Thursday, January 31, 2008
vomit in or around my face
Update: My hands are now tingling. I don't itch so much anymore. But one gross thing I did about 20 minutes ago was I coughed so hard I gagged. Ok normally, but today I kinda vomited and drooled all over mysellf. I had to pick vomit out of my hair and off my shirt. I am for sure dying. If I live to see tomorrow I am going to start the list of things I want to do before I die...
open letter to god and rage
Want to know what’s awesome? When you have to sit up front for an hour because the other girl you share your position with wants to go to a meeting. WANTS NOT NEEDS! A meeting so they can plan our holiday party at work. I mean come the fuck on!!!
Meanwhile you’re dying. Fucking WebMD, don’t ever go on there. You will convince yourself you’re dying. I did! So my symptoms include numb hands/fingers, a rash on my knees, thighs, hands, palms, face, feet & elbows, and fever type symptoms.
According to WebMD I have about 40 possible things wrong with me. And then your coworkers get you freaked out by saying you should really go to the doctor… Please don’t get me going. I’ll never stop. I’m a hypochondriac!
I’m getting all hot and bothered. Ok, happy thoughts!
Oh my god. Now my leg is sore/numb. What’s wrong with me? I’m two seconds away from crying, I swear to God.
I HATE HER. I CAN HERE THEM LAUGHING IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM WHILE PLANNING THEIR STUPID FUCKING HOLIDAY PARTY. JESUS HENRY CHIRST! I WILL KILL HER! OH GOD.
Deep breathing.
Why does my esophagus seem to be closing?
Dear God,
Please allow me to live long enough to choke the life out of her eyes! I promise once I’m done with that you can take me. And while were on the subject, is heaven all it’s cracked up to be? Because I have an invitation to the party going on down below, Satan said I would even be put into a position with power. But, I’m holding out for a company car and an extra week of vacation. So let me know a.s.a.p. because I don’t know how much longer I can continue to be nice to people. I am very ill after all, and I have suffered for many years.
Thanks and eternal gratefulness,
El Diablo
P.S. I also really want a pony if that ever works for you…
Sorry, I had to get that out. Just in case, you know.
Meanwhile you’re dying. Fucking WebMD, don’t ever go on there. You will convince yourself you’re dying. I did! So my symptoms include numb hands/fingers, a rash on my knees, thighs, hands, palms, face, feet & elbows, and fever type symptoms.
According to WebMD I have about 40 possible things wrong with me. And then your coworkers get you freaked out by saying you should really go to the doctor… Please don’t get me going. I’ll never stop. I’m a hypochondriac!
I’m getting all hot and bothered. Ok, happy thoughts!
Oh my god. Now my leg is sore/numb. What’s wrong with me? I’m two seconds away from crying, I swear to God.
I HATE HER. I CAN HERE THEM LAUGHING IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM WHILE PLANNING THEIR STUPID FUCKING HOLIDAY PARTY. JESUS HENRY CHIRST! I WILL KILL HER! OH GOD.
Deep breathing.
Why does my esophagus seem to be closing?
Dear God,
Please allow me to live long enough to choke the life out of her eyes! I promise once I’m done with that you can take me. And while were on the subject, is heaven all it’s cracked up to be? Because I have an invitation to the party going on down below, Satan said I would even be put into a position with power. But, I’m holding out for a company car and an extra week of vacation. So let me know a.s.a.p. because I don’t know how much longer I can continue to be nice to people. I am very ill after all, and I have suffered for many years.
Thanks and eternal gratefulness,
El Diablo
P.S. I also really want a pony if that ever works for you…
Sorry, I had to get that out. Just in case, you know.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
school for the blind
I didn't get into that school. Back to the drawing boards. This sucks, but I will perservere. Just wanted to mention it. Do you feel bad for me? If so, buy me things. Nothing says love you better than presents and money. Seriously, gifts please. Sniff, tear.
sick in the face for reals
I feel like a bad person for not posting for 5 days… At least the weekends don’t count so technically its only 3 days. For the past week I have been sick as a dog. Like miserable I don’t want to get out of bed to go to the bathroom sick. It was horrible. And even though I still sound rough, I feel way better. Minus the whole my head rings and my ears pop all the fucking time. What’s with that? Oh and today I have a rash like all over my body. Not a disgusting STD rash but more like red bumps all over my arms and legs that itch like a mother fucking riot.
If I have the chicken pox I will kill someone. You can only get that shit once right? I have no immunity so I’m not discounting that one until I talk to my Mom the RN of 20 years. She’s used to my hypocondryical personality and will hopefully set me straight with a “No. Just hold pressure, or elevate it!” schpeel. I’m fucking itchy and whiney as a mug right now. I swear its spreading at an increased rate too. Oh god. I’m getting hot and sweaty thinking about it. Ok, moving on.
When I got home early on Friday afternoon I figured I would just sleep a bit and then hang out with Satan. Reality set in at 6pm when I was sitting on the couch shivering. Even my Mom was like, “You look sick.” Which in my head equated to me dying! Don’t get me rilled up with that shit. Jesus!
I figured a nice hot shower would cure me. Wrong! When I got in it was like a drug. I stayed in there for like an hour with the hottest water pumping down. It was narcotic. When I got out I put my sweats on and jumped under the covers. Ahh… Now I want to do that when I get home.
Anyway, I went back out to see the parents and sat down to watch a little tv. That’s when it hit me. Fuck, I feel awful and I can barely keep my eyes open. I tried to deny it once again by drying my hair and getting ready for the evening. But, sickness being the evil bitch that it is wouldn’t let me be. I text Satan and cancelled. I then talked myself into I’ll just go to bed early and be fine for the bridal shower I was going to on Saturday.
Wrong again. Two hours later I was fucking delusional and talking to myself. I laid there shivering and talking to myself for 2 hours. I made my mom put two pairs of socks on me and mittens. I don’t really remember much. A lot of “You’ll be fine!” by me. Even when sick I like to be positive. But needless to say I was miserable. I slept until 1 on Saturday. Then I got up and took a shit load of medicine and went back to bed. No bridal shower. It hurt and exausted me to go to the bathroom.
Saturday and Sunday were a blur. I remember sweating a lot and being really cantankerous. I’m typically really surly when sick. Do not provoke me. I even had to call in on Monday because I coughed all night on Sunday and kept myself up. I started my week on Tuesday and I’m ready for the weekend. I’m going to do something fun if it kills me. Ugh!
Sick dreams are fucking unreal by the way. I remember a few of them but others were so bizarre that I don’t want to repeat them. Ever. I do remember the one where I was a corpse and I rolled out and coughed malaria into Jonah’s face. That was trippy.
I know this post was random. But I just wanted to recap about my SHITTY, SHITTY WEEKNED. FUCKING FLU!
Now I’m off in a half hour and I’m going to go to Barnes and Noble then go and see if I have to get calamine lotion. Fucking itchy bullshit!
I missed you posting. I really did.
*Muah*
If I have the chicken pox I will kill someone. You can only get that shit once right? I have no immunity so I’m not discounting that one until I talk to my Mom the RN of 20 years. She’s used to my hypocondryical personality and will hopefully set me straight with a “No. Just hold pressure, or elevate it!” schpeel. I’m fucking itchy and whiney as a mug right now. I swear its spreading at an increased rate too. Oh god. I’m getting hot and sweaty thinking about it. Ok, moving on.
When I got home early on Friday afternoon I figured I would just sleep a bit and then hang out with Satan. Reality set in at 6pm when I was sitting on the couch shivering. Even my Mom was like, “You look sick.” Which in my head equated to me dying! Don’t get me rilled up with that shit. Jesus!
I figured a nice hot shower would cure me. Wrong! When I got in it was like a drug. I stayed in there for like an hour with the hottest water pumping down. It was narcotic. When I got out I put my sweats on and jumped under the covers. Ahh… Now I want to do that when I get home.
Anyway, I went back out to see the parents and sat down to watch a little tv. That’s when it hit me. Fuck, I feel awful and I can barely keep my eyes open. I tried to deny it once again by drying my hair and getting ready for the evening. But, sickness being the evil bitch that it is wouldn’t let me be. I text Satan and cancelled. I then talked myself into I’ll just go to bed early and be fine for the bridal shower I was going to on Saturday.
Wrong again. Two hours later I was fucking delusional and talking to myself. I laid there shivering and talking to myself for 2 hours. I made my mom put two pairs of socks on me and mittens. I don’t really remember much. A lot of “You’ll be fine!” by me. Even when sick I like to be positive. But needless to say I was miserable. I slept until 1 on Saturday. Then I got up and took a shit load of medicine and went back to bed. No bridal shower. It hurt and exausted me to go to the bathroom.
Saturday and Sunday were a blur. I remember sweating a lot and being really cantankerous. I’m typically really surly when sick. Do not provoke me. I even had to call in on Monday because I coughed all night on Sunday and kept myself up. I started my week on Tuesday and I’m ready for the weekend. I’m going to do something fun if it kills me. Ugh!
Sick dreams are fucking unreal by the way. I remember a few of them but others were so bizarre that I don’t want to repeat them. Ever. I do remember the one where I was a corpse and I rolled out and coughed malaria into Jonah’s face. That was trippy.
I know this post was random. But I just wanted to recap about my SHITTY, SHITTY WEEKNED. FUCKING FLU!
Now I’m off in a half hour and I’m going to go to Barnes and Noble then go and see if I have to get calamine lotion. Fucking itchy bullshit!
I missed you posting. I really did.
*Muah*
Thursday, January 24, 2008
excited innards
Update: I still didn't get a letter from school. That makes my head hurt even worse...
soco makes me soso
Guess what’s awesome? Go on, take a shot…
I get to work up front again all day!
Yes. That is correct. She needed another day off! TO FIND A CAR!
REALLY BITCH? I WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP, GET A SHINY ONE BECAUSE I AM GOING TO KEY THE SHIT OUT OF IT WHEN I HAVE A CHANCE! YOU HOOKER TOOTHED NASTY BITCH FROM HELL! I WANT TO CHOKE YOU TO DEATH AND WATCH YOUR EYES DIE!!! UGH!?!
I will kill her. I swear to God. I have a headache like you would not believe. It literally feels like someone stuck a whisk behind my eyes and is mixing my brain into a nice froth. Oh my ocular cavities! I can’t drink on work nights. In moderation yes, but not the combo I had last night. Soco does not mix with vodka, ever. Just don’t do it! I’m just happy I only had one shot, surely another one would have killed me?!
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not hungover. I just have a headache. No vomiting or excessive pooping.
I don’t want to be here. I just don’t think I can do six plus hours being cheerful and being nice to people. I seriously can’t. I want to cry. I feel tears coming. I SHOULD HAVE CALLED IN!
I need to calm down. Let us think back to last night when the impossible happened. Satan and I met the male versions of us. Seriously, it was ridiculous. Chris and Colin. Adorable, but not doable.
Here is my theory on Adorable vs. Doable… Boys who are fun to hang out with are usually adorable. Most times it’s figuratively not literally, but goodun’s none the less. Boys who are doable are just that. Those two never coincide. They never shake hands so to speak.
(A+++ for me remembering that!)
Back to Chris and Colin, they were fun. They were snarky and such just like us. Hopefully they’ll be up at Acapulco’s on Friday so we can shoot the shit again. I just think it was meant to be for us to hang out with them. A meeting of the minds if you will…
After all of our festivities we parted ways and went to Perkins. Ugh. Gag. Pish.
That was so not necessary! Fried bread and french fries! Jesus.
After that I dropped Satan off at her car and proceeded home. I was going like 60 in a 50 zone and all of a sudden I see a fucking deer prancing (not running) across the highway. Fuck! Ok. Slamming brakes, squealing tires, heart stopping. And I still hit the fucker! Not hard enough to do damage to my car or it hopefully, but Christ! It staggered for a second and then booked it into a field.
Only I have the luck to hit a deer on the way home. This is the second time too!
I immediately called Satan and said a lot of “oh my gawds!” and “I’m going to poop!” It wasn’t cute. I had to share that with someone. The guy I’m seeing ditched me so I was sure as shit wasn’t calling him. Dick.
But he got his last night. He called and I made him feel like shit because I cried. Not really sure why I cried but it felt good. Sometimes you just need a good cry… I DID MY BEST!
People here at work are fucking ridiculous. I love when I have to screen their calls for them because God forbid they have to deal with that customer that they have been avoiding all week. If you just did your fucking job (which isn’t hard, by the way) in the first place, people wouldn’t be hounding your ass. Is this so complex to understand? I don’t care if you don’t want to talk to them… It’s really not my problem. And if you really don’t want to take the call I’ll just give it to my supervisor to take. See how much fun I can be? Asshats.
I’m officially starving. I’m so hungry. Except I don’t want to go out and get anything! It is so cold out. I think I’m going to say fuck it and starve. I have pudding in the fridge at work, that’ll get me by. I really, really, really hope they let me go at 6pm.
Well, that’s all I’ve got. I’m mentally and physically depleted.
I get to work up front again all day!
Yes. That is correct. She needed another day off! TO FIND A CAR!
REALLY BITCH? I WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP, GET A SHINY ONE BECAUSE I AM GOING TO KEY THE SHIT OUT OF IT WHEN I HAVE A CHANCE! YOU HOOKER TOOTHED NASTY BITCH FROM HELL! I WANT TO CHOKE YOU TO DEATH AND WATCH YOUR EYES DIE!!! UGH!?!
I will kill her. I swear to God. I have a headache like you would not believe. It literally feels like someone stuck a whisk behind my eyes and is mixing my brain into a nice froth. Oh my ocular cavities! I can’t drink on work nights. In moderation yes, but not the combo I had last night. Soco does not mix with vodka, ever. Just don’t do it! I’m just happy I only had one shot, surely another one would have killed me?!
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not hungover. I just have a headache. No vomiting or excessive pooping.
I don’t want to be here. I just don’t think I can do six plus hours being cheerful and being nice to people. I seriously can’t. I want to cry. I feel tears coming. I SHOULD HAVE CALLED IN!
I need to calm down. Let us think back to last night when the impossible happened. Satan and I met the male versions of us. Seriously, it was ridiculous. Chris and Colin. Adorable, but not doable.
Here is my theory on Adorable vs. Doable… Boys who are fun to hang out with are usually adorable. Most times it’s figuratively not literally, but goodun’s none the less. Boys who are doable are just that. Those two never coincide. They never shake hands so to speak.
(A+++ for me remembering that!)
Back to Chris and Colin, they were fun. They were snarky and such just like us. Hopefully they’ll be up at Acapulco’s on Friday so we can shoot the shit again. I just think it was meant to be for us to hang out with them. A meeting of the minds if you will…
After all of our festivities we parted ways and went to Perkins. Ugh. Gag. Pish.
That was so not necessary! Fried bread and french fries! Jesus.
