I've been slacking lately. I know. I know. In my defense I've been super fucking busy. Finals are in two weeks and I've been trying to get my school shit in gear. I've been slacking lately and it had to stop. I decided to make this my random text blog... I hope you enjoy the rage that is my thumb and my eyes not paying attention in traffic. I do this for you people. I really do.
.........
Satan text me about how much she loves Christmas music on the 12th of November. NOT EVEN THANKSGIVING YET! UGH! So I said...
LMAO let it snow let it snow let it BOOM! I just shot frosty in the head.
Kids are crying. Mothers are upset. And I'm cleaning my shot gun. Where's Santa?
I'm a horrible person and I realize that. But perhaps instead of playing Christmas music at such an early date they should play soothing meditation music. I believe that it would save a lot of lives.
..........
My parent's went away a few weekends ago. It was glorious. It was too short. Can't they go on extended vacation anytime soon? At first I hated it because I was alone with the dog and cats. I had to take that little fucker out on many occasions where he would not shit and I would be late for work and have to drive at a pace not suitable for human habitation to get to work on time. The nice thing was I could do whatever wherever I wanted to...
LOL I can do anything. I declare this naked day!
It's too cold for naked day. Heat being turned up...
Alas my naked day didn't last very long but it was freeing none the less. I miss naked day.
.........
Satan text me about something that had upset her, naturally she wanted to do bodily harm to the person who inflicted stress on her persons. This my response to her anger.
Don't kill anyone. No one looks good in orange or stripes!
She replied that she could rock that shit.
LMAO that was meant to deter not encourage.
Sigh, she brightens my world.
.........
I was a tiny bit upset with SF#1 so I text Satan this...
Guess who wanted to hang out tonight? I was like I'm staying home tonight. No reply. You know who she kinda reminds me of? The koolaide pitcher. She can just wear red and put a handle on her head and say 'oh yeah' for Halloween next year.
I'm so mean sometimes I surprise myself.
.........
I love SNL. A few weeks ago it was the Paul Rudd/Beyonce episode. I text Satan an unreasonable amount of times about this episode considering she wasn't watching it and we had already said goodnight. Here are just a sampling of my oddness.
I want to have Seth Meyers puppies.
Paul Rudd is hosting. And Beyonce. I'm not watching it for Armpits McGee.
OMG Justin Timberlake is on. LOL he's actually really funny. Oh and now he's doing 'Sexy Back' on the weekend update desk. Seth is doing the 'Yeah' part!
I never thought I would live to see the day that Justin Timberlake would be in a one piece black bathing suit and high heels trying to dancing with Andy Samberg trying to dance in one of Beyonce's music videos. I fucking rolled. Oh god I can't breathe!
Beyonce, beyonce, beyonce. The wind machine is working against you. If you didn't put on lip gloss like a hooker who just discovered Wet N' Wild you wouldn't have this problem.
I loved that episode. They had a digital short called 'Clearing the Air' which also made me lose my shit. I'm not so sure about the new people on the show, but otherwise one you should YouTube nonetheless.
.........
I believe that I don't need to recap how much I love my job/boss/bosses boss/coworkers right?
I'm really in no mood today. I wanted to give my boss a hysterectomy with an ice auger today. It's really a shame, I would have enjoyed it too.
Years of therapy cannot undo the damage that is my thought process.
..........
Shitty thing about mittens number one. You can't flick people off.
Shitty thing about mittens two. You can't text worth a damn.
..........
I am not about to admit one of my biggest irrational fears in my blog, but this next text should give you a hint. PS. Satan and I had an entire conversation which I'm omitting from this post. It possibly was one of the funniest things we have ever discussed. I will put in something for her. DAMN SQUIRRELS AND CHIPMUNKS!
I am going to murder my neighbors! They have a reindeer and lights for Christmas up. Shit shines right into my room and lights it up like the forth of July. Oh and they keep them on all night. They're just lucky they don't have one of those animatronic ones because I would lose my shit!
...........
Love is lost between Kitty and I.
Kitty ate an orange bag. I wonder if she'll go to the big catnip in the sky.
I know I'm horrible, she didn't die though.
...........
What part of drive up ATM screams get out of your car and use it? This is three people in a row at the credit union. I give up.
.........
SF#1 wants her own Edward.... It says that on her facebook. Bitch. I will karate chop you in the windpipe and leave you for dead in a snow bank!
