m going to kill her. She is getting on my last exposed nerve. People can hear you for like ten miles. And now she’s asking what I’m typing. MYOB BITCH! I’m going back to the cabin. Hope we survive the storm. Love and miss you homeslice. - That was a mini novel I know. First off, she got into a fight in front of the main lodge where everyone for a four mile radius could hear her. He is insecure as fuck and is constantly questioning her whereabouts. I was upset about Breaking Dawn and I had to get that out. SF#2 talks so loud it was getting to me, eye spasm. The storm was rolling in and I just had to get it all out. Clearly I have issues.

That was bullshit. I paid my money I want my sex scene. UGH. - I'm a consenting adult, I wanted a sex scene in Breaking Dawn. I would have paid extra.

We fit like corresponding pieces? Oh that’s sexy. That’s bullshit. - LMAO if someone ever said that about having sex with me I'd die. How unsexy could you get? I understand that it's a kids book but if you aren't going to describe it then why even mention this. It made me giggle though, in an embarrassed kind of way.

You’re such a patsy? That’s like an Irish thing to say, where would an Indian kid pick that up on a reservation? Dumb. - This was strictly for Satan, don't get her started about the BFF.

LMAO. I didn't want to imagine him inside of her. He he he. Bitter much? - I loved that she said Jacob thinks that. Team Edward bitches!

This is stupid. I don't want to read it! A Midsummer Nights Dream? I'm fucking livid. Get a better plot line! Beyond pissed. I can't stomach Jacob with her. What the hell is wrong with Rosalie? Jesus! - I know it's just a book, but there was nothing else to do so when the book started to take a turn for the ludicrous I was trapped and indignant. Stupid plot.

Ok, I'm sorry. But did Jacob really need to come back for the wedding? I mean come the fuck on. I only get two chapters of happy and then he's back to ruin it. Bitter. - We literally got like five chapters and then were thrust into the Jacob part.

BFF? WTF? - Satan's rage is what was flowing through me, he would not talk like that!

The errors are getting to me. "I'll spell you in a bit"? I'll TELL you in a bit perhaps? Did no one proof read this shit? Jesus! - There we're so many errors I don't even know where to start. It was annoying. I felt like I wanted to fix her mistakes.

Shut up! Oh god. He imprinted on her baby? Jesus. H. Christ. That is fucking ridiculous. I'm beyond bitter and livid. STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. - Obviously I'm a tad obsessed with this series. It'll pass eventually. When something else comes along.

Ok and the whole Jazz and Em thing? Bitch never used nicknames before and now it's all Jazz this and Jazz that. Call him Jasper! - This is another one of those things that if you didn't read the book and or even know who Stephenie Meyer is you'll just not get. Don't worry, read the books. You'll feel better, I promise.

You're right! Chagrin? Get a new word bitch! - I'm guessing that in the four books she wrote she used this word over 30 times. We get it, you like it. Get a fucking thesaurus!

Ok she reads Tennyson? And she's like a little human at three months old? That makes perfect sense. I hate this plot, it's beyond ridiculous. - Ridiculous plot lines... She could have done so much better. I would have waited longer for a better book.

OMFG. Dave? Jesus. H. Christ. I want to kill for you. Oh and if you want to murder someone I volunteer SF#2. That is all. Back to the cabin-o-hell. I can't wait for tomorrow. - Satan ran into her ex at work, not fun. I still volunteer SF#2 for that punishment!

I'm totally driving on those sound strips on the side of the road just to fuck with her nap. Oops sorry! - This marks the way back home, thank god. I was so ready to be rid of her.

That bitch just drank the one and only coke. - I FUCKING ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED A COKE FOR THE RIDE, NO IS THE REPLY I GOT. THEN THE BITCH HAD THE NERVE TO ASK ME IF I STILL WANTED IT AND OR WANTED TO SHARE IT? NO! I WANT IT ALL FOR MYSELF, I'M AN ONLY CHILD AND I'M NOT SPOILED BUT DON'T TOUCH MY FUCKING COKE YOU STUPID CUNT, I WILL CUT YOU! UGH!

Murder! Mayhem! I want to push her out of the car at high speeds! - This was after the coke incident, I still am a tad upset about it.

Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever. PS you don't know how happy it makes me to be able to call or text whenever I feel like instead of the trek for reception bullshit that is Big Lake Lodge. Bastards. - I'm so happy to be back, that is all.

Hi! Lol I can text my BFF! BFF Forever! - I couldn't resist fucking with Satan. I'm still trying to work that phrase in whenever I can.

Sigh I want to be a bloodsucker BFF. Fucking Stephenie Meyer. Love how she totally mentions tampons in the book. It's a shout out to all of the sickos (me) who were all about the period thing. Yeah I have problems. - It's true. I was curious. So sue me.

That concludes six days trapped in the wilderness with my parents and SF#2. I will never take a vacation with her again. NEVER! But I'm still the yahtzee champion, bitches! He he he.