After that I dropped Satan off at her car and proceeded home. I was going like 60 in a 50 zone and all of a sudden I see a fucking deer prancing (not running) across the highway. Fuck! Ok. Slamming brakes, squealing tires, heart stopping. And I still hit the fucker! Not hard enough to do damage to my car or it hopefully, but Christ! It staggered for a second and then booked it into a field.
Only I have the luck to hit a deer on the way home. This is the second time too!
I immediately called Satan and said a lot of “oh my gawds!” and “I’m going to poop!” It wasn’t cute. I had to share that with someone. The guy I’m seeing ditched me so I was sure as shit wasn’t calling him. Dick.
But he got his last night. He called and I made him feel like shit because I cried. Not really sure why I cried but it felt good. Sometimes you just need a good cry… I DID MY BEST!
People here at work are fucking ridiculous. I love when I have to screen their calls for them because God forbid they have to deal with that customer that they have been avoiding all week. If you just did your fucking job (which isn’t hard, by the way) in the first place, people wouldn’t be hounding your ass. Is this so complex to understand? I don’t care if you don’t want to talk to them… It’s really not my problem. And if you really don’t want to take the call I’ll just give it to my supervisor to take. See how much fun I can be? Asshats.
I’m officially starving. I’m so hungry. Except I don’t want to go out and get anything! It is so cold out. I think I’m going to say fuck it and starve. I have pudding in the fridge at work, that’ll get me by. I really, really, really hope they let me go at 6pm.
Well, that’s all I’ve got. I’m mentally and physically depleted.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
sea of emotion part 2
This is going to be a random post. There has just been so many little things that I’ve wanted to discuss in the last few days! So here it goes…
I was watching Robots last night and there was a part in there that made me think about my friends… If you’ve never seen it then shame on you, it’s adorable. Fender (played by Robin Williams) says “You consider me a friend?” then Rodney (played by Ewan McGregor) says “Sure. What else would I consider you?” and Fender says “I don’t know. An embarrassment? A way to rebel against your parents? A desperate cry for help? The list is endless.” I loved that. Because the VBP in me strives to be each and every one of those things!
Want to know what freaks me out? So much so, that whenever I see them on TV I have to change the channel immediately! The Blue Man Group. Scary shit. I don’t know why but oh lord do I get nervous when I see them. I think it has something to do with the documentary thing I watched on how they get like that. Essentially, there is this latex head piece and latex gloves. They have to lube their heads up and slip into a big blue head condom. Gag. I can’t even go on. It just bothers the shit out of me.
I watched Knocked Up last night also, I love that movie. The only thing I have a problem with is the Ryan Seacrest bit. He makes me uncomfortable. I know he’s acting his little heart out, but god. Stick to hosting duties. Your eyes creep me out.
Some under used lines from Superbad which I have to work into my everyday vocabulary are:
Now Seth’s got to pick up all the pieces.
Where’s the liquor Danny Ocean? Did you hide it up your butt?
Making your tits smaller? That’s like slapping God in the face for giving you a beautiful gift!
You know one of you bro’s could have sat up front with me. No thanks. We’re fine in the back. Safe.
So are you on MySpace?
I’m essentially best friends with the guy, so a bunch of my friends are coming. We’re going to rock out with our cocks out! Ok, not with our cocks out but we are going to rock out!
I want to bitch slap you so hard!
Bingo bango are we ready to go go?
I know it’s annoying to reiterate that I love that fucking movie all the time. But, I do. I really, really do. Moving on.
Heath Ledger. Wow. I can’t even believe it. I think in our society today it’s such a media and celebrity mad house that we feel we know everything about these people. In reality we don’t but I was still saddened to hear of his death. It really affected me. He was close to my age and I have followed his career for a while now. I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way. It’s just really sad. I kind of want to cry…
I’m in a panic mode right now. My life could dramatically change. I applied to a radiology program very recently, and now there is a tiny possibility that I could get in! When I originally applied for it in September I got a reply in November saying that they didn’t have a program director and would be cancelling their January classes. I was a tiny bit heartbroken. I’ll admit it. I really wanted to get into that specific program because it is the best in the state.
SF#2 applied also. She got a letter last week saying that they found a director and their classes that would have started in January would now be starting in April. Her letter said that only the top 20% of applicants would be getting interviews.
Needless to say she was not in that 20%. Oh, and she could never reapply to that program. (Why does that last part make me giggle?) I didn’t get that letter. So there’s a tiny shot in hell that I might get in. I probably have that same letter waiting at home for me right now, but I can’t deny that I’m a teeny bit hopeful. I would be fucking stoked to get in. I’m not going to talk about it anymore, I might jinx it.
I have heartburn and I swear I’m getting a stomach ulcer from the stress!
They’re letting me off early from work tonight. Sweet! That means I only have to do another 14 hours of no pay. Better to get it done early. I don’t want to be here anymore anyway. I need to go to Walmart… Shopping is very therapeutic for me. I love walking around the store aimlessly… It’s weird, I know.
I’m trying to call the house right now. Some asshole (probably my father) left the phone off the hook. And of course no one is answering the cell phone! Ugh. Why do we even have a house phone or cell phone? I really want to see if I got that same letter.
I’m trying to distract myself right now so let’s talk about Hawaii. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I miss it. I miss the people. I miss the laid back atmosphere. I miss the weather. I miss the feeling of contentment. I miss the ocean. I miss the smell of the air. I miss everything.
I was thinking I might go back to visit. But, at the same time there are so many memories that I don’t want to relive there. And visiting those people will send me spiraling right back to that. I don’t think I want to go there yet. If I did I wouldn’t visit anyone. I would just go and try to soak some of that life back up. I often think about how miserable things were there, but it was never the island. Just the people who put me through hell, fuckers!
I haven’t talked to Ian or John or Josh in over a month. I seriously think that it’s a personal best for me. No emails, no calls, no texts. Nothing… I’m glad. I need to cut that shit out of my life. Those boys are toxic. But at the same time, me being the dramatic person I am wishes they would reach out. It’s fucking pathetic. It’s a hard cycle to break. I seriously need therapy. I will never be the person I once was. I used to be fucking happy. Now look at me!
Jesus, not knowing about school has brought up some weird topics for me.
FUCKERS! I just tried again. I want to breathe fire. Oof, that might just be the heartburn.
Oh last night I gave myself a new nickname : Le Queen of all Things Dramatic
Pretty good right? I thought it was fitting.
I have stains on my shirt and they’re bothering the shit out of me. I spilled Rockstar on me during my awesome drive to work. Fucking people who brake because I’m too close! Well, maybe you shouldn’t be in the fast lane then. Ugh, I’m getting myself all rilled up. Happy thoughts.
Who are we kidding? The only happy thoughts I have are of boiled babies. I’m sick.
Fucking eh, tried again. They’re probably watching Law and Order and eating tomato soup.
Ok, Mom just called work. She put me on hold…
…
…
…
…
…
UGH!
…
…
…
…
…
NO LETTER! OH GOD. MY TUMMY HURTS! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? AM I IN THE TOP 20%? DID MINE GET LOST IN THE MAIL? OOF, MY HEAD HURTS! OK, WELL I’M TRYING TO REMAIN CALM RIGHT NOW. FROM THE CAPS I THINK THAT YOU CAN TELL IT’S NOT WORKING.
Ok. Calm down. If I don’t get anything in the mail by Friday I think I’m going to call.
I am a sea of emotions right now. I need a drink and a cigarette. My hands are shaking. I’m going to call Satan. Someone needs to calm me down.
I was watching Robots last night and there was a part in there that made me think about my friends… If you’ve never seen it then shame on you, it’s adorable. Fender (played by Robin Williams) says “You consider me a friend?” then Rodney (played by Ewan McGregor) says “Sure. What else would I consider you?” and Fender says “I don’t know. An embarrassment? A way to rebel against your parents? A desperate cry for help? The list is endless.” I loved that. Because the VBP in me strives to be each and every one of those things!
Want to know what freaks me out? So much so, that whenever I see them on TV I have to change the channel immediately! The Blue Man Group. Scary shit. I don’t know why but oh lord do I get nervous when I see them. I think it has something to do with the documentary thing I watched on how they get like that. Essentially, there is this latex head piece and latex gloves. They have to lube their heads up and slip into a big blue head condom. Gag. I can’t even go on. It just bothers the shit out of me.
I watched Knocked Up last night also, I love that movie. The only thing I have a problem with is the Ryan Seacrest bit. He makes me uncomfortable. I know he’s acting his little heart out, but god. Stick to hosting duties. Your eyes creep me out.
Some under used lines from Superbad which I have to work into my everyday vocabulary are:
Now Seth’s got to pick up all the pieces.
Where’s the liquor Danny Ocean? Did you hide it up your butt?
Making your tits smaller? That’s like slapping God in the face for giving you a beautiful gift!
You know one of you bro’s could have sat up front with me. No thanks. We’re fine in the back. Safe.
So are you on MySpace?
I’m essentially best friends with the guy, so a bunch of my friends are coming. We’re going to rock out with our cocks out! Ok, not with our cocks out but we are going to rock out!
I want to bitch slap you so hard!
Bingo bango are we ready to go go?
I know it’s annoying to reiterate that I love that fucking movie all the time. But, I do. I really, really do. Moving on.
Heath Ledger. Wow. I can’t even believe it. I think in our society today it’s such a media and celebrity mad house that we feel we know everything about these people. In reality we don’t but I was still saddened to hear of his death. It really affected me. He was close to my age and I have followed his career for a while now. I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way. It’s just really sad. I kind of want to cry…
I’m in a panic mode right now. My life could dramatically change. I applied to a radiology program very recently, and now there is a tiny possibility that I could get in! When I originally applied for it in September I got a reply in November saying that they didn’t have a program director and would be cancelling their January classes. I was a tiny bit heartbroken. I’ll admit it. I really wanted to get into that specific program because it is the best in the state.
SF#2 applied also. She got a letter last week saying that they found a director and their classes that would have started in January would now be starting in April. Her letter said that only the top 20% of applicants would be getting interviews.
Needless to say she was not in that 20%. Oh, and she could never reapply to that program. (Why does that last part make me giggle?) I didn’t get that letter. So there’s a tiny shot in hell that I might get in. I probably have that same letter waiting at home for me right now, but I can’t deny that I’m a teeny bit hopeful. I would be fucking stoked to get in. I’m not going to talk about it anymore, I might jinx it.
I have heartburn and I swear I’m getting a stomach ulcer from the stress!
They’re letting me off early from work tonight. Sweet! That means I only have to do another 14 hours of no pay. Better to get it done early. I don’t want to be here anymore anyway. I need to go to Walmart… Shopping is very therapeutic for me. I love walking around the store aimlessly… It’s weird, I know.
I’m trying to call the house right now. Some asshole (probably my father) left the phone off the hook. And of course no one is answering the cell phone! Ugh. Why do we even have a house phone or cell phone? I really want to see if I got that same letter.
I’m trying to distract myself right now so let’s talk about Hawaii. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I miss it. I miss the people. I miss the laid back atmosphere. I miss the weather. I miss the feeling of contentment. I miss the ocean. I miss the smell of the air. I miss everything.
I was thinking I might go back to visit. But, at the same time there are so many memories that I don’t want to relive there. And visiting those people will send me spiraling right back to that. I don’t think I want to go there yet. If I did I wouldn’t visit anyone. I would just go and try to soak some of that life back up. I often think about how miserable things were there, but it was never the island. Just the people who put me through hell, fuckers!
I haven’t talked to Ian or John or Josh in over a month. I seriously think that it’s a personal best for me. No emails, no calls, no texts. Nothing… I’m glad. I need to cut that shit out of my life. Those boys are toxic. But at the same time, me being the dramatic person I am wishes they would reach out. It’s fucking pathetic. It’s a hard cycle to break. I seriously need therapy. I will never be the person I once was. I used to be fucking happy. Now look at me!
Jesus, not knowing about school has brought up some weird topics for me.
FUCKERS! I just tried again. I want to breathe fire. Oof, that might just be the heartburn.
Oh last night I gave myself a new nickname : Le Queen of all Things Dramatic
Pretty good right? I thought it was fitting.
I have stains on my shirt and they’re bothering the shit out of me. I spilled Rockstar on me during my awesome drive to work. Fucking people who brake because I’m too close! Well, maybe you shouldn’t be in the fast lane then. Ugh, I’m getting myself all rilled up. Happy thoughts.
Who are we kidding? The only happy thoughts I have are of boiled babies. I’m sick.
Fucking eh, tried again. They’re probably watching Law and Order and eating tomato soup.
Ok, Mom just called work. She put me on hold…
…
…
…
…
…
UGH!
…
…
…
…
…
NO LETTER! OH GOD. MY TUMMY HURTS! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? AM I IN THE TOP 20%? DID MINE GET LOST IN THE MAIL? OOF, MY HEAD HURTS! OK, WELL I’M TRYING TO REMAIN CALM RIGHT NOW. FROM THE CAPS I THINK THAT YOU CAN TELL IT’S NOT WORKING.
Ok. Calm down. If I don’t get anything in the mail by Friday I think I’m going to call.
I am a sea of emotions right now. I need a drink and a cigarette. My hands are shaking. I’m going to call Satan. Someone needs to calm me down.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
rage and the poor house
This is the fourth time in the last week and a half that I have had to be up front all day. I’m motherfucking enraged. Apparently, shopping for a car is more important than working. I’m sorry, CAN’T YOU DO THAT ALL WEEKEND? I’m a fucking bitter Betty right now. She hasn’t found one yet and they’ve been out over ten times looking, just pick one already! Enough with the excuses! This is bullshit. Hooker! UGH!
I’m all hopped up on caffeine right now. I don’t know why I needed a case of Rockstar, oof. My innards are excited. I really don’t think I should drink this stuff when I’m cranky, because now I’m a pissed of mofo.
Reasons I’m cranky so far today:
Waking up late – Then not being able to wash your hair. Awesome! Oh, then having your father ask you to do like 10 things as your walking out the door. Then slipping on ice when you take the dog out! But somehow getting to work early…
Wet paper towels – If you dry your hands on them could you at least push them down far enough in the trash can so when I stick mine in there yours don’t fall out and touch me!!! Pish motherfucking gag!
Getting to work early – Getting to work like 15 min early and sitting there online so you punch in 5 min late because you were reading Perez! SHIT!
Paper cuts – OUCH! (Not as bad as almost losing a finger shaving, but fuck none the less!)
People who are touchy feely – Don’t touch/rub my shoulders. Its fucking inappropriate for work, I don’t care if you think I’m awesome for doing all your work for you. HANDS OFF ASSHOLE! I really can’t stand it. I really, really need a shower now.
Toothaches – I think I’m in denial, my tooth has hurt for like the past two weeks but I’ve been ignoring it hoping it’ll go away. Shit is not going anywhere, I hate the dentist!
Insurance bills – I know it’ll be in my room waiting for me one of these days. It makes my tummy hurt just to think about paying it!
Other bills – I always forget about the little bills I get, meaning the $50 dollar dentist or the $80 health insurance thing. Shit! I for some reason wait till they say they’re going to turn me into collections before I pay it. Is that bad?