Don't talk about him like that, please he would never. You're disgusting. Oh and step the hell off Mom.
..........
We had to talk about assisted suicide/euthanasia in my psych class. I've mentioned how much I loathe this class before, but it does have some high points.
LMAO this girl said that if you lose all of your limbs you should be put to sleep. Hee. I giggled.
Not very pc, I know. But I come from a home where one of my parents is missing a limb so it's ok for me to laugh at this. I actually love that because it gives me free reign to laugh at disabled people too. Straight to hell.
............
Ugh, ok I have to go to my math class. Next post I do I'm going to have to talk about shingles and my oath. Back to the real world.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
they killed bambi, eh bambi deserved it
My first hunting opener was interesting.
Satan and I went to visit her Grandma in Roseau. A six hour drive in the dark? Scary as all hell. Not scary so much as tense. We saw 32 deer on way up there and we were waiting for some of those little bastards grazing lazily to make a break for it in front of her car. Needless to say once we we're out of the car we were stiff and tired as heck.
We made it up in record time apparently because Satan is a speed demon. I didn't think we we're going that fast, her dad did. He he he.
I think the funniest things that happened in that six hour span were as follows; the way Satan called a doe a DICK!, the way Satan said "Oh God!" when we tried to pass a truck and a semi came around a curve right at us, and finally when Satan threw her BurgerKing out the window and it got all mayonnaise greasy.
The last one wasn't as funny until the next morning when I looked back and there was a huge blob of mayo and a piece of lettuce stuck to the back window. I imagined that the piece of lettuce was indignant and held on just to spite her. We roared when I discovered that one. Oof, I'm laughing now as I type this.
We were definitely spoiled by her Grandma. We got breakfast every morning! Pancakes, eggs, ham, toast, bacon, oh my! I'm used to having nothing so this was definitely an step up. She taught us how to make yummy chocolate chip/oatmeal cookies. She took us sightseeing, to craft fares, to eat, to shop, to see dead deer, to Pamida and everywhere else in between. I can honestly say that everything there is to do in Roseau we accomplished in the first three hours there. It's a little town. We made the most of it though. We didn't even drink, not that there were many options but that is a definite challenge for us.
Rather our time was spent on crosswords or should I say looking for them. We went to three gas stations and the Pamida on Friday night and nothing! I was pissed. They did however have The Pirate Lord at Pamida. I'm getting that for you Satan, you just wait!
We may have or may have not lied and just drove around to smoke a few times too.
All and all I have to close with these words of wisdom...
Un Petit...
DICK!
Farkle (Is that how you spell it Satan?)
Bullshit!
Satan and I went to visit her Grandma in Roseau. A six hour drive in the dark? Scary as all hell. Not scary so much as tense. We saw 32 deer on way up there and we were waiting for some of those little bastards grazing lazily to make a break for it in front of her car. Needless to say once we we're out of the car we were stiff and tired as heck.
We made it up in record time apparently because Satan is a speed demon. I didn't think we we're going that fast, her dad did. He he he.
I think the funniest things that happened in that six hour span were as follows; the way Satan called a doe a DICK!, the way Satan said "Oh God!" when we tried to pass a truck and a semi came around a curve right at us, and finally when Satan threw her BurgerKing out the window and it got all mayonnaise greasy.
The last one wasn't as funny until the next morning when I looked back and there was a huge blob of mayo and a piece of lettuce stuck to the back window. I imagined that the piece of lettuce was indignant and held on just to spite her. We roared when I discovered that one. Oof, I'm laughing now as I type this.
We were definitely spoiled by her Grandma. We got breakfast every morning! Pancakes, eggs, ham, toast, bacon, oh my! I'm used to having nothing so this was definitely an step up. She taught us how to make yummy chocolate chip/oatmeal cookies. She took us sightseeing, to craft fares, to eat, to shop, to see dead deer, to Pamida and everywhere else in between. I can honestly say that everything there is to do in Roseau we accomplished in the first three hours there. It's a little town. We made the most of it though. We didn't even drink, not that there were many options but that is a definite challenge for us.
Rather our time was spent on crosswords or should I say looking for them. We went to three gas stations and the Pamida on Friday night and nothing! I was pissed. They did however have The Pirate Lord at Pamida. I'm getting that for you Satan, you just wait!
We may have or may have not lied and just drove around to smoke a few times too.
All and all I have to close with these words of wisdom...
Un Petit...
DICK!
Farkle (Is that how you spell it Satan?)
