i'm back bitches/roommates from hadies

I am a creature of habit. Back to school, back to blogging? I haven't posted anything in a while because mainly I've been working my ass off. I worked full time all summer. I think forty to fifty hours during the week qualifies as an angry and worn out el diablo.

I'm trying to take easy classes this semester. So far I'm failing... Intro to Sociology? Psychology of Gender? A math class? I hate math. Actually the only reason I'm here this semester is to get my math up to par for chemistry/physics. Yuck.

I do want to mention my friend Josh's new roommate. Her name is Crazy, actually its Nicole I think. She moved in Monday... So far she's started a fire, gotten into a shouting match with her bf in front of Josh, complete with clothes being thrown, and broken the toilet. That was all in the span of like six hours I think. I find his pain, well painfully funny. If I'm being real honest.

I think the best part of the whole situation yesterday was when he called me while she was in the shower. The convo went a little like this.


Me: Hello Asshole.
Him: (Breathy whisper) Hello?
Me: What? Yes?
Him: (Whisper with a hint of terror) She's in the shower.
Me: Where are you?
Him: (Squeal/whisper) In the hallway!
Me: What are you doing?
Him: She's singing Taylor Swift.
Me: So?
Him: (Pure terror) She's crying and singing!
Me: (Maniacal laughter)
Him: (Indignant whisper) It's not funny!
Me: Oh yes it fucking is.
Him: (Holds the phone up to the door) Do you hear that?
Me: No. You might want to get out of the hall before she thinks you're a peeping tom.
Him: She's singing something about 'you're not sorry'!
Me: Your going to be sorry if she comes out.
Him: (Tip toes back to his room and closes the door) FUCK!
Me: (Maniacal laughter)
Him: (Defensive) I did a background check, she looks great on paper!
Me: On paper I look like a supermodel. Doesn't mean shit.
Him: Fuck me.


I told him that perhaps she should not be getting a key. He has yet to make her one. He was even nice enough to let her move in a week early because she said that her old roommates were a nightmare. I believe that perhaps her vision was jaded into thinking she's awesome. We're all guilty of that once in a while. He called me a few more times after that but mostly it was to complain that he thought he was going to have to sleep with one eye open to make sure she didn't make off with the flat screen. I hope he keeps her purely for my entertainment.

So another year will pass with me writing about all of the shit I have to look forward to, I believe that if you don't have shit to look forward to the cement highway divider starts to look mighty tempting after a while. After all one good left turn and poof.

Wow, first day of classes and already I'm sharing my suicidal thoughts.

I digress, what I was trying to say is that I have a few things to look forward to for the rest of the week. Such as... tonight beers with izzles. Friday, a front row Twins game courtesy of Satan. And Black Bear/Duluth this weekend with the gang. This week is going to be awesome at least.

Who knows about next week.

Well, only ten min til my last class. Thanks for being there for me blogger. Promise to post lots of hate filled/funny texts next time.

You know how I do...

While studying for MN History finals:

I have the urge to kick an indian in the crotch.

My screensaver is random pictures of Satan and I...

I'm sitting here reading about treaties on indians and there you are impersonating a monkey statue at the zoo. LMAO.

Oh my god. Shit on a shingle and or please kidnap me so I can't take my history midterm! Oh my god! You cant duct tape me and rough me up a bit to make it look more convincing! I wont mind.
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Here are ones I saved... For no apparent reason.

Therapy costs money and the voices in my head can't justify it.

I hope her tit has a stroke. He he he. Diabolical genius.

I'm five. I bought super glue to fix my stylus and all I want to do is glue shit that shouldn't be gluded. Wouldn't a quarter look awesome on my fan blade?
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Can't remember what, but Satan sent me something scary. Scary accurate. Makes me giggle.

That gave me chills.
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Potty humor is my life...

I just farted super loud in the bathroom. I'll be hiding here for a bit.
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To Josh when he asked for my email for the umpteenth time.

Caught you porn handed!
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Driving is bad for my health/sanity...

APPARETNLY IT TAKES THE SORT OF IQ THAT THESE FUCKERS WERE NOT BELSSED WITH THAT WOULD TELL THEM THEY NEED TO USE BLINKERS WHEN THEY MERGE! I WAS ALMOST OBLITERATED BY A FUCKING CHEVROLET TRUCK. I'M THISCLOSE TO A CONNIPTION!

People really shouldn't put those baby on board signs on their vehicles. You think I'm going to drive safer near your spawn? No that sign is screaming target rather than use caution.
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The Truth/Testify!

Dagger eyes don't work on the mentally obtuse.
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Funny Movie/TV Quotes I stole...

I'm sure he'll go to heaven. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe he'll go to heaven. He was a little fucker though. Maybe he went to hell.

Dude, it's not stalking. It's caring enough about someone to learn things they wont tell you themselves.
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Sick in the face fantasies...

I hope a band of rogue mafia chipmunks come with little baseball bats and little brass knuckles and beat the shit out of your ankles and knees you stupid cunt whore who cut me off and slammed her brakes on and then honked at me! I hope they physically and psychologically damaged for life. I hope they beat you like you owe them money and interest!
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Observations on life, Capitan Obvious

Somehow a tanning place called Tangerine Dreams sounds wrong.

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Angry at bike riders...

YOU ARE A BIKE! YOUR NOT A CAR! BECAUSE WE BOTH KNOW THAT I'VE GOT LIKE THREE THOUSAND POUNDS OF ANGRY METAL THAT WILL JUST RUIN THAT DAY OF YOURS YOU FUCKER!
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Texts to Satan from the infamous Chi-Town 09' Trip... From Hell!

LMAO I almost had Lyndsay talked into a body by hersheys sweatshirt at the candy factory. I'm saddended that I couldn't make that a reality.