Ok, just thinking of all the money I owe people I want to vomit!
Today is going to be shittacular. I hope they let me off at 6pm. I need some alone time to ponder my finances, and if I killed myself would my parents be responsible?
I’m all hopped up on caffeine right now. I don’t know why I needed a case of Rockstar, oof. My innards are excited. I really don’t think I should drink this stuff when I’m cranky, because now I’m a pissed of mofo.
Reasons I’m cranky so far today:
Waking up late – Then not being able to wash your hair. Awesome! Oh, then having your father ask you to do like 10 things as your walking out the door. Then slipping on ice when you take the dog out! But somehow getting to work early…
Wet paper towels – If you dry your hands on them could you at least push them down far enough in the trash can so when I stick mine in there yours don’t fall out and touch me!!! Pish motherfucking gag!
Getting to work early – Getting to work like 15 min early and sitting there online so you punch in 5 min late because you were reading Perez! SHIT!
Paper cuts – OUCH! (Not as bad as almost losing a finger shaving, but fuck none the less!)
People who are touchy feely – Don’t touch/rub my shoulders. Its fucking inappropriate for work, I don’t care if you think I’m awesome for doing all your work for you. HANDS OFF ASSHOLE! I really can’t stand it. I really, really need a shower now.
Toothaches – I think I’m in denial, my tooth has hurt for like the past two weeks but I’ve been ignoring it hoping it’ll go away. Shit is not going anywhere, I hate the dentist!
Insurance bills – I know it’ll be in my room waiting for me one of these days. It makes my tummy hurt just to think about paying it!
Other bills – I always forget about the little bills I get, meaning the $50 dollar dentist or the $80 health insurance thing. Shit! I for some reason wait till they say they’re going to turn me into collections before I pay it. Is that bad?
Ok, just thinking of all the money I owe people I want to vomit!
Today is going to be shittacular. I hope they let me off at 6pm. I need some alone time to ponder my finances, and if I killed myself would my parents be responsible?
Monday, January 21, 2008
dreams and rockstar
My dreams were messed the hell up last night. I woke up more than once thinking what the fuck is wrong with me?
From what I could remember the first one was me and some friends up at my cabin. We were all having a good time, but someone left the propane tank on and it was leaking fumes. Then someone lit a cigarette and boom. I woke up after that thinking heh?
I fell back asleep fairly quickly and dreamt that I was on one of those dating shows. I had to pick between two guys that I couldn’t see; the first was totally hot and we had tons of chemistry, but he was dumber than a box of hammers. The second one was smart, funny, witty and totally got me, unfortunately he was balding, had a potbelly and his teeth were janky. It was bizarre. I woke thinking what the hell was that all about?
Then I fell asleep again, and this time I was camping with a guy and there were bears. He was terrified and made me go out and chase them away. Thanks dream dick. I woke up feeling unsettled.
All and all it was a weird night. I don’t really like dreams unless they are really, really good. But I must have been all the crap I ate before I went to bed. Indigestion is all I can blame for my messed up REM cycle.
So today I almost died. Yes, that is a tad bit dramatic but I was scared. Some like to make fun of my mental instability and thinking that I’m going to die all the time, but it’s not funny! Some dickhead in front of me slammed his brakes on in the fast lane going around a curve. I fishtailed going like 70 mph on the freeway, the cars around me were trying to get out of my way, thought I was going to take out an Impala. TRAUMATIC! Everything slowed down and I could actually hear my breathing and my heartbeat. Ugh. My blood pressure is rising just thinking of the things that I want to do to that piece of shit person in the Geo Metro. ASSHAT!
Ok, happy thoughts. Deep breathing…fuck that. ASSHAT!
So today is slow as shit at work. I really don’t have anything going on. Nothing to look forward to this weekend, no movies or plans, nothing! So really I have to find something so I don’t kill someone. Or myself, either way.
I think I’m going to go and reheat some pizza. That’ll make me feel better. I’m starving and all I’ve had is an energy drink. My hands are typing like a mile a min. Jesus, lay off the sauce.
From what I could remember the first one was me and some friends up at my cabin. We were all having a good time, but someone left the propane tank on and it was leaking fumes. Then someone lit a cigarette and boom. I woke up after that thinking heh?
I fell back asleep fairly quickly and dreamt that I was on one of those dating shows. I had to pick between two guys that I couldn’t see; the first was totally hot and we had tons of chemistry, but he was dumber than a box of hammers. The second one was smart, funny, witty and totally got me, unfortunately he was balding, had a potbelly and his teeth were janky. It was bizarre. I woke thinking what the hell was that all about?
Then I fell asleep again, and this time I was camping with a guy and there were bears. He was terrified and made me go out and chase them away. Thanks dream dick. I woke up feeling unsettled.
All and all it was a weird night. I don’t really like dreams unless they are really, really good. But I must have been all the crap I ate before I went to bed. Indigestion is all I can blame for my messed up REM cycle.
So today I almost died. Yes, that is a tad bit dramatic but I was scared. Some like to make fun of my mental instability and thinking that I’m going to die all the time, but it’s not funny! Some dickhead in front of me slammed his brakes on in the fast lane going around a curve. I fishtailed going like 70 mph on the freeway, the cars around me were trying to get out of my way, thought I was going to take out an Impala. TRAUMATIC! Everything slowed down and I could actually hear my breathing and my heartbeat. Ugh. My blood pressure is rising just thinking of the things that I want to do to that piece of shit person in the Geo Metro. ASSHAT!
Ok, happy thoughts. Deep breathing…fuck that. ASSHAT!
So today is slow as shit at work. I really don’t have anything going on. Nothing to look forward to this weekend, no movies or plans, nothing! So really I have to find something so I don’t kill someone. Or myself, either way.
I think I’m going to go and reheat some pizza. That’ll make me feel better. I’m starving and all I’ve had is an energy drink. My hands are typing like a mile a min. Jesus, lay off the sauce.
Friday, January 18, 2008
headaches and drunk dialers
So a memo went out this morning saying that business is slow. Really? Thank you captain obvious! And could we please cut our hours? Great! I can barely afford to live but let’s take 8 to 16 hours out of your weekly paychecks. Until the end of Febuary... Sweet chariot! I’m pissed. I knew it would come to this, it does every year but it still is going to suck every two weeks. But, I guess I would rather cut some hours than lose my job. I think its time to stop being lazy and type up the old resume and really start actively looking for a new job. I’m just so lazy!
Do you ever sneeze so hard that your teeth ache and you get a headache? Is that weird? I’m physically damaged goods. Ugh!
Last night I got a call from the guy I’m seeing, of course it was at 3:43 am when he was plastered beyond the point of knowing his last name. What about me screams please drunk dial this girl? She doesn’t need sleep. She doesn’t need to go in early to work in the morning. Pissed off pup is what I was! We were supposed to ‘watch movies’ last night but he got a call from his friend Nel who wanted to hang out. So I got ditched. I was bitter. But that’s fine, we have no commitments to each other, so technically I don’t have a right to be mad. But that doesn’t stop me!
Even after typing this I feel better. It’s so much better than keeping this all in my head. There’s too much going on in there anyway. I need a Pensive. Or electro shock therapy, either one is fine.
I’m excited for 27 Dresses. Ed Burns one of my childhood crushes is in it. So is James Marsden who looks hot and I love Kathrine Heigl. She’s adorable. I also love the song Hey Katie by her new husband Josh Kelley. I downloaded his new album last night. He wrote that song about her, it talks about her being the leading actress in his life. Too fucking adorable! It’s really good. I love broody singer/songwriters. And he’s from Georgia so he’s got a twang-y quality.
That’s really all I have today. I hope I get off early so I can put on my PJ’s and veg out on the couch. I really have no ambition today and shouldn’t be here today.
Do you ever sneeze so hard that your teeth ache and you get a headache? Is that weird? I’m physically damaged goods. Ugh!
Last night I got a call from the guy I’m seeing, of course it was at 3:43 am when he was plastered beyond the point of knowing his last name. What about me screams please drunk dial this girl? She doesn’t need sleep. She doesn’t need to go in early to work in the morning. Pissed off pup is what I was! We were supposed to ‘watch movies’ last night but he got a call from his friend Nel who wanted to hang out. So I got ditched. I was bitter. But that’s fine, we have no commitments to each other, so technically I don’t have a right to be mad. But that doesn’t stop me!
Even after typing this I feel better. It’s so much better than keeping this all in my head. There’s too much going on in there anyway. I need a Pensive. Or electro shock therapy, either one is fine.
I’m excited for 27 Dresses. Ed Burns one of my childhood crushes is in it. So is James Marsden who looks hot and I love Kathrine Heigl. She’s adorable. I also love the song Hey Katie by her new husband Josh Kelley. I downloaded his new album last night. He wrote that song about her, it talks about her being the leading actress in his life. Too fucking adorable! It’s really good. I love broody singer/songwriters. And he’s from Georgia so he’s got a twang-y quality.
That’s really all I have today. I hope I get off early so I can put on my PJ’s and veg out on the couch. I really have no ambition today and shouldn’t be here today.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
wierd habits pt. 1
Why do I love to say "Boom goes the dynamite!" when something blows up on tv?
Why do I like to sing "Ricola! Ricola! Ricola!" to my Dad when he's in the kitchen?
Why do I like to go "Ka Kaw, ka kaw, ka kaw!" when I need to find someone?
I am bizarre.
Why do I like to sing "Ricola! Ricola! Ricola!" to my Dad when he's in the kitchen?
Why do I like to go "Ka Kaw, ka kaw, ka kaw!" when I need to find someone?
I am bizarre.
Tour of Love 07'
Well, I’m stuck up in the reception area all day today. Awesome! I can barely contain my excitement. This is like a dream come true. Hopefully you’re not mentally challenged and can here the sarcasm just dripping from this. If you are then hopefully that just cleared things up for you. I’m in a shittacular mood today. I feel like the wrong end of a dog and I really don’t think that I can ever call myself a drinker again. I’m not hungover thank god, but my body is rejecting alcohol. I think my days of fun are over. I’m getting too old for this shit. Ugh! Oh well, I’ll still do it anyway.
So for a while now I’ve wanted to do a little tribute to San Francisco and our Tour of Love. It really was everything I expected and more. Satan and I really did it up right. We did everything we wanted to do and pretty much everything you can do there. Except Coight Tower and the Golden Gate Bridge… We saw the bridge twice from the bay on our way to Saulsilito and Alcatraz, and took a picture of Coight Tower from a far.
So essentially we did the Castro District, the Fisherman's Wharf, Chinatown, Alcatraz, a Giants game, Union Square, Cable Cars, Street Cars, Haight/Ashbury Street, Stardust, Saulsalito Island, The Sourdough Bread Comp, Ripley’s Wax Museum, Scoma’s, Ferry Rides, Harvey's, Club 6, Ruby Sky and tons of shopping!
We made a small book of memories and took tons of pictures. I’ve wanted to elaborate on the memories we wrote down so here they are:
My favorite color is purple. So is marijuana. – We were walking back from a long day of sightseeing and there was a street performer near our hotel. I was wearing a maroon, not purple, shirt and he had a microphone. Just those lines make me crack up. Yes, I was singled out by the man who was sitting on the ground with a sign saying will work for marijuana. Seriously funny!
I have a degree! – One night when we were trying to go out and have a good time we went to this bar that was suggested in a tour book (tour books are bullshit!) Anyway, while trying to make it past that place and back to the safety of our hotel we passed a man. Not sure if he was drunk or what but he said that said he was almost done with his degree and that he could take care of me. Um I think it was a marriage proposal. Sweet!
Matt and his burger, you know Matt! – On that very same night we were accosted by some very drunk boys. They thought they were suave and sexy. In reality they were both about 98 lbs. soaking wet. They also claimed to be firemen. Yeah, right. The one who would not shut up kept asking us where we were going etc. and singing his friend Matt’s praises. Matt had a huge burger and kept putting it near us. I wanted to kill both of them. But thankfully, we made it back to our hotel without me taking that burger and shoving it were the sun don’t shine!
Ferry bird boy – One of the all time most hilarious things I have ever seen in my life! I don’t even know how to describe it really. We took the ferry to Saulsilito for the day and on our way back home there was this kid on the top deck. He was fucking around and being annoying. Bird were everywhere. Oh god I’m cracking up even trying to relate this, OOF! So one sort of looked like it was going to land on him, he recoiled and made the most hilarious scared/disgusted look ever! You just had to be there. Thought I was going to die from laughing.
Harvey’s = Gay, Literally – We went to the Castro District to soak up the atmosphere. Harvey’s is a very famous gay bar there. Well they recently remodeled it. So it wasn’t like the book said at all. Oh and we drank Fat Tire Beer. Hands down the most disgusting beer ever, shit tastes of metallic and gag. Not awesome.
Pounding beers in the hotel room – After Harvey’s we caught the streetcars back to our hotel and went and got some bud lights, pounded them in our room and giggled a lot. Why was that so much fun?
Club 6 = Ghetto! – We could have died. That was scary. No thank you! We took one look at it and kept walking past it. It was in the shitty part of downtown, seedy as hell. Dark and the front of the building was filled with big black men. Yeah, two white girls from MN. Not going to happen.
Sean, adorable – Sean worked at the front desk. He was adorable. But I really don’t think there was much going on upstairs. He’s the one who sent us to Club 6 because of the good reviews. Yeah, he was nice but so dumb!
David – DICKHEAD! Ok, maybe Satan and I have a problem with anyone named that, but he really was an ass. Arrogant and rude. Hi! You work in a service industry, were you unaware for some reason?
Mr. Joe – Our concierge. He was awesome. Always said nice things, he was probably looking for a tip. But we loved him anyway!
Satan’s Theory – Laying down causes phleghm and that leads to snorting when laughing. Yeah, sure. Just admit I’m fucking hilarious and I make you snort. Or whatever helps you sleep at night.
Australian Rules – At the Giants baseball game we sat in front of an Australian man and a little boy. The rules he of baseball that he was trying to explain made no sense. But to each there own. And he took that awesome pic of us. So he’s forgiven.
No Brakes! – On our first cable car ride the Asian conductor was trying to be hilarious saying things like “Oh, big hill! Brakes no work, lets see how fast we go!” Funny, yet my butthole still puckered a little.
Pretty Toes – This homeless man commented on Satan’s pretty toes. He immediately followed that up with a request for a dollar. So was his remark genuine? Satan's toes are pretty. I don't have a foot fetish, I swear. Too funny.
On the other side of the law – On our way to the Fisherman’s Wharf we stopped at a no cross sign. There were three guys behind us, one got cocky and was like “Why are we waiting? This is bullshit! I live on the other side of the law!” and crossed. Satan got pissed and called him an ass. It was so funny. They all walked away from us kinda fast. Were they scared of us? I think so, Satan is kinda scary when provoked.