Bullshit!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
election/halloween/rage
I haven’t posted in a while. I feel like I have to make some lame excuse for being negligent but in reality I don’t care. I’ve decided to take you through a few important days; Halloween, Election Day, etc. Mostly these are the texts I’ve sent. Of course it wouldn’t be a party unless I put the few rage/hate/indignance filled messages that I’ve sent also. I do this for you people. Not for me, never for me.
Halloween 2008
I’m not going to lie. I feel a bit weird rocking out to Shinedown as a pirate. I’m going to feel even worse when I have to walk in. Stupid unity!
We had to dress up for a team building activity. We had to do trust exercises. I was livid. No I do not want to fall and have you people catch me! I am not a tiny dancer like Heidi and or the rest of them. I will not fall so you guys can realize how heavy I actually am. I’d like to keep that secret to myself you bastards. Ugh. I did win Scariest Costume though for our costume competition. I was not a scary pirate! I was a semi sexy pirate. But when your competition is a bunch of crayons I guess you could consider me scary.
Saturday at the Library
I get to go to church. Yay! PS my boyfriend said we’re wearing the same color. I said it was meant to be. He laughed.
I have a sick fantasy. I love the little librarian nerd. He’s adorable. In a weird way, mostly I just like messing with him. That day I was late so I thought I wouldn’t get a room so I was charging in there and he was still opening the side doors. He totally waved at me. Not just a wave hello but that little finger wave, you know what I’m talking about. Anyway he made eyes at me the entire time he was putting away the DVD’s, I did my best to look like I was working hard. When I was leaving I had to go to the desk to get some DVD’s I requested, we made small talk. It’s disturbing how much fun it is to make him squirm. Sigh. I’m going to hell.
Saturday in Church
FML Jesus is so needy! Every weekend god? Really now?
I can feel the floor getting ready to open up as I type this. I might be in trouble in the after life. There is a definite, very slight, possibly large, maybe medium type chance of me not making it to heaven later in life.
Saturday Night
I went out with the girls from work; we went to Satan’s and my spot. I was bored to tears. It was weird when Satan and Cartboy came in and I didn’t get to talk to her very much. It felt wrong. We did text back and forth though about how weird they are and how much we wanted to hang out with each other. Sigh, it was torture. We’re sick in the face. Then the drama started!
I found out from Nel that Bryan was coming into town. Bryan never said a word to me. It’s funny because like the night before I was telling Satan that I think he got a girlfriend because he was acting funny. Then that happened? Rude. So Nel invited me over and I was actually thinking about it, after all Bryan was the one who said he wanted me to be friends with them. Anyway when I was leaving the girls for the evening I get a text from Bryan saying that I shouldn’t come. Keep in mind that I haven’t talked to him yet, I wasn’t even supposed to know he was in town. I immediately called Nel and was like thanks for ratting me out. He said he didn’t tell Bryan, he said he was looking forward to the awkward moment when I arrived. We deduced together that it was Jase who told Bryan because Nel told him that I might stop by. Little bastard!
Nelson and I also had the weirdest conversation ever. He was all for me coming over anyway, even if Bryan was being a little bitch and pouting on the couch. I was like if I come I’m getting hammered and I’ll have to stay, he said that was fine and that I could sleep in his bed. I said I bet that would go over real well with everyone, Jase included. That had him roaring. I know I’m a riot! Anyway, he then asked me why we had never had sex. I really was shocked. But then I got over it and said that I should just fuck him instead because then I wouldn’t have to deal with the drama. He got real quiet; I actually thought I had offended him or something. Then he said the ballsiest/funniest thing ever. He said I had to promise, nay oath that I would have sex with him someday. I of course agreed. I figured he was kidding, he was not kidding. He was like come over now. I said hell to the no. There would be dramz that I was not willing to suffer through. The he asked what I was doing this weekend, told him I was going out of town, and then he asked about next weekend, or the one after that. LMAO. It was refreshing.
He then demanded to know why I am going out of town tonight. I told him we were going to visit Satan’s grandma and go to craft shows and hang out. He laughed so hard that I thought he was going to die from a lack of air. Rude, we can assimilate just as well doing that as getting hammered and making back choices. I then told him we were going to bake cookies, he said the funniest shit ever to that. I was shocked! He said he was half hard thinking about me baking. What a sicko! I laughed though. I know that I’m sick too so it’s all good. After I got off the phone with him I called and left Jase a hate filled message and told him he was a little bitch who like to tattle and that I hoped his dick turns black and falls off. Too much? I also called Bryan and pretty much said it was nice knowing him and that if he wanted to talk he could call me. I also called him every name in the book. I’m mean.