LMAO I still have six hours with them. Dead bodies buried in Wisconsin!

Girl crush over.

I'm sitting in the back eating trail mix. I heart awkward silence!!!
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Saved especially for Satan...

Stab it. Hit it with a bat. Push it down some stairs. Throw it off a balcony. I'll think of something.

LOL lil ole baby stabber me.
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Things you see that make you go hee...


And this is why I heart working in Minneapolis. Where else can you see a bum running around with a beer box on his head?

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Justification for studying for finals...

If I make it to Friday I'm buying myself a present. I deserve a pony!

I sure hope there are mutant strong ones because I intend on riding it.

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Lessons that only Nelson can teach...

Life lesson number twelve. You can't puke in a wicker trashcan, it leaks!

Apparently someone threw up in it, the toilet is two inches to the left. He is pissed.

Not sure why I find this so amusing other than the fact that he slipped in it and then screamed like a girl when he figured out what it was. All while I'm on the phone with him.

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My friend Josh works in a very liberal office, his boss brings her cat to work. He loathes/despises/wishes untoward things upon that animal. It might have something to do with the fact that it pisses and shits in his office. ONLY HIS OFFICE as he likes to point out. He said that the cat is a portly destroyer of all things happy. Made me giggle.

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More truth...

If hell is in my future it involves me climbing stairs.

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Stupid things I've done, that I'll admit...

I just tried to answer my iPod.

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rage induced texts

No time to post but I'll let you savor my text messages...

These ones were from when it was -35 below zero and people drove like idiots. I was late four out of the five days that week. No words.

I’M GOING TO MURDER BABIES, FLOWERS, RAINBOWS, AND GLITTER! I’M FUCKING PISSED! I’VE BEEN SITTING IN TRAFFIC FOR FUCKING EVER. I’M GOING TO POP A BLOOD VESSEL OF HATE AND DIE FROM THE SEIZURE I’M ABOUT TO INDUCE!

Fucking asshole you are not a car! Piece of shit bike. If I could get up to speed I’d hit you so hard I’d knock you into 2010!

HA HA HA! SLIPPERY THAN YOU THOUGHT? SLIDE INTO A SNOWBANK? SERVES YOU RIGHT! OH GOD THAT WAS FUNNY. THANK YOU THERE IS A GOD AND HE IS VENGEFUL!
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I have an enemy at work, I don't know who, but someone loves to turn the lights off on me in the bathroom. One day I will figure it out...

Oh my god! That’s it! Someone turned the lights off on me when I was pooping! How dare thee!

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Satan locked her keys in her car one of those nights when it was frigid... We didn't get her car open but we did give it our all...

My feet hurt! LOL thank god I wasn’t standing out there the whole time. Peety wont even lay next to them. Racist.

I touched his warm little balls on accident and he got up and left. Rude.

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So basically I'm sleeping with Bryan's best friend Nel after the whole debacle... I know I'm a horrible person but I honestly don't give a fuck...

Guess what we ‘watched’ last night? The Covenant. I looked over and stared at Caleb – he was like hello? Right here right now. Don’t you dare pretend I’m him. I gave him and SEG and he got pissed. That’s when it got good. I had to share.

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I've been watching Pushing Daisies... Some memorable quotes include...

The fun parts counting my money in the bubble bath!

You love secrets! You want to marry secrets and have little half-secret half-human babies!

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I sent Satan this after a particularly trying day... Only she can appreciate my humor.

FML! Driven to drink a twenty-four year old Saint Paul woman lit her office on fire today in a fit of rage. Authorities say her body was found in a strange position with her arm cocked like a bat wing. We cannot say what drove her to such insanity. More at ten.

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On inauguration day...

Some little squirt said “it makes me feel like I can do anything.” I said ok Larry Cook, we’ll come back to you in twenty years and we’ll see what you’ve done. My dad then chimed in saying don’t worry he’ll be easy to find – in prison! Ba Dum Dum! I laughed. Bad person.

LMAO racist daddy!

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Best commercial ever...

I WISH I’D NEVER BEEN BROILED!

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Some juvenile delinquents broke into Satan's car at the library, they stole a stethoscope and a dvd... We now hate the library at night.

Fucking hoodlums! Fucking library!

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A milestone as far as I'm concerned!

OMFG. It took three years and three months but it finally happened! I just talked to a lady who has tourettes! And it was awesome! I want to call her back!

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Fuck saying SF#1 her name is Lyndsay and she is a fat-bitch-cunt-lying-manipulative-whore. I'm sick of her.

FUCKING LYNDSAY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TODAY? I’M GOING TO KILL HER FAT ASS!

I’d run her over but I don’t think she’d fit under my car without damaging it.

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Random text to Satan from school...

Ah, full length leather trench coat guy. I was wondering when we we’re going to have a class together. I hate to say it but it’s a tad columbine. And it scares me.

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And the last thing I saw that made me smile and wonder if i was going to hell today...

Who would tag an overpass to say ‘I hope you get cancer.’ Now that is some evil shit. Bet their mom and dad are real proud. Even we wouldn’t do that.

Lol, I had a little SEG.

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I'm creative, I believe that there is a small nation of tribesman that live under my desk. I have yet to name them all, yes I've goten like 4 hours of sleep in the past two days...

Four hours to go. I feel like I got shot with a tired dart. Stupid little natives who live under my desk.

They subside on the crumbs I drop. I named one Tito. He’s an angry one. I bet it was him.

updates, lies and salutations

School starts this week. Beyond thrilled. Can't you hear the excitement in my voice? Because it's there. I promise. Pinky swear. Ok, I'm a liar. I like doing nothing. I will miss you winter break oh eight. More to come later. Oh yeah, happy fucking new years.