The Line – When we were waiting for the godforsaken cable car in this huge line there was this family standing off to the side. Not really in line but kept moving with it. We were there first, so me being the bitch that I am said “I don’t know where those people think the line is but it’s over here!” Of course they heard me, and they didn’t really speak English but they could understand me. They were really apologetic and I felt like the biggest asshole ever!
Fernando Dream – Don’t know if it was the air there but we dreamt a lot. One of Satan’s dreams was that she was swept off her feet by a man named Fernando who made her a scrapbook of love!
Old Man Dream – I dreamt that I was forced to marry this old man and the younger one that I really loved saved me but we had to live in secret in these little cottages. Satan and McBastard were in it too.
Zach Effron – Oh my god. He is so yummy! We obsessed over him the whole time. Drooled and lusted more like.
Drag Queens – The one we actually saw was fierce. So were all the gay men now that I think about it.
Jesus Christ Loves You – This man was standing at a protest near our cable car stop. With a bright neon yellow sign that said that, not talking to people. He also appeared at our Giants game. So apparently he loves us and will travel. Weirdo.
The Orange Protesters – There was an anti George W. Bush protest at our cable car stop and they were all dressed in orange. They even had George in a mini cell, it was weird. The people working it were very intense. At one point they asked us if we were citizens and cared about what was happening to our country. Being the snarky bitches that we are we replied “Were from Canada.” I think we even through in an eh! Too funny!
Street People – One was singing “Great big woman and an itty bitty bottle of wine…You can have my woman but keep your hands off my wine!” Hilarious!
Boils – I had blisters like you would not believe. It was awful, I also couldn’t shut up about them. But, fucking eh! They hurt!
Gaping Wounds – No explanation, but oof the indignance and rage over a pimple was funny! But, I wouldn't have laughed at her when she almost cried. I had to excuse myself to laugh. She had some rage going. Blackout almost!
Children and Planes – Fucking toddlers kicking airplane chairs! Bastards deserve to be taken out. We even said something loud enough to be heard and nothing. Rude!
Mole Man – On the ride over there was a man in the 3rd seat of our row. He had a huge mole on his cheek, complete with a curly hair growing out of it. GAG!
Ride of Death – The Blue Shuttle airport service was a thing of terror! I got to ride in the front of that thing on the way to our hotel. I closed my eyes 90 percent of the time and text Satan. I was getting car sick! He scared the shit out of me!!! Bobbing and weaving. Almost hitting a whole bunch of people, playing crazy African music, talking on his cell phone! Never fucking again, when I see those things out on the road I panic!
Fuzzy socks and Crocs – I don’t care if your 10, they look like shit.
Jewish People/The ones who sat/3rd Tit Lady - On the ride back from our Giants game we were on the train and there were no seats left, so some guy fucking popped a squat on the floor. That shit was disturbing. Why would you get on a train that was full with no seating if you knew you had to sit? Did you think I was going to give up my seat, hello I had boils on my feet! We sat next to some very annoying Jewish people. Do I really care how much money you have or what kind of car you drive? No, so shut the fuck up! The third tit lady I did not personally see but I was told it was a thing of shittacular beauty. I don't have any words!
Fuck Cable Cars - Seriously! Slow, antiquated, tourist traps, over crowded, outdated, uncomfortable. I could go on an on. Let's just say we're over them!
Stardust - On our last night we were so tired and sick of tired of eating out that we decided to go to a movie instead. It was awesome. I now own it. Robert De Niro as a gay pirate? Classic!
Pish - Our word. We overused it there I think.
Homeless people - They were everywhere. Like all over the place. Don't fuck with them. I did and it was awful. We were at the Jack-in-the-Box and this homeless lady walked in. She was staring at me so I stared right back. I think she actually had a lot of mental issues because soon after her pants fell off. When we got up to leave she asked for our fries because she was starving. Glad I don't have to deal with that on a daily basis. I have rage, what if I killed a bum? To reiterate Satan - I'm to pretty for jail!
John Mayer - That ad campaign for The Gap was everywhere. It felt like he was stalking us through the city!
Fug Kid - On the ferry back from Alcatraz (Which was fucking awesome by the way, if you have the chance I would suggest going!) there was this family. They had the ugliest duckling kid ever. Curly haired, cross eyed. Now I know I am no one to judge but got that kid was fug. And annoying. Sit down and mind your parents hooker!
Pop Lock & Drop It - Probably the most annoying song ever. Especially if you get it stuck in your head and don't know the words. I remember many occasion laying in bed and saying "Toot that thang up Mami!" "Pop lock and drop it, pop lock and drop it, pop lock and drop it!" and that's all I knew. Satan wanted to kill me, hee.
I do remember vividly waiting for Satan's dad to come and get us from the airport and me swaying/dancing and singing that. I'm pretty sure her reaction was I can't believe we didn't kill each other and still like each other. So true.
But were just made for each other. Like pancakes and syrup. Like red bull and vodka. Like drunk girls and cigarettes. We just mix well with each other!
Thus concludes all of our awesome Tour of Love 2007. It's a trip I'll never forget, but if I do here is a record or events.
So for a while now I’ve wanted to do a little tribute to San Francisco and our Tour of Love. It really was everything I expected and more. Satan and I really did it up right. We did everything we wanted to do and pretty much everything you can do there. Except Coight Tower and the Golden Gate Bridge… We saw the bridge twice from the bay on our way to Saulsilito and Alcatraz, and took a picture of Coight Tower from a far.
So essentially we did the Castro District, the Fisherman's Wharf, Chinatown, Alcatraz, a Giants game, Union Square, Cable Cars, Street Cars, Haight/Ashbury Street, Stardust, Saulsalito Island, The Sourdough Bread Comp, Ripley’s Wax Museum, Scoma’s, Ferry Rides, Harvey's, Club 6, Ruby Sky and tons of shopping!
We made a small book of memories and took tons of pictures. I’ve wanted to elaborate on the memories we wrote down so here they are:
My favorite color is purple. So is marijuana. – We were walking back from a long day of sightseeing and there was a street performer near our hotel. I was wearing a maroon, not purple, shirt and he had a microphone. Just those lines make me crack up. Yes, I was singled out by the man who was sitting on the ground with a sign saying will work for marijuana. Seriously funny!
I have a degree! – One night when we were trying to go out and have a good time we went to this bar that was suggested in a tour book (tour books are bullshit!) Anyway, while trying to make it past that place and back to the safety of our hotel we passed a man. Not sure if he was drunk or what but he said that said he was almost done with his degree and that he could take care of me. Um I think it was a marriage proposal. Sweet!
Matt and his burger, you know Matt! – On that very same night we were accosted by some very drunk boys. They thought they were suave and sexy. In reality they were both about 98 lbs. soaking wet. They also claimed to be firemen. Yeah, right. The one who would not shut up kept asking us where we were going etc. and singing his friend Matt’s praises. Matt had a huge burger and kept putting it near us. I wanted to kill both of them. But thankfully, we made it back to our hotel without me taking that burger and shoving it were the sun don’t shine!
Ferry bird boy – One of the all time most hilarious things I have ever seen in my life! I don’t even know how to describe it really. We took the ferry to Saulsilito for the day and on our way back home there was this kid on the top deck. He was fucking around and being annoying. Bird were everywhere. Oh god I’m cracking up even trying to relate this, OOF! So one sort of looked like it was going to land on him, he recoiled and made the most hilarious scared/disgusted look ever! You just had to be there. Thought I was going to die from laughing.
Harvey’s = Gay, Literally – We went to the Castro District to soak up the atmosphere. Harvey’s is a very famous gay bar there. Well they recently remodeled it. So it wasn’t like the book said at all. Oh and we drank Fat Tire Beer. Hands down the most disgusting beer ever, shit tastes of metallic and gag. Not awesome.
Pounding beers in the hotel room – After Harvey’s we caught the streetcars back to our hotel and went and got some bud lights, pounded them in our room and giggled a lot. Why was that so much fun?
Club 6 = Ghetto! – We could have died. That was scary. No thank you! We took one look at it and kept walking past it. It was in the shitty part of downtown, seedy as hell. Dark and the front of the building was filled with big black men. Yeah, two white girls from MN. Not going to happen.
Sean, adorable – Sean worked at the front desk. He was adorable. But I really don’t think there was much going on upstairs. He’s the one who sent us to Club 6 because of the good reviews. Yeah, he was nice but so dumb!
David – DICKHEAD! Ok, maybe Satan and I have a problem with anyone named that, but he really was an ass. Arrogant and rude. Hi! You work in a service industry, were you unaware for some reason?
Mr. Joe – Our concierge. He was awesome. Always said nice things, he was probably looking for a tip. But we loved him anyway!
Satan’s Theory – Laying down causes phleghm and that leads to snorting when laughing. Yeah, sure. Just admit I’m fucking hilarious and I make you snort. Or whatever helps you sleep at night.
Australian Rules – At the Giants baseball game we sat in front of an Australian man and a little boy. The rules he of baseball that he was trying to explain made no sense. But to each there own. And he took that awesome pic of us. So he’s forgiven.
No Brakes! – On our first cable car ride the Asian conductor was trying to be hilarious saying things like “Oh, big hill! Brakes no work, lets see how fast we go!” Funny, yet my butthole still puckered a little.
Pretty Toes – This homeless man commented on Satan’s pretty toes. He immediately followed that up with a request for a dollar. So was his remark genuine? Satan's toes are pretty. I don't have a foot fetish, I swear. Too funny.
On the other side of the law – On our way to the Fisherman’s Wharf we stopped at a no cross sign. There were three guys behind us, one got cocky and was like “Why are we waiting? This is bullshit! I live on the other side of the law!” and crossed. Satan got pissed and called him an ass. It was so funny. They all walked away from us kinda fast. Were they scared of us? I think so, Satan is kinda scary when provoked.
The Line – When we were waiting for the godforsaken cable car in this huge line there was this family standing off to the side. Not really in line but kept moving with it. We were there first, so me being the bitch that I am said “I don’t know where those people think the line is but it’s over here!” Of course they heard me, and they didn’t really speak English but they could understand me. They were really apologetic and I felt like the biggest asshole ever!
Fernando Dream – Don’t know if it was the air there but we dreamt a lot. One of Satan’s dreams was that she was swept off her feet by a man named Fernando who made her a scrapbook of love!
Old Man Dream – I dreamt that I was forced to marry this old man and the younger one that I really loved saved me but we had to live in secret in these little cottages. Satan and McBastard were in it too.
Zach Effron – Oh my god. He is so yummy! We obsessed over him the whole time. Drooled and lusted more like.
Drag Queens – The one we actually saw was fierce. So were all the gay men now that I think about it.
Jesus Christ Loves You – This man was standing at a protest near our cable car stop. With a bright neon yellow sign that said that, not talking to people. He also appeared at our Giants game. So apparently he loves us and will travel. Weirdo.
The Orange Protesters – There was an anti George W. Bush protest at our cable car stop and they were all dressed in orange. They even had George in a mini cell, it was weird. The people working it were very intense. At one point they asked us if we were citizens and cared about what was happening to our country. Being the snarky bitches that we are we replied “Were from Canada.” I think we even through in an eh! Too funny!
Street People – One was singing “Great big woman and an itty bitty bottle of wine…You can have my woman but keep your hands off my wine!” Hilarious!
Boils – I had blisters like you would not believe. It was awful, I also couldn’t shut up about them. But, fucking eh! They hurt!
Gaping Wounds – No explanation, but oof the indignance and rage over a pimple was funny! But, I wouldn't have laughed at her when she almost cried. I had to excuse myself to laugh. She had some rage going. Blackout almost!
Children and Planes – Fucking toddlers kicking airplane chairs! Bastards deserve to be taken out. We even said something loud enough to be heard and nothing. Rude!
Mole Man – On the ride over there was a man in the 3rd seat of our row. He had a huge mole on his cheek, complete with a curly hair growing out of it. GAG!
Ride of Death – The Blue Shuttle airport service was a thing of terror! I got to ride in the front of that thing on the way to our hotel. I closed my eyes 90 percent of the time and text Satan. I was getting car sick! He scared the shit out of me!!! Bobbing and weaving. Almost hitting a whole bunch of people, playing crazy African music, talking on his cell phone! Never fucking again, when I see those things out on the road I panic!
Fuzzy socks and Crocs – I don’t care if your 10, they look like shit.
Jewish People/The ones who sat/3rd Tit Lady - On the ride back from our Giants game we were on the train and there were no seats left, so some guy fucking popped a squat on the floor. That shit was disturbing. Why would you get on a train that was full with no seating if you knew you had to sit? Did you think I was going to give up my seat, hello I had boils on my feet! We sat next to some very annoying Jewish people. Do I really care how much money you have or what kind of car you drive? No, so shut the fuck up! The third tit lady I did not personally see but I was told it was a thing of shittacular beauty. I don't have any words!
Fuck Cable Cars - Seriously! Slow, antiquated, tourist traps, over crowded, outdated, uncomfortable. I could go on an on. Let's just say we're over them!
Stardust - On our last night we were so tired and sick of tired of eating out that we decided to go to a movie instead. It was awesome. I now own it. Robert De Niro as a gay pirate? Classic!
Pish - Our word. We overused it there I think.
Homeless people - They were everywhere. Like all over the place. Don't fuck with them. I did and it was awful. We were at the Jack-in-the-Box and this homeless lady walked in. She was staring at me so I stared right back. I think she actually had a lot of mental issues because soon after her pants fell off. When we got up to leave she asked for our fries because she was starving. Glad I don't have to deal with that on a daily basis. I have rage, what if I killed a bum? To reiterate Satan - I'm to pretty for jail!
John Mayer - That ad campaign for The Gap was everywhere. It felt like he was stalking us through the city!
Fug Kid - On the ferry back from Alcatraz (Which was fucking awesome by the way, if you have the chance I would suggest going!) there was this family. They had the ugliest duckling kid ever. Curly haired, cross eyed. Now I know I am no one to judge but got that kid was fug. And annoying. Sit down and mind your parents hooker!
Pop Lock & Drop It - Probably the most annoying song ever. Especially if you get it stuck in your head and don't know the words. I remember many occasion laying in bed and saying "Toot that thang up Mami!" "Pop lock and drop it, pop lock and drop it, pop lock and drop it!" and that's all I knew. Satan wanted to kill me, hee.
I do remember vividly waiting for Satan's dad to come and get us from the airport and me swaying/dancing and singing that. I'm pretty sure her reaction was I can't believe we didn't kill each other and still like each other. So true.
But were just made for each other. Like pancakes and syrup. Like red bull and vodka. Like drunk girls and cigarettes. We just mix well with each other!
Thus concludes all of our awesome Tour of Love 2007. It's a trip I'll never forget, but if I do here is a record or events.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
keeping score and texting
Things that probably aren’t a good idea:
Full length leather trench coats (On a man or a woman.)
Parallel parking a 16 foot truck into a 14 foot spot (You can imagine it didn’t go so well.)
Carrying a thermos of coffee, an ipod, a cell phone, purse, keys and a large heavy trash
bag on my slippery driveway (God is never on my side.)