Sorry, that was long winded as hell but I had to get it out!
Election Day
Holy fuck the lines to vote are long, I’ll go after school. No way am I going to chance my heart with rage having to stand behind those morons!
If people haven’t made up there minds on whom they’re going to vote for yet, I highly doubt you standing on an overpass with election signs are going to sway them! Also you dick with your end abortion, vote republican sign - I hope we have another thirty-five type collapse and you die for your cause!
LMAO my dad is getting indignant and racist as shit! He is yelling at the TV like Obama can hear him. Oh god he’s pacing too. I’m going in my room and pretending I didn’t vote for him.
I’m like yeah I voted for McCain. Go republicans. They’ll end abortion and jesus loves them! Yay republicans!
LOL bitter betty has turned the channel and is insisting that it’s rigged and or he’ll be assassinated anyway.
Obviously I voted for Obama. My dad on the other hand is a staunch republican. I can’t speak to him about politics because he is insane. I mean clinically. I just nod my head and agree. There is nothing else I can say to him. The only thing I can say to you is THANK GOD SARAH PALIN DIDN’T GET INTO OFFICE!
Random Rage/Funny
(I sent a picture of a man getting a massage by another man… that picture was priceless, the message I included with it should give you a pretty good visual) This dude looks way uncomfortable to have his giblets rubbed by another man. I know you can’t see his face but there is definitely gay terror on it!
Satan sent me this: I nearly pooped a blood vessel of hateful rage!
I replied: That was graphic and very descriptive. I may have made the gagging noise while laughing and actually gagged!
I love the slow down option in our voicemail at work, it makes everyone sound drunk and retarded!
I’m just wondering what miracle or apparition has appeared on highway, because there is no reason why we should be at a dead stop! Unless it’s Mother Mary performing a strip tease could you move your mother fucking asses? Please and thank you!
Satan sent me another text saying: That test left me feeling cold and alone. It raped me. I feel so dirty.
I about rolled on the floor I was laughing so hard. She is one funny SOB!
Ok that’s all folks. I have to work for another six hours and then Satan and I are out of here. Roseau Road Trip 08’ baby! Were going to tear up the town, they wont know what hit them.
Hugs and kisses!
Halloween 2008
I’m not going to lie. I feel a bit weird rocking out to Shinedown as a pirate. I’m going to feel even worse when I have to walk in. Stupid unity!
We had to dress up for a team building activity. We had to do trust exercises. I was livid. No I do not want to fall and have you people catch me! I am not a tiny dancer like Heidi and or the rest of them. I will not fall so you guys can realize how heavy I actually am. I’d like to keep that secret to myself you bastards. Ugh. I did win Scariest Costume though for our costume competition. I was not a scary pirate! I was a semi sexy pirate. But when your competition is a bunch of crayons I guess you could consider me scary.
Saturday at the Library
I get to go to church. Yay! PS my boyfriend said we’re wearing the same color. I said it was meant to be. He laughed.
I have a sick fantasy. I love the little librarian nerd. He’s adorable. In a weird way, mostly I just like messing with him. That day I was late so I thought I wouldn’t get a room so I was charging in there and he was still opening the side doors. He totally waved at me. Not just a wave hello but that little finger wave, you know what I’m talking about. Anyway he made eyes at me the entire time he was putting away the DVD’s, I did my best to look like I was working hard. When I was leaving I had to go to the desk to get some DVD’s I requested, we made small talk. It’s disturbing how much fun it is to make him squirm. Sigh. I’m going to hell.
Saturday in Church
FML Jesus is so needy! Every weekend god? Really now?
I can feel the floor getting ready to open up as I type this. I might be in trouble in the after life. There is a definite, very slight, possibly large, maybe medium type chance of me not making it to heaven later in life.
Saturday Night
I went out with the girls from work; we went to Satan’s and my spot. I was bored to tears. It was weird when Satan and Cartboy came in and I didn’t get to talk to her very much. It felt wrong. We did text back and forth though about how weird they are and how much we wanted to hang out with each other. Sigh, it was torture. We’re sick in the face. Then the drama started!