Advertising a room for rent on myspace (Can we say “Murdered in your sleep!”?)
Things that have made me happy today:
Knowing that I made a coworker cry and throw a tantrum for like an hour, and I wasn’t even in for the day yet! Score - Me: 1 Everyone Else: 0
Not falling on my ass or scalding myself with my stupid trek this morning! Me: 2 Everyone Else: -1 (Ha, bitches!)
Having clean underwear, when I haven’t done laundry in over a week! Me: 3 Mom: 0 (I’m going to do something nice for her… Eventually!)
A ham and turkey sangwich with honey dijon mustard! Me: 4 Everyone Else: -2 (When your judging, your not loving!)
So all in all it’s been an ok day. Now that I’ve said this of course it’s on like donkey kong! I’ll probably get shit on for the rest of the day. But, that’s a chance I’m willing to take. Unless it’s choking on this sangwich, that’d prolly piss me of unrelentingly! Oof. That pissed me off imagining it. Fucking sangwich!
The coworker thing was ridiculous today! I got in at 11:20 and by 11:22 the story was related to me. Gossip much people? It wasn’t even my fault. Nor was it A BIG FUCKING DEAL. But if you love fucking attention and threw a fit because of it, more power to you. All I did was scan about 70 pages of work info to another coworker, following her instructions word for word. But I guess the scanner doesn’t do that many pages. No one told me. And I even gave them to her. So she had the hard copies. It makes no sense. She could have just rescanned them herself. But no, she freaked the fuck out. And she’s not talking to me. Ok psycho. Take your medication. Hooker!
But the VBP in me was pissed I didn’t get to see the meltdown. I could have contributed! Saying things like “oh no, you told me that I should do them all at once and now I’ve shredded all of that paperwork! How could you!” That would have been awesome!
So if I can still get the cheaper tickets I think I'm going to go to Seattle in May. Six days of shopping, eating and sight seeing. There's only one catch. Satan is unavailable for travel. I’m really, really, really, really, really sad that Satan can't go with me to Seattle. Like it makes me want to cry. Maybe we'll win the lotto. Or maybe we can rob a bank. Either way. Either way is fine.
I was going through my phone and found a conversation me and Satan had last night, we are really special individuals. And when I say special I mean window lickers. Heres a sample:
Satan: I'm at the gym. I'll call you when I'm done.
EL Diablo: Sweet Chariot!
Satan: What? Lol
EL Diablo: LOL nothing, but Scooterville is having a sale!
Satan: You're special.
EL Diablo: Thanks moonpie!
Satan: You're welcome sugartits!
EL Diablo: LMAO. PUMP IT, PUMP IT!
Satan: Ha Ha Ha! I said that the other day!
EL Diablo: Tis a goodun!
Satan: Fo Sho
EL Diablo: Either way! She looks like a good fucker!
Satan: LMAO I'm fucking sick of you talking about her that way!
EL Diablo: Like a man dick? You think that's a nice to say about someone? The sick thing is I do Evan!'
Satan: Take that vest off. You look like Aladdin.
EL Diablo: I think that lack of sleep made me just shriek like a banshee when a piece of gravel went in my wheel well.
Satan: OMF sick is what you are.
EL Diablo: You don't have the technology or the steady hand to pull of a procedure like that. So Peace!
Satan: You owe me 6 dollars because it busted open and I'm not going to go get it.
EL Diablo: So I have to sit alone and eat my desert like I'm fucking Steven Glandsberg?
Satan: LMAO!! You know what kinds of foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds!
EL Diablo: It was between that and Muhammed. Why the fuck would it be between that and Muhammed? Do you even know anyone named Muhammed? NO.
Fucking eh! I laughed so fucking hard when I was cleaning out my texts! We probably could have gone on and on. We are truly sick in the face. Oh god. I'm rolling now.
So that's it for today. Hopefully no one pisses me off. I'm in the mood to go to jail for some reason...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
irrational fears and pet peeves
There are many flaws to my character. I’m always changing. I’m always into new things. I have a very short attention span. I’m a procrastinator. I’m semi racist. I have anger issues. I worry constantly. I’m paranoid. The list could go on and on. But let’s take some time to discuss my attention span…
If a book or movie doesn’t capture my attention or interest within the first 30 minutes or first 6 chapters, I don’t finish it. I just don’t want to. You can’t make me. But sometimes those decisions to quit have haunted me. It’s disturbing. Sometimes I’ll be in a crisis and wonder what the hell happened to the end of that book?
For example, last summer my dad was really sick. We had to take him to the hospital. And for a few moments in the waiting room when I should have been thinking about him all I could think was what the hell happened in Drowning Ruth? Did she drown her sister? Did she fall through the ice? Why did she pretend that her daughter wasn’t hers? I have issues!
I am totally obsessive compulsive about some things. Movies for example; if I see one and love it I can watch it again and again. I will reread books over and over. But, if it doesn’t grip me I don’t give a fuck and will not finish it.
The paranoid thing is another issue I have. I constantly think people are out to get me. No, I don’t think that ninjas are going to jump me in a dark alley! I’m not that crazy yet. More that coworkers and other people are watching me and turning me in. Or judging me. It bothers me. Even if they are I don’t really care. I think I just need to do drugs, maybe it’ll mellow me out. Someone prescribe me happy pills! Please?!
I also have tons of irrational fears, here are just a few…
Drowning – I’m a good swimmer, Junior Lifeguard Plus, actually. But I still fear it. I panic when I get underwater. I feel like I’ll never see the surface again. Makes me think of Dane Cook and his joke about drowning in the abyss, fucking kid and his floaty raft!
Sharks – I would literally try to break my own neck if I was about to be eaten by a shark. When I was little I lived in Hawaii we used to swim at this little reef right by my house. There was this huge rock about 20 feet of the shore that you could jump off of. One day there was a baby shark there and I was trapped. That was the one day I had some balls and I jumped off and started swimming to shore. Fucker followed me. And I punched it. I was a BAMF. But that was a baby, big ones scare the shit out of me!
Small Spaces – Oh my fucking gawd. I am claustrophobic as shit. I don’t even want to talk about it.
Spiders – I really don’t care that in the state of Minnesota there are no spiders that can break your skin when they bite. They can bite me! They can crawl on me! They can trap me in the bathroom and reduce me to tears! I can’t stand insects. I want a bug vacuum. Oh lord, I’m getting hot and itchy just thinking about their legs scuttling on slick surfaces.
Centipedes – Holy mother of god. I was so happy about moving to Minnesota just to be rid of them. Ok, we have them here but no where near as bad as the ones in Hawaii. The ones here look kinda fuzzy and almost like creepy caterpillars with long skinny legs. That description doesn’t make me want to run and scream any less when I see them. But the ones in Hawaii, oh lord. They are about 6 to 8 inches long, dark brown and indestructible. Their bodies are like little suits of armor. You literally have to cut them in half to kill them. Shoes wont do it!
Ok new topic. I’m uncomfortable talking about this. Heebee Jeebees! I was talking to Satan and Lucifer last weekend and Lucifer was talking about how she is terrified of worms. I can handle those. But if they are on me, for sure I’ll be freaking out!
I was just thinking about SF#2. I can bet you money that I have to do her taxes this year. Shit. Thinking of that makes me feel better about not inviting her to go to Seattle with me. VBP doesn’t want to spend more than 6 hours with her. I would murder her. Seriously!
Side note – Pet peeves of mine include:
Wearing jeans and jean jackets – especially if they don’t match! Just don’t do it. Please for the love of god. Are you a cowboy? No. So mix that shit up, don’t be matchy matchy.
Pot pies – Satan can attest that they piss me off. I don’t know why they enrage me but they do. GAG. RETCH. VOMIT.
If a book or movie doesn’t capture my attention or interest within the first 30 minutes or first 6 chapters, I don’t finish it. I just don’t want to. You can’t make me. But sometimes those decisions to quit have haunted me. It’s disturbing. Sometimes I’ll be in a crisis and wonder what the hell happened to the end of that book?
For example, last summer my dad was really sick. We had to take him to the hospital. And for a few moments in the waiting room when I should have been thinking about him all I could think was what the hell happened in Drowning Ruth? Did she drown her sister? Did she fall through the ice? Why did she pretend that her daughter wasn’t hers? I have issues!
I am totally obsessive compulsive about some things. Movies for example; if I see one and love it I can watch it again and again. I will reread books over and over. But, if it doesn’t grip me I don’t give a fuck and will not finish it.
The paranoid thing is another issue I have. I constantly think people are out to get me. No, I don’t think that ninjas are going to jump me in a dark alley! I’m not that crazy yet. More that coworkers and other people are watching me and turning me in. Or judging me. It bothers me. Even if they are I don’t really care. I think I just need to do drugs, maybe it’ll mellow me out. Someone prescribe me happy pills! Please?!
I also have tons of irrational fears, here are just a few…
Drowning – I’m a good swimmer, Junior Lifeguard Plus, actually. But I still fear it. I panic when I get underwater. I feel like I’ll never see the surface again. Makes me think of Dane Cook and his joke about drowning in the abyss, fucking kid and his floaty raft!
Sharks – I would literally try to break my own neck if I was about to be eaten by a shark. When I was little I lived in Hawaii we used to swim at this little reef right by my house. There was this huge rock about 20 feet of the shore that you could jump off of. One day there was a baby shark there and I was trapped. That was the one day I had some balls and I jumped off and started swimming to shore. Fucker followed me. And I punched it. I was a BAMF. But that was a baby, big ones scare the shit out of me!
Small Spaces – Oh my fucking gawd. I am claustrophobic as shit. I don’t even want to talk about it.
Spiders – I really don’t care that in the state of Minnesota there are no spiders that can break your skin when they bite. They can bite me! They can crawl on me! They can trap me in the bathroom and reduce me to tears! I can’t stand insects. I want a bug vacuum. Oh lord, I’m getting hot and itchy just thinking about their legs scuttling on slick surfaces.
Centipedes – Holy mother of god. I was so happy about moving to Minnesota just to be rid of them. Ok, we have them here but no where near as bad as the ones in Hawaii. The ones here look kinda fuzzy and almost like creepy caterpillars with long skinny legs. That description doesn’t make me want to run and scream any less when I see them. But the ones in Hawaii, oh lord. They are about 6 to 8 inches long, dark brown and indestructible. Their bodies are like little suits of armor. You literally have to cut them in half to kill them. Shoes wont do it!
Ok new topic. I’m uncomfortable talking about this. Heebee Jeebees! I was talking to Satan and Lucifer last weekend and Lucifer was talking about how she is terrified of worms. I can handle those. But if they are on me, for sure I’ll be freaking out!
I was just thinking about SF#2. I can bet you money that I have to do her taxes this year. Shit. Thinking of that makes me feel better about not inviting her to go to Seattle with me. VBP doesn’t want to spend more than 6 hours with her. I would murder her. Seriously!
Side note – Pet peeves of mine include:
Wearing jeans and jean jackets – especially if they don’t match! Just don’t do it. Please for the love of god. Are you a cowboy? No. So mix that shit up, don’t be matchy matchy.
Pot pies – Satan can attest that they piss me off. I don’t know why they enrage me but they do. GAG. RETCH. VOMIT.
Monday, January 14, 2008
nicknames, juno and awesome
I wish I had strong convictions or beliefs or something. I’m having a hard time getting excited or even indignant lately. I don’t know if it’s just the weather or if its depression, but lately I just don’t give a fuck. About anything or anyone, I really don’t care to interact with people. The smallest tasks seem daunting. I’m exhausted all the time. I’m ready for this to be over, but at the same time I’m not going to do anything to change it. That would require effort. Fuck it!
It might be because I’m sick or I just miss having someone, but last night I went to hang out with the guy that I’m seeing. Normally twice in one weekend isn’t my style but last night I just wanted to be with someone. It was nice. I wish I wasn’t so freaked out by commitment. It could be nice. We watched X-Men and just relaxed. I had fun and there was no hanky panky! Weird.
Not very VBP-ish, but I couldn’t break someone’s streak last week even if I tried!
Also I almost died laughing when he got indignant about the covers being all fucked up. He said “this plans been fucked since Jumpstreet!” Made me get up and fixed them. I said something about catching glimpses of warlocks and then had to sit on the floor from laughing and exhaustion! Too fucking funny!
I’ve got about three and a half hours left here and it’s starting to drag. Tonight when I get home it’s PJ’s time and into bed for The Office. Nothing strenuous because I STILL SOUND LIKE SHITFIREND#1 WALKING UP 3 STEPS! Ugh. Being sick can stop. I love the sexy voice but the heavy breathing and other shit can go.
Gag. I repulse me. Oh, and I’m taking notes on the one liners.
So I just decided that to protect the innocent - I’m going to give nicknames to all of the people in my life, here’s the breakdown:
SHITFRIEND#1 or SF#1 aka tRex – A certain girl I’ve outed in another blog, a disgusting girl who is wider than tall. She just generally annoys the shit out of me and lies constantly. What’s funny about the lying is I think she knows that I know and she still does it. She also makes up the most bullshit excuses to not hang out. And, I think she scared of me. Oh and she has an odor problem, everywhere. Might have to do with her tRex arms OR her aversion to soap. Buy and extendable loofah!
SHITFRIEND#2 or SF#2 aka Slowpoke – I say slow because I’m pretty sure she has the IQ of about 90 and I pretty much run her life. I mean I make all major decisions and even the minor ones too. It’s sad. We used to be best friends but it’s been a long time since she’s even acted like that. I just don’t know her anymore. Oh and she’s a selfish bitch. Get over it? Fuck you hooker!
Satan – A VBP to the core. A founding member and the President! One of the best people I know. There are so many great things to say about her, but I don’t want to inflate her head!
EL Diablo – Moi!
Side note, I HATE RAISINS! Gag! Retch! Vomit! Don’t put that shit in ChexMix. Rude.
Saw Juno this weekend. It was really good. I think I missed most of the funny zinger parts because of my cold medicine head, but other than that it was funny. I wish my parents would have taken it that well. And Michael Cera is dorky and adorable as usual. The stepmom Bren was indignant and I liked it!
Satan just called and got all freaked out when it answered before even ringing. I have my secrets. People freak out all the time when I do that. He he he. She also mentioned something about a suit of armor, latex gloves and a mask before getting close to someone junk. Good call.
“That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet.” - Rainn Wilson
It might be because I’m sick or I just miss having someone, but last night I went to hang out with the guy that I’m seeing. Normally twice in one weekend isn’t my style but last night I just wanted to be with someone. It was nice. I wish I wasn’t so freaked out by commitment. It could be nice. We watched X-Men and just relaxed. I had fun and there was no hanky panky! Weird.
Not very VBP-ish, but I couldn’t break someone’s streak last week even if I tried!
Also I almost died laughing when he got indignant about the covers being all fucked up. He said “this plans been fucked since Jumpstreet!” Made me get up and fixed them. I said something about catching glimpses of warlocks and then had to sit on the floor from laughing and exhaustion! Too fucking funny!
I’ve got about three and a half hours left here and it’s starting to drag. Tonight when I get home it’s PJ’s time and into bed for The Office. Nothing strenuous because I STILL SOUND LIKE SHITFIREND#1 WALKING UP 3 STEPS! Ugh. Being sick can stop. I love the sexy voice but the heavy breathing and other shit can go.
Gag. I repulse me. Oh, and I’m taking notes on the one liners.
So I just decided that to protect the innocent - I’m going to give nicknames to all of the people in my life, here’s the breakdown:
SHITFRIEND#1 or SF#1 aka tRex – A certain girl I’ve outed in another blog, a disgusting girl who is wider than tall. She just generally annoys the shit out of me and lies constantly. What’s funny about the lying is I think she knows that I know and she still does it. She also makes up the most bullshit excuses to not hang out. And, I think she scared of me. Oh and she has an odor problem, everywhere. Might have to do with her tRex arms OR her aversion to soap. Buy and extendable loofah!
SHITFRIEND#2 or SF#2 aka Slowpoke – I say slow because I’m pretty sure she has the IQ of about 90 and I pretty much run her life. I mean I make all major decisions and even the minor ones too. It’s sad. We used to be best friends but it’s been a long time since she’s even acted like that. I just don’t know her anymore. Oh and she’s a selfish bitch. Get over it? Fuck you hooker!
Satan – A VBP to the core. A founding member and the President! One of the best people I know. There are so many great things to say about her, but I don’t want to inflate her head!
EL Diablo – Moi!
Side note, I HATE RAISINS! Gag! Retch! Vomit! Don’t put that shit in ChexMix. Rude.
Saw Juno this weekend. It was really good. I think I missed most of the funny zinger parts because of my cold medicine head, but other than that it was funny. I wish my parents would have taken it that well. And Michael Cera is dorky and adorable as usual. The stepmom Bren was indignant and I liked it!
Satan just called and got all freaked out when it answered before even ringing. I have my secrets. People freak out all the time when I do that. He he he. She also mentioned something about a suit of armor, latex gloves and a mask before getting close to someone junk. Good call.
“That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet.” - Rainn Wilson
Saturday, January 12, 2008
sick sex
Oh how I love sexy Spartans! Talked a certain boy I'm seeing into ordering 300 on demand. Yes, I own it. I probably could have brought mine with, but its too late now and soooo far away.
SEXY, SEXY, SEXY MEN!
When they walk down that hill all chiseled and sexy, I want to have some me time.
VBP is posting this from someones apartment. Going to leave in a few but just thought I should mention what I did today.
1. Started smoking again
2. Broke my rule of no sick sex
3. Drank 2 Rockstars and now I'm hyper as shit
4. Guilted my parents into using the Mercedes (sweet chariot!)
That is all...
SEXY, SEXY, SEXY MEN!
When they walk down that hill all chiseled and sexy, I want to have some me time.
VBP is posting this from someones apartment. Going to leave in a few but just thought I should mention what I did today.
1. Started smoking again
2. Broke my rule of no sick sex
3. Drank 2 Rockstars and now I'm hyper as shit
4. Guilted my parents into using the Mercedes (sweet chariot!)
That is all...
Friday, January 11, 2008
shit on your grave
Normally I just bitch about my coworkers but today is different. Well, until the next time someone makes me laugh different.
So I’m sitting at the reception desk “working” (see previous post) when one of the guys from the warehouse comes up to get his paycheck, he was talking on his cell phone. Then out of the blue (I swear to god this happened) he gets angry.
This is what transgressed.
Warehouse Guy: What an asshole…
Person on phone: (Hello, I’m not a mind reader – I don’t know what he said!)
Warehouse Guy: No way, he didn’t!
Person on phone: See above.
Warehouse Guy: I want to kill him and shit on his grave!
Me: - Gasping for air and laughing. -
Warehouse Guy: - Looking awkward and walking away –
That made my day! Oh and other things like trips to plan and Culvers…
So I’m sitting at the reception desk “working” (see previous post) when one of the guys from the warehouse comes up to get his paycheck, he was talking on his cell phone. Then out of the blue (I swear to god this happened) he gets angry.
This is what transgressed.
Warehouse Guy: What an asshole…
Person on phone: (Hello, I’m not a mind reader – I don’t know what he said!)
Warehouse Guy: No way, he didn’t!
Person on phone: See above.
Warehouse Guy: I want to kill him and shit on his grave!
Me: - Gasping for air and laughing. -
Warehouse Guy: - Looking awkward and walking away –
That made my day! Oh and other things like trips to plan and Culvers…
dt vbp dirty whore
I am broken mentally, physically and spiritually.
I love when Perez said that they broke his spirit. Dramz and I love it!
Today is a shit day. It’s dreary, cold and depressing out. I have nothing to bitch about because I’m sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick. This can be over already, thanks! I just want to stay under the covers and sleep. But alas, I’m at work.
Thankfully my boss isn’t here today. Now I can do what I please without interruption. Fuck you coworkers! You can bitch all you want about how we should look busy because everyone’s heads are on the chopping block. I’m going to write my post and pretend to work all day. It really is hard pretending to work, probably harder than actually working but I don’t give a fuck.
Great. I just got an email saying beware. My bosses boss will be doing walk throughs to see if were actually working. Hmmph. Rude.
Ok, off to “work”!
PS... I know someone who is a DIRTY WHORE! Congrats on the upgrade!
I love when Perez said that they broke his spirit. Dramz and I love it!
Today is a shit day. It’s dreary, cold and depressing out. I have nothing to bitch about because I’m sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick. This can be over already, thanks! I just want to stay under the covers and sleep. But alas, I’m at work.
Thankfully my boss isn’t here today. Now I can do what I please without interruption. Fuck you coworkers! You can bitch all you want about how we should look busy because everyone’s heads are on the chopping block. I’m going to write my post and pretend to work all day. It really is hard pretending to work, probably harder than actually working but I don’t give a fuck.
Great. I just got an email saying beware. My bosses boss will be doing walk throughs to see if were actually working. Hmmph. Rude.
Ok, off to “work”!
PS... I know someone who is a DIRTY WHORE! Congrats on the upgrade!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
porn stars keep 'em guessin!
Why do I have a creepy aversion to the smell of leather? It disturbs me. As I type this I’m seriously considering closing up all of the FedEx packages at my desk because they contain leather cell cases? They smell really, really, really bad! For some reason all I can think is whips and chains. Am I blocking out some sort of seedy thing that happened in my past? Was I porn star with a heart of gold when something horrible happened and I lost my memory? These are the things I like to think of when bored… Gag it’s wafting over here as I reread this.
I should be thinking about looking professional because we have some VP’s coming in today. But, that’s already scratched because I have gas on my sweater. It’s not pretty. I give up. I wasn’t really trying anyway because everything I do usually ends in heartbreak or fists thrown. I’m feisty. Or so I’ve been told.
More importantly than those things is the fact that my Dad called me dramatic last night. Oh and I also have an attitude problem. And he thinks I need to go to Anger Management Classes. Rude! The Kleenex box started it. All of that from a man who when the TV went out requested an “ice pick so I can just kill myself!” And he has the balls to call me dramatic.
I also found out this morning that a guy I’m seeing (read guy I’m fucking – not one I want a relationship with) sent me a whole bunch of creepy texts. They started happening last winter when I freaked out and stopped seeing him. They were so random. Here are a few examples:
I miss the freckle on your nose; I remember last seeing it when we played in the snow…… Considering I don’t really have freckles or play in the snow I found this odd.
I found your favorite scarf and tied it to my bed frame, I sleep with it every night… I still have my favorite scarf thank you very much. You sleep with it, that doesn’t scream stalker in anyway.
I miss your laugh; it was the only thing that would soothe my tattered soul… Tattered huh? Did you do a lot of drugs recently?
And even more random things than that! It was creepy because when I would get them I would text back and pretty much say that I didn’t know who it was. Please stop, etc. So I’m really nervous to what he will do when I call it off again. Because that’s just how I roll. Keep 'em guessin! When it gets comfortable is when I get uncomfortable. Yes, I know I have commitment issues. But with a past like mine I don’t blame me one bit. It’s not my fault I’m damaged.
I don’t really know why I’ve posted 3 times today. I just feel like I’ve been slacking lately because I’m sick. I messaged my cousin about coming to visit her in May for my birthday. She lives in Seattle and it just sounds awesome! I wanted to go to Vegas but I can’t afford to start gambling again. There was this incident involving the mob, but I really don’t want to go into it. Let’s just say they’ll never find me. I watched the Soprano’s. I know how these things work.
A side note – THE WRITERS STRIKE NEEDS TO END. I MISS GREY’S ANATOMY AND THE OFFICE. It’s starting to affect my work performance and we all know I’m one day from being fired anyway. If I make it to lunch tomorrow I’m safe for another week. Crossing fingers!
PS... The gas smell is making me high.
I should be thinking about looking professional because we have some VP’s coming in today. But, that’s already scratched because I have gas on my sweater. It’s not pretty. I give up. I wasn’t really trying anyway because everything I do usually ends in heartbreak or fists thrown. I’m feisty. Or so I’ve been told.
More importantly than those things is the fact that my Dad called me dramatic last night. Oh and I also have an attitude problem. And he thinks I need to go to Anger Management Classes. Rude! The Kleenex box started it. All of that from a man who when the TV went out requested an “ice pick so I can just kill myself!” And he has the balls to call me dramatic.
I also found out this morning that a guy I’m seeing (read guy I’m fucking – not one I want a relationship with) sent me a whole bunch of creepy texts. They started happening last winter when I freaked out and stopped seeing him. They were so random. Here are a few examples:
I miss the freckle on your nose; I remember last seeing it when we played in the snow…… Considering I don’t really have freckles or play in the snow I found this odd.
I found your favorite scarf and tied it to my bed frame, I sleep with it every night… I still have my favorite scarf thank you very much. You sleep with it, that doesn’t scream stalker in anyway.
I miss your laugh; it was the only thing that would soothe my tattered soul… Tattered huh? Did you do a lot of drugs recently?
And even more random things than that! It was creepy because when I would get them I would text back and pretty much say that I didn’t know who it was. Please stop, etc. So I’m really nervous to what he will do when I call it off again. Because that’s just how I roll. Keep 'em guessin! When it gets comfortable is when I get uncomfortable. Yes, I know I have commitment issues. But with a past like mine I don’t blame me one bit. It’s not my fault I’m damaged.
I don’t really know why I’ve posted 3 times today. I just feel like I’ve been slacking lately because I’m sick. I messaged my cousin about coming to visit her in May for my birthday. She lives in Seattle and it just sounds awesome! I wanted to go to Vegas but I can’t afford to start gambling again. There was this incident involving the mob, but I really don’t want to go into it. Let’s just say they’ll never find me. I watched the Soprano’s. I know how these things work.
A side note – THE WRITERS STRIKE NEEDS TO END. I MISS GREY’S ANATOMY AND THE OFFICE. It’s starting to affect my work performance and we all know I’m one day from being fired anyway. If I make it to lunch tomorrow I’m safe for another week. Crossing fingers!
PS... The gas smell is making me high.
gasoline makes me run
Oh did I mention I had to get gas today and got some on my jeans?
Yeah, I totally love that smell of gasoline all day.
Fucking eh.
Yeah, I totally love that smell of gasoline all day.
Fucking eh.
rusty forks
I'm having a shit day: I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm crabby.
Here are just some of the things that have enraged me today.
Intel Centrino and Pop Secret commercials - While trying to watch 'The Office' online I get inundated with these. Seriously, every five minutes! Is it necessary? Ok. I get the fact that I'm watching it for free but come the fuck on. They don't even transition properly, people will be mid-sentence and boom! I have to watch commercials from the seventies about how much more you get when you buy Orville Redenbacher. Oh and its the same one every time. At least mix it up a bit. Something! Ugh!
People who take turns slowly - Ok, I'll give you a break when safety is concerned. If it's icy out or there is just tons of snow on the ground - fine. BUT WHEN THERE IS NO SNOW OR ICE AND YOU TAKE A TURN AT FIVE MPH - I WANT TO MURDER YOU, YOUR KIDS, BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN... ETC. You get the idea. Just don't do it. I know I'm riding your ass but I need to get to work! But if you continue to do this one day I will snap and follow you home. You've been warned!
AT&T Commercials - It was funny/witty the first time I heard that one where they mush all of the names together. But now when I read them on billboards going 70 on the freeway! And try to figure out all of the places fit into one while not slamming into the guard rail. It's dangerous. Knock it off. Advert your eyes!
A certain coworker - Ok, I haven't actually talked to her yet. But I'm seriously considering a plan brought together by me and my best friend. Ok it involves a tube sock (because regular socks are too small), $200 worth of rolled quarters, tacks, rusty forks (because new ones would be expensive), and nails. I'll let your imagination be your guide.
Those are it for now but I've only been here for a half hour. Give it time, give it time.
Here are just some of the things that have enraged me today.
Intel Centrino and Pop Secret commercials - While trying to watch 'The Office' online I get inundated with these. Seriously, every five minutes! Is it necessary? Ok. I get the fact that I'm watching it for free but come the fuck on. They don't even transition properly, people will be mid-sentence and boom! I have to watch commercials from the seventies about how much more you get when you buy Orville Redenbacher. Oh and its the same one every time. At least mix it up a bit. Something! Ugh!
People who take turns slowly - Ok, I'll give you a break when safety is concerned. If it's icy out or there is just tons of snow on the ground - fine. BUT WHEN THERE IS NO SNOW OR ICE AND YOU TAKE A TURN AT FIVE MPH - I WANT TO MURDER YOU, YOUR KIDS, BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN... ETC. You get the idea. Just don't do it. I know I'm riding your ass but I need to get to work! But if you continue to do this one day I will snap and follow you home. You've been warned!
AT&T Commercials - It was funny/witty the first time I heard that one where they mush all of the names together. But now when I read them on billboards going 70 on the freeway! And try to figure out all of the places fit into one while not slamming into the guard rail. It's dangerous. Knock it off. Advert your eyes!
A certain coworker - Ok, I haven't actually talked to her yet. But I'm seriously considering a plan brought together by me and my best friend. Ok it involves a tube sock (because regular socks are too small), $200 worth of rolled quarters, tacks, rusty forks (because new ones would be expensive), and nails. I'll let your imagination be your guide.
Those are it for now but I've only been here for a half hour. Give it time, give it time.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
traffic and secret visitors
I should have stayed home sick today. Apparently there is a visitor coming in at one today. No one in upper management will tell us who it is. For some reason it’s like pulling teeth when I asked a few people. What is the big fucking secret? All I want to know is if the visitor will be asking us questions. Sometimes they do that, and I’d like to be prepared. This is so random! Everyone is walking on eggshells and we were told to watch our P’s and Q’s. I don’t get it. Are they selling the company?