I found out from Nel that Bryan was coming into town. Bryan never said a word to me. It’s funny because like the night before I was telling Satan that I think he got a girlfriend because he was acting funny. Then that happened? Rude. So Nel invited me over and I was actually thinking about it, after all Bryan was the one who said he wanted me to be friends with them. Anyway when I was leaving the girls for the evening I get a text from Bryan saying that I shouldn’t come. Keep in mind that I haven’t talked to him yet, I wasn’t even supposed to know he was in town. I immediately called Nel and was like thanks for ratting me out. He said he didn’t tell Bryan, he said he was looking forward to the awkward moment when I arrived. We deduced together that it was Jase who told Bryan because Nel told him that I might stop by. Little bastard!
Nelson and I also had the weirdest conversation ever. He was all for me coming over anyway, even if Bryan was being a little bitch and pouting on the couch. I was like if I come I’m getting hammered and I’ll have to stay, he said that was fine and that I could sleep in his bed. I said I bet that would go over real well with everyone, Jase included. That had him roaring. I know I’m a riot! Anyway, he then asked me why we had never had sex. I really was shocked. But then I got over it and said that I should just fuck him instead because then I wouldn’t have to deal with the drama. He got real quiet; I actually thought I had offended him or something. Then he said the ballsiest/funniest thing ever. He said I had to promise, nay oath that I would have sex with him someday. I of course agreed. I figured he was kidding, he was not kidding. He was like come over now. I said hell to the no. There would be dramz that I was not willing to suffer through. The he asked what I was doing this weekend, told him I was going out of town, and then he asked about next weekend, or the one after that. LMAO. It was refreshing.
He then demanded to know why I am going out of town tonight. I told him we were going to visit Satan’s grandma and go to craft shows and hang out. He laughed so hard that I thought he was going to die from a lack of air. Rude, we can assimilate just as well doing that as getting hammered and making back choices. I then told him we were going to bake cookies, he said the funniest shit ever to that. I was shocked! He said he was half hard thinking about me baking. What a sicko! I laughed though. I know that I’m sick too so it’s all good. After I got off the phone with him I called and left Jase a hate filled message and told him he was a little bitch who like to tattle and that I hoped his dick turns black and falls off. Too much? I also called Bryan and pretty much said it was nice knowing him and that if he wanted to talk he could call me. I also called him every name in the book. I’m mean.
Sorry, that was long winded as hell but I had to get it out!
Election Day
Holy fuck the lines to vote are long, I’ll go after school. No way am I going to chance my heart with rage having to stand behind those morons!
If people haven’t made up there minds on whom they’re going to vote for yet, I highly doubt you standing on an overpass with election signs are going to sway them! Also you dick with your end abortion, vote republican sign - I hope we have another thirty-five type collapse and you die for your cause!
LMAO my dad is getting indignant and racist as shit! He is yelling at the TV like Obama can hear him. Oh god he’s pacing too. I’m going in my room and pretending I didn’t vote for him.
I’m like yeah I voted for McCain. Go republicans. They’ll end abortion and jesus loves them! Yay republicans!
LOL bitter betty has turned the channel and is insisting that it’s rigged and or he’ll be assassinated anyway.
Obviously I voted for Obama. My dad on the other hand is a staunch republican. I can’t speak to him about politics because he is insane. I mean clinically. I just nod my head and agree. There is nothing else I can say to him. The only thing I can say to you is THANK GOD SARAH PALIN DIDN’T GET INTO OFFICE!
Random Rage/Funny
(I sent a picture of a man getting a massage by another man… that picture was priceless, the message I included with it should give you a pretty good visual) This dude looks way uncomfortable to have his giblets rubbed by another man. I know you can’t see his face but there is definitely gay terror on it!
Satan sent me this: I nearly pooped a blood vessel of hateful rage!
I replied: That was graphic and very descriptive. I may have made the gagging noise while laughing and actually gagged!
I love the slow down option in our voicemail at work, it makes everyone sound drunk and retarded!
I’m just wondering what miracle or apparition has appeared on highway, because there is no reason why we should be at a dead stop! Unless it’s Mother Mary performing a strip tease could you move your mother fucking asses? Please and thank you!
Satan sent me another text saying: That test left me feeling cold and alone. It raped me. I feel so dirty.
I about rolled on the floor I was laughing so hard. She is one funny SOB!
Ok that’s all folks. I have to work for another six hours and then Satan and I are out of here. Roseau Road Trip 08’ baby! Were going to tear up the town, they wont know what hit them.
Hugs and kisses!
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