They even took down the offensive things at my desk. For example: My 2 year anniversary card (because that’s so offensive), the mouse someone made for me for Christmas out of felt and a candy cane, my HP stationary, my new Pirates calendar, my mini southpark character, and all of my action figurines. Even my Chicago mug got the axe, I use it to hold highlighters. How in the hell could any of those things be offensive? I’m sorry if you have an adversion to Pirates and Chicago. Don’t look at my desk then. Douche.
I knew this was going to be the day from hell when I got in my car. Funny how little things like frost can ruin your day. I didn’t want to scrape so I just blasted the defrost. I had plenty of time. After all I left 15 minutes early to go get coffee. Innocently enough, then I decided to listen to the radio. Traffic reports, ok sweet I’ll know what’s going on. A car flipped over on 94 and 394. Shit!
Ok it’s fine, that’s 5 exits past mine so the worst that can happen is it’ll be a little blocked up by my exit right? Wrong. Oh so wrong. It was bumper to bumper at the Cretin-Vandaila exit. Sweet! By the time I made it to my exit there were about 50 cars ahead of me trying to get off to avoid the traffic. Great for them, but not so much for me. It literally took me 20 minutes to get up to the end of my exit. What the fuck?
How does one flip their car on the freeway? You have to be some kind of special to do that. Seriously! (This statement does not contain a 10th of the rage that I had today!)
And when I finally made it to my street I see these huge road closed signs. They’re painting lines on my street. HELLO? IT’S 30 DEGREES OUT. THE ROAD IS COVERED IN ICE AND SALT. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CITY THINKING???
So I said “FUCK IT!” and drove in a huge circle to get there. But first I stopped for a hamburger. Because I was hungry and cranky! And now I’m sitting here 37 minutes into my day doing deep breathing exercises. I really need a new job.
UPDATE: It was a fuel truck that flipped and dumped gas all over. So today is an actual possibility of many people perishing in flames. VBP is excited about this.
They even took down the offensive things at my desk. For example: My 2 year anniversary card (because that’s so offensive), the mouse someone made for me for Christmas out of felt and a candy cane, my HP stationary, my new Pirates calendar, my mini southpark character, and all of my action figurines. Even my Chicago mug got the axe, I use it to hold highlighters. How in the hell could any of those things be offensive? I’m sorry if you have an adversion to Pirates and Chicago. Don’t look at my desk then. Douche.
I knew this was going to be the day from hell when I got in my car. Funny how little things like frost can ruin your day. I didn’t want to scrape so I just blasted the defrost. I had plenty of time. After all I left 15 minutes early to go get coffee. Innocently enough, then I decided to listen to the radio. Traffic reports, ok sweet I’ll know what’s going on. A car flipped over on 94 and 394. Shit!
Ok it’s fine, that’s 5 exits past mine so the worst that can happen is it’ll be a little blocked up by my exit right? Wrong. Oh so wrong. It was bumper to bumper at the Cretin-Vandaila exit. Sweet! By the time I made it to my exit there were about 50 cars ahead of me trying to get off to avoid the traffic. Great for them, but not so much for me. It literally took me 20 minutes to get up to the end of my exit. What the fuck?
How does one flip their car on the freeway? You have to be some kind of special to do that. Seriously! (This statement does not contain a 10th of the rage that I had today!)
And when I finally made it to my street I see these huge road closed signs. They’re painting lines on my street. HELLO? IT’S 30 DEGREES OUT. THE ROAD IS COVERED IN ICE AND SALT. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CITY THINKING???
So I said “FUCK IT!” and drove in a huge circle to get there. But first I stopped for a hamburger. Because I was hungry and cranky! And now I’m sitting here 37 minutes into my day doing deep breathing exercises. I really need a new job.
UPDATE: It was a fuel truck that flipped and dumped gas all over. So today is an actual possibility of many people perishing in flames. VBP is excited about this.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
sick in the face
I took a sick day.
I hate taking sick days.
Especially when your actually sick.
I could have been shopping, having sex or any other number of better things.
But, I'm in bed. Eating peanuts.
A more awesome post will come, I can feel it.
Thank you for your cooperation.
I hate taking sick days.
Especially when your actually sick.
I could have been shopping, having sex or any other number of better things.
But, I'm in bed. Eating peanuts.
A more awesome post will come, I can feel it.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Monday, January 7, 2008
depression and bad haircuts
I absolutely love how when you get a horrible haircut everyone feels the need to tell you how great it looks. Fuck you! I see through your thinly veiled compliments. I really hope that you all die. It is clearly uneven and she did not thin the ends so the layers are blunt. I could go on but needless to say I hate it. I told her as much when she was done. I really don't know why I'm so nice to her. I really have gotten to the point where its obvious we are no longer best friends.
I know it sounds harsh to say that all over one bad haircut. But it's been a long time coming. I have a new best friend. One who understands my psychotic-ness and accepts it. One who loves me for me. The semi racist, angry, bitter bitch that I am. Thank god. It's really a relief. I can be my mean and ugly on the inside self with no judgement. I can hang out with someone who thinks its funny 'that people think I like to trip kids off the short bus' - rather than have to keep it all inside. After all it's not healthy to keep it in! That's when people go coo coo for coco puffs.
I really missed posting over the weekend. But every time I logged on I couldn't bring myself to post. I was just too exhausted. I just want to sleep all day. If that doesn't scream depression I don't know what does. I concur with some people when they say they need happy pills. I really really do! I'm just too tired to do anything about it.
I want to meet new people. I want to do new things. I want an adventure. If only I could get out of bed...
My week is destined to suck! The only thing I have to look forward to is 27 Dresses. It looks adorable. I planned on getting hammed this weekend. I feel that it'll help my attitude.
I know it sounds harsh to say that all over one bad haircut. But it's been a long time coming. I have a new best friend. One who understands my psychotic-ness and accepts it. One who loves me for me. The semi racist, angry, bitter bitch that I am. Thank god. It's really a relief. I can be my mean and ugly on the inside self with no judgement. I can hang out with someone who thinks its funny 'that people think I like to trip kids off the short bus' - rather than have to keep it all inside. After all it's not healthy to keep it in! That's when people go coo coo for coco puffs.
I really missed posting over the weekend. But every time I logged on I couldn't bring myself to post. I was just too exhausted. I just want to sleep all day. If that doesn't scream depression I don't know what does. I concur with some people when they say they need happy pills. I really really do! I'm just too tired to do anything about it.
I want to meet new people. I want to do new things. I want an adventure. If only I could get out of bed...
My week is destined to suck! The only thing I have to look forward to is 27 Dresses. It looks adorable. I planned on getting hammed this weekend. I feel that it'll help my attitude.
Friday, January 4, 2008
coworkers from hell
Reading through my last post I realized maybe I'm being to hard on these people... These people are normal right? I'll let you be the judge...
A girl who heats up 3 tortillas and dunks them in zesty onion ring sauce. The very same girl who likes to eat ranch straight from the bottle and microwaves salmon (like it needs to smell like a fucking fish sitting on the pavement for 3 weeks in July in our break room)... Tasty, perhaps.
An IT guy who likes to send out mass emails about who would play who in a sitcom and considers himself a comedian. It's so sad I don't want to recap all of the strange things he has said or done. Lest he somehow read this and slit his wrists immediately... I did not reply to that email, DON'T ENCOURAGE THESE PEOPLE!
An owner who spends more time checking his mail box then working. Oh and today I found out he has a tv in his office - he likes to watch the food network obsessively.... What a douche.
The director of payroll who loves cats more than life itself. She has a whole cubicle devoted to any sort of cat paraphernalia that you can imagine. She also has no children. And was creepy/over excited when I told her I didn't want them either... Was she justifying her choice through mine? Bet she regrets it. Cries about at night, he he he.
A woman who works in our commercial department who says nothing to no one, she barely makes eye contact. Just a brutal bitch whose built like a linebacker. Who always has the expression of smelling shit on her face. And shoves her huge feet into tiny sandals... Maybe that's why she's so cranky. Get bigger shoes.
A guy who works in the warehouse - whose front teeth rotted out from drinking too much mountain dew (I mean they were black and falling apart, gag) who recently got new fake teeth. And for some reason they whistle when he talks... Very attractive, but a big step up (even I'll admit that.)
A lady who works in the warehouse who also is obsessed with cats. To the point of having over 50 of them and living in a trailer. I swear to god I'm not making that up. Who smells constantly of cat pee and cigarettes... Please don't let me end up like that, I'll pull the trigger before that happens. Did I mention she's single. Sad.
An idiot who works in my department. She's 19 and knows nothing about the world. Oh and she loves to give her opinions at random and is a tad bit racist/homophobic/moronic. She annoys the ever living fuck out of me. I really don't know how I haven't murdered her yet... Oh yeah, I remember it's against the law. Hooker.
A hippie who will eat one bite of a piece of chocolate and then put it in a ziplock bag. So at any given time there will be about 10 bags filled with half eaten food in her desk. Oh and she has OCD. No joke. Everything in her desk has to be perfect. She's obsessed with the environment and her hippie ways.... I don't recycle just to fuck with her. Oh and I rearrange shit in her desk to just see her freak out. Once I changed the settings on her chair and she complained about it for 6 weeks. It was worth it!
Those are literally just a sampling of the crazies we have running around here. And you wonder why I'm a bitch, having to deal with these people on a daily basis. I'm surprised I haven't actually taken out that wing of toddlers yet... There's always next weekend....
A girl who heats up 3 tortillas and dunks them in zesty onion ring sauce. The very same girl who likes to eat ranch straight from the bottle and microwaves salmon (like it needs to smell like a fucking fish sitting on the pavement for 3 weeks in July in our break room)... Tasty, perhaps.
An IT guy who likes to send out mass emails about who would play who in a sitcom and considers himself a comedian. It's so sad I don't want to recap all of the strange things he has said or done. Lest he somehow read this and slit his wrists immediately... I did not reply to that email, DON'T ENCOURAGE THESE PEOPLE!
An owner who spends more time checking his mail box then working. Oh and today I found out he has a tv in his office - he likes to watch the food network obsessively.... What a douche.
The director of payroll who loves cats more than life itself. She has a whole cubicle devoted to any sort of cat paraphernalia that you can imagine. She also has no children. And was creepy/over excited when I told her I didn't want them either... Was she justifying her choice through mine? Bet she regrets it. Cries about at night, he he he.
A woman who works in our commercial department who says nothing to no one, she barely makes eye contact. Just a brutal bitch whose built like a linebacker. Who always has the expression of smelling shit on her face. And shoves her huge feet into tiny sandals... Maybe that's why she's so cranky. Get bigger shoes.
A guy who works in the warehouse - whose front teeth rotted out from drinking too much mountain dew (I mean they were black and falling apart, gag) who recently got new fake teeth. And for some reason they whistle when he talks... Very attractive, but a big step up (even I'll admit that.)
A lady who works in the warehouse who also is obsessed with cats. To the point of having over 50 of them and living in a trailer. I swear to god I'm not making that up. Who smells constantly of cat pee and cigarettes... Please don't let me end up like that, I'll pull the trigger before that happens. Did I mention she's single. Sad.
An idiot who works in my department. She's 19 and knows nothing about the world. Oh and she loves to give her opinions at random and is a tad bit racist/homophobic/moronic. She annoys the ever living fuck out of me. I really don't know how I haven't murdered her yet... Oh yeah, I remember it's against the law. Hooker.
A hippie who will eat one bite of a piece of chocolate and then put it in a ziplock bag. So at any given time there will be about 10 bags filled with half eaten food in her desk. Oh and she has OCD. No joke. Everything in her desk has to be perfect. She's obsessed with the environment and her hippie ways.... I don't recycle just to fuck with her. Oh and I rearrange shit in her desk to just see her freak out. Once I changed the settings on her chair and she complained about it for 6 weeks. It was worth it!
Those are literally just a sampling of the crazies we have running around here. And you wonder why I'm a bitch, having to deal with these people on a daily basis. I'm surprised I haven't actually taken out that wing of toddlers yet... There's always next weekend....
guitar hero
I really think that I work with a bunch of out of work, down on their luck actors. Ones who like to say and or do things to hone their craft. No one could possibly be so weird. Or so lame and pathetic. A fantasy of mine is that there is a terrible fire and I'm late to work that day, of course everyone perishes in the flames except me. Darn it, it would really be a loss to humanity.
Today someones family came into visit. Normally this bothers me. Go home. Who cares where your significant other or parent works. (Unless your my Mom, she works in a prison and the tour was awesome!) But So and So's wife and kids came in today and they we're making small talk with So and So's inferior. Small talk makes me nervous normally but today it made me giggle uncontrollably.
So and So's Wife : So how were your holidays?
Inferior : Oh they were fantastic, except for one thing.
So and So's Wife : Oh, a bit of family dysfunction? (Chortle, chortle)
Inferior : Actually, my grandma died on Christmas day on our couch.
So and So's Wife : (Uncomfortable silence, followed by looking at the floor)
Me : Ha ha ha ha, cough cough cough cough.
So and So's Wife : That's really horrible, I'm sorry.
Inferior : Yeah, but other than that it was great. I got guitar hero...
I shit you not, word for word. Oh it was great until grandma decided to bite the big one on your couch? That's disturbing. Even more disturbing than sharing this story to people you don't know is maybe you should have said something to the effect of "Yeah, but at least she was surrounded by family and it was peaceful." But no, you thought to add that you got guitar hero. Sick, sick fuck!
I have such a headache. It's fucking stressful pretending to work. Especially when someone got shit canned today. Someone that I would never expect to get fired. My days are numbered. Fuck. I need a drink or twelve.
Today someones family came into visit. Normally this bothers me. Go home. Who cares where your significant other or parent works. (Unless your my Mom, she works in a prison and the tour was awesome!) But So and So's wife and kids came in today and they we're making small talk with So and So's inferior. Small talk makes me nervous normally but today it made me giggle uncontrollably.
So and So's Wife : So how were your holidays?
Inferior : Oh they were fantastic, except for one thing.
So and So's Wife : Oh, a bit of family dysfunction? (Chortle, chortle)
Inferior : Actually, my grandma died on Christmas day on our couch.
So and So's Wife : (Uncomfortable silence, followed by looking at the floor)
Me : Ha ha ha ha, cough cough cough cough.
So and So's Wife : That's really horrible, I'm sorry.
Inferior : Yeah, but other than that it was great. I got guitar hero...
I shit you not, word for word. Oh it was great until grandma decided to bite the big one on your couch? That's disturbing. Even more disturbing than sharing this story to people you don't know is maybe you should have said something to the effect of "Yeah, but at least she was surrounded by family and it was peaceful." But no, you thought to add that you got guitar hero. Sick, sick fuck!
I have such a headache. It's fucking stressful pretending to work. Especially when someone got shit canned today. Someone that I would never expect to get fired. My days are numbered. Fuck. I need a drink or twelve.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
ambushed and suffocated
I know most people talk about their dysfunctional families and really they don't have them. The worst they have is family members who say things like 'fudge' or 'fiddle sticks'. Or maybe wear strange clothes or who are really into ice skating. While abnormal as those qualities are they are not deemed dysfunctional in my eyes.. Nope, alas my family is actually barely functioning. Everyone hates each other. Or everyone hates certain members of our family.
Lets take some time to talk about my Uncle Carlos*. He recently received his wife. When I say received I mean he bought her. Can we say mail order bride? Yeah. Gag. She's 25. That's a whole two years older than me. Me her reluctant niece.
She doesn't speak English. She's all alone. With him! I actually feel for her.
Now lets describe my Uncle. 46 Years old. Disgusting. I could go on but I'll play nice and say that he's on the heavier side and not at all attractive. Oh an he has the personality of a sea urchin. And he likes to cheat family members out of money and is just waiting for my Grandparents to kick the bucket so he can collect his inheritance. Real classy guy.
So on NYE without prior notice he invites all of the family out to meet her. At a Chinese food restaurant. She's Cambodian. Dick. The food isn't the same. Anyway. I didn't go. (Hello, its NYE, people have plans. Ass!) My Dad didn't go either because rockstar quotes he was sick. I thought I would meet her in good time. I didn't have to go out of my way to see the poor choices that they were making. After all he just wanted presents and money.
So I thought that was it. I was wrong!
Last night around 9pm we were ambushed. There was a loud pounding at the door. The dog started barking. I thought it was a home invasion. I wish it was a home invasion. No, rather it was my uncle and his blushing bride. I was in my room laying down, because I had a rough night the day before. When I heard his booming voice my butthole went into panic mode. I hate him. I try to avoid contact at all costs. Now he's in my home. What is a girl to do?
Thus I snuck up and closed my door, only to be opened two seconds later with my mom shoving the dog in my room. Yes, I admit that I was hiding behind the door so she didn't see me. Then as quietly as possible I tiptoed to my light and turned it off. Then stealthily I climbed into bed and hid under the covers.
That's right, I would rather almost suffocated under my blanket for a half hour than have to see that trainwreck.
In a panic I called all of my closest and dearest friends. And when they didn't answer I got desperate. I just started going through my phonebook and calling random people. Did I mention when I get nervous I breath hard. Well, I do. Anyways, while breathing really hard I left about 6 voicemails for people. Not my finest hour.
Apparently she's not very attractive. Poor thing. She's probably adorable compared to him though.
This whole situation is very traumatic. I don't want to meet her. Gag. Retch. Vomit. Hack.
Why can't I have a semi normal family?
*Names changed to protect the innocent. Well, not so much innocent. Rather creepy.
Lets take some time to talk about my Uncle Carlos*. He recently received his wife. When I say received I mean he bought her. Can we say mail order bride? Yeah. Gag. She's 25. That's a whole two years older than me. Me her reluctant niece.
She doesn't speak English. She's all alone. With him! I actually feel for her.
Now lets describe my Uncle. 46 Years old. Disgusting. I could go on but I'll play nice and say that he's on the heavier side and not at all attractive. Oh an he has the personality of a sea urchin. And he likes to cheat family members out of money and is just waiting for my Grandparents to kick the bucket so he can collect his inheritance. Real classy guy.
So on NYE without prior notice he invites all of the family out to meet her. At a Chinese food restaurant. She's Cambodian. Dick. The food isn't the same. Anyway. I didn't go. (Hello, its NYE, people have plans. Ass!) My Dad didn't go either because rockstar quotes he was sick. I thought I would meet her in good time. I didn't have to go out of my way to see the poor choices that they were making. After all he just wanted presents and money.
So I thought that was it. I was wrong!
Last night around 9pm we were ambushed. There was a loud pounding at the door. The dog started barking. I thought it was a home invasion. I wish it was a home invasion. No, rather it was my uncle and his blushing bride. I was in my room laying down, because I had a rough night the day before. When I heard his booming voice my butthole went into panic mode. I hate him. I try to avoid contact at all costs. Now he's in my home. What is a girl to do?
Thus I snuck up and closed my door, only to be opened two seconds later with my mom shoving the dog in my room. Yes, I admit that I was hiding behind the door so she didn't see me. Then as quietly as possible I tiptoed to my light and turned it off. Then stealthily I climbed into bed and hid under the covers.
That's right, I would rather almost suffocated under my blanket for a half hour than have to see that trainwreck.
In a panic I called all of my closest and dearest friends. And when they didn't answer I got desperate. I just started going through my phonebook and calling random people. Did I mention when I get nervous I breath hard. Well, I do. Anyways, while breathing really hard I left about 6 voicemails for people. Not my finest hour.
Apparently she's not very attractive. Poor thing. She's probably adorable compared to him though.
This whole situation is very traumatic. I don't want to meet her. Gag. Retch. Vomit. Hack.
Why can't I have a semi normal family?
*Names changed to protect the innocent. Well, not so much innocent. Rather creepy.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
i am a sea of emotion...
Things that have bothered me (so far) today:
Older women who take on the matriarch role at work - I am not your child. You can not tell me what to do in my personal life! You have no business talking to me in any manner other than work related. I really don't give a shit what you think I should be doing with my life. FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING CUNTBAG. Oh and I throw office supplies away to piss you off.
People who assume I am their personal secretary - When I was hired I was lead to believe that I am the receptionist, not your personal assistant! So when you mention that I should make sure you get special treatment it makes me want to shove a stapler up your ass. I am not going to put your mail in your slot at a certain angle or open your envelopes so you don't have to. Nor am I going to make sure you have the conference room scheduled every Thursday. Do it yourself you lazy ASSHOLE. That is all.
Boys getting jealous when other people call - I love when your all in the heat of the moment and then the phone rings. Then it rings again. And again. Until its 6 missed calls and your getting dagger eyes because it was your phone. Listen buddy, I don't know who it was. But, I did play it like it could be this guy I met. Weird, I'm a liar. Thus you pick it up on the seventh call and freak out on the person. Oh and I you growled? Hi! Are you a predatory animal? No. So knock it off. I would have been pissed if you hadn't looked so hot. So technically this one didn't bother me, but I felt for posterity I should add it.
People explaining things to me that are so self explanatory its ridiculous - Get over it yourself you important egotistical arse! You are not my boss. And I'm not a moron, but thanks for making sure that I know how to close that envelope! What would I have done without the wisdom that you just departed on me? The world is a better place with you in it. It truly is.
Music snobs or people who are in a "band" - We get it. You above all have superior musical taste. You should be able to quiz me every time you see I have my iPod on and then critique my choice. If you ask me one more time what I'm listening to I will scream! Not an exasperated sigh but rather the high pitch freak out scream (that Megs did so well when someone threw a snowball at her car - Its a thing of beauty). P.S. Your stupid band sucks, you can't hear the lyrics over the music. They probably suck anyway.
Hooker Nails - The product of a thin layer of nailpolish. The one you mean to take off but forgot. So now you have to look at your disgusting nails all chipped and gross. They're mocking me, I can tell.
Things that make me happy:
Told you I'd do it sooner or later...
Energy Drinks - Heavenly nectar... (I love Finding Nemo, yes I'm 5.)
Going into debt - Shopping. It's just unavoidable. Fucking Target. They totally draw you in. Then leave you feeling used.
Grey's Anatomy - McDreamy, McSteamy. McAwesome. I love it. I could dedicate an entire post to it but I'll leave it alone for now.
Good books - One's that draw you in and keep you up till 3 in the morning because who needs sleep?
Cooking - I love to cook for other people, or teach people how to cook. In my mind I am Martha Fucking Stewart, ok?
Traveling - New places, new people, new experiences, new places to eat and shop. What's not to love?
Music - I'm into everything. Eventually, I'll share some favorites in my posts. Possibly songs that I love. But I'll try to keep the lyrics to a minimum. I know people are unoriginal and can't convey their own emotions and let others lyrics do it for them. Those people make me sad. I would rather sound unintelligent and swear & stutter a lot to get my point across then have someone else do it for me. I mean fuck, come on people!
Funny People - Certain friends who make me laugh like an insane person. I love em to death.
Clear Skin - Pimples make me insane. GAPING FUCKING WOUNDS. Why can't I just have clear skin? I'm 23. I don't need acne. Please clear skin god, smile upon me!
Good haircuts - I need one. I love when I get them. Haven't had one in a while. Cough Cough. Going to hell.
The Office - Hands down funniest shit ever. I could do one liners from that show all day, but I wont. I know I'm annoying and if I start I wont be able to stop. Ok, ok. Just one.... Did you get your tickets to the show? What show? The gun show!
Being a VBP - I strive to do at least one thing a day. And I think it shows. Straight to hell. Is it getting hot in here?
Older women who take on the matriarch role at work - I am not your child. You can not tell me what to do in my personal life! You have no business talking to me in any manner other than work related. I really don't give a shit what you think I should be doing with my life. FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING CUNTBAG. Oh and I throw office supplies away to piss you off.
People who assume I am their personal secretary - When I was hired I was lead to believe that I am the receptionist, not your personal assistant! So when you mention that I should make sure you get special treatment it makes me want to shove a stapler up your ass. I am not going to put your mail in your slot at a certain angle or open your envelopes so you don't have to. Nor am I going to make sure you have the conference room scheduled every Thursday. Do it yourself you lazy ASSHOLE. That is all.
Boys getting jealous when other people call - I love when your all in the heat of the moment and then the phone rings. Then it rings again. And again. Until its 6 missed calls and your getting dagger eyes because it was your phone. Listen buddy, I don't know who it was. But, I did play it like it could be this guy I met. Weird, I'm a liar. Thus you pick it up on the seventh call and freak out on the person. Oh and I you growled? Hi! Are you a predatory animal? No. So knock it off. I would have been pissed if you hadn't looked so hot. So technically this one didn't bother me, but I felt for posterity I should add it.
People explaining things to me that are so self explanatory its ridiculous - Get over it yourself you important egotistical arse! You are not my boss. And I'm not a moron, but thanks for making sure that I know how to close that envelope! What would I have done without the wisdom that you just departed on me? The world is a better place with you in it. It truly is.
Music snobs or people who are in a "band" - We get it. You above all have superior musical taste. You should be able to quiz me every time you see I have my iPod on and then critique my choice. If you ask me one more time what I'm listening to I will scream! Not an exasperated sigh but rather the high pitch freak out scream (that Megs did so well when someone threw a snowball at her car - Its a thing of beauty). P.S. Your stupid band sucks, you can't hear the lyrics over the music. They probably suck anyway.
Hooker Nails - The product of a thin layer of nailpolish. The one you mean to take off but forgot. So now you have to look at your disgusting nails all chipped and gross. They're mocking me, I can tell.
Things that make me happy:
Told you I'd do it sooner or later...
Energy Drinks - Heavenly nectar... (I love Finding Nemo, yes I'm 5.)
Going into debt - Shopping. It's just unavoidable. Fucking Target. They totally draw you in. Then leave you feeling used.
Grey's Anatomy - McDreamy, McSteamy. McAwesome. I love it. I could dedicate an entire post to it but I'll leave it alone for now.
Good books - One's that draw you in and keep you up till 3 in the morning because who needs sleep?
Cooking - I love to cook for other people, or teach people how to cook. In my mind I am Martha Fucking Stewart, ok?
Traveling - New places, new people, new experiences, new places to eat and shop. What's not to love?
Music - I'm into everything. Eventually, I'll share some favorites in my posts. Possibly songs that I love. But I'll try to keep the lyrics to a minimum. I know people are unoriginal and can't convey their own emotions and let others lyrics do it for them. Those people make me sad. I would rather sound unintelligent and swear & stutter a lot to get my point across then have someone else do it for me. I mean fuck, come on people!
Funny People - Certain friends who make me laugh like an insane person. I love em to death.
Clear Skin - Pimples make me insane. GAPING FUCKING WOUNDS. Why can't I just have clear skin? I'm 23. I don't need acne. Please clear skin god, smile upon me!
Good haircuts - I need one. I love when I get them. Haven't had one in a while. Cough Cough. Going to hell.
The Office - Hands down funniest shit ever. I could do one liners from that show all day, but I wont. I know I'm annoying and if I start I wont be able to stop. Ok, ok. Just one.... Did you get your tickets to the show? What show? The gun show!
Being a VBP - I strive to do at least one thing a day. And I think it shows. Straight to hell. Is it getting hot in here?
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
the night that never happened
It's 2008. Big fucking deal. Amateurs night is over. Not even hung over today, fucking bullshit.
New Years Eve was a complete loss. A wash if you will. Hanging out with Satan was fun as always. We always have fun. Ate too much, watched a really bad scary move (read low buge - complete with horrific actors!) ate some more. Drank a lot, didn't feel it at all. Watched Superbad then went to bed. A very sedate evening.
I'm convinced we are drunks. We polished off a bottle of champagne and half a bottle of vodka between us and nothing. I'm really pissed, I wanted to be drunk. Not for a lack of trying we ended up giving up and going to bed.
Panic mode didn't set in until about 4:30 am. My eye popped open in horror when I realized NYE was coming back for a vengeance. Like I had wronged it in a cruel way and I was going to get my comeuppance. Needless to say "IT" was coming out on both ends.
At one point while talking at my mom while sitting on the toilet I actually stuck my arm out of the bathroom to wave fresh air in. Fucking mini cocktail wieners. It was so bad I actually threw away the trash can from the bathroom rather than clean it out. I'm disgusting.
After a few trips to dispel the entire contents of my body, I finally settled back down to go back to sleep. No such luck. I believe in a sleep deprived haze we talked about shitting in the shower and other horror stories. I have no shame.
I really am just going to pretend last night never happened.
Happy fucking new years!
"Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!" - Seth Rogan
New Years Eve was a complete loss. A wash if you will. Hanging out with Satan was fun as always. We always have fun. Ate too much, watched a really bad scary move (read low buge - complete with horrific actors!) ate some more. Drank a lot, didn't feel it at all. Watched Superbad then went to bed. A very sedate evening.
I'm convinced we are drunks. We polished off a bottle of champagne and half a bottle of vodka between us and nothing. I'm really pissed, I wanted to be drunk. Not for a lack of trying we ended up giving up and going to bed.
Panic mode didn't set in until about 4:30 am. My eye popped open in horror when I realized NYE was coming back for a vengeance. Like I had wronged it in a cruel way and I was going to get my comeuppance. Needless to say "IT" was coming out on both ends.
At one point while talking at my mom while sitting on the toilet I actually stuck my arm out of the bathroom to wave fresh air in. Fucking mini cocktail wieners. It was so bad I actually threw away the trash can from the bathroom rather than clean it out. I'm disgusting.
After a few trips to dispel the entire contents of my body, I finally settled back down to go back to sleep. No such luck. I believe in a sleep deprived haze we talked about shitting in the shower and other horror stories. I have no shame.
I really am just going to pretend last night never happened.
Happy fucking new years!
"Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!" - Seth Rogan
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