rage induced texts

No time to post but I'll let you savor my text messages...

These ones were from when it was -35 below zero and people drove like idiots. I was late four out of the five days that week. No words.

I’M GOING TO MURDER BABIES, FLOWERS, RAINBOWS, AND GLITTER! I’M FUCKING PISSED! I’VE BEEN SITTING IN TRAFFIC FOR FUCKING EVER. I’M GOING TO POP A BLOOD VESSEL OF HATE AND DIE FROM THE SEIZURE I’M ABOUT TO INDUCE!

Fucking asshole you are not a car! Piece of shit bike. If I could get up to speed I’d hit you so hard I’d knock you into 2010!

HA HA HA! SLIPPERY THAN YOU THOUGHT? SLIDE INTO A SNOWBANK? SERVES YOU RIGHT! OH GOD THAT WAS FUNNY. THANK YOU THERE IS A GOD AND HE IS VENGEFUL!
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I have an enemy at work, I don't know who, but someone loves to turn the lights off on me in the bathroom. One day I will figure it out...

Oh my god! That’s it! Someone turned the lights off on me when I was pooping! How dare thee!

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Satan locked her keys in her car one of those nights when it was frigid... We didn't get her car open but we did give it our all...

My feet hurt! LOL thank god I wasn’t standing out there the whole time. Peety wont even lay next to them. Racist.

I touched his warm little balls on accident and he got up and left. Rude.

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So basically I'm sleeping with Bryan's best friend Nel after the whole debacle... I know I'm a horrible person but I honestly don't give a fuck...

Guess what we ‘watched’ last night? The Covenant. I looked over and stared at Caleb – he was like hello? Right here right now. Don’t you dare pretend I’m him. I gave him and SEG and he got pissed. That’s when it got good. I had to share.

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I've been watching Pushing Daisies... Some memorable quotes include...

The fun parts counting my money in the bubble bath!

You love secrets! You want to marry secrets and have little half-secret half-human babies!

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I sent Satan this after a particularly trying day... Only she can appreciate my humor.

FML! Driven to drink a twenty-four year old Saint Paul woman lit her office on fire today in a fit of rage. Authorities say her body was found in a strange position with her arm cocked like a bat wing. We cannot say what drove her to such insanity. More at ten.

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On inauguration day...

Some little squirt said “it makes me feel like I can do anything.” I said ok Larry Cook, we’ll come back to you in twenty years and we’ll see what you’ve done. My dad then chimed in saying don’t worry he’ll be easy to find – in prison! Ba Dum Dum! I laughed. Bad person.

LMAO racist daddy!

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Best commercial ever...

I WISH I’D NEVER BEEN BROILED!

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Some juvenile delinquents broke into Satan's car at the library, they stole a stethoscope and a dvd... We now hate the library at night.

Fucking hoodlums! Fucking library!

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A milestone as far as I'm concerned!

OMFG. It took three years and three months but it finally happened! I just talked to a lady who has tourettes! And it was awesome! I want to call her back!

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Fuck saying SF#1 her name is Lyndsay and she is a fat-bitch-cunt-lying-manipulative-whore. I'm sick of her.

FUCKING LYNDSAY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TODAY? I’M GOING TO KILL HER FAT ASS!

I’d run her over but I don’t think she’d fit under my car without damaging it.

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Random text to Satan from school...

Ah, full length leather trench coat guy. I was wondering when we we’re going to have a class together. I hate to say it but it’s a tad columbine. And it scares me.

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And the last thing I saw that made me smile and wonder if i was going to hell today...

Who would tag an overpass to say ‘I hope you get cancer.’ Now that is some evil shit. Bet their mom and dad are real proud. Even we wouldn’t do that.

Lol, I had a little SEG.

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I'm creative, I believe that there is a small nation of tribesman that live under my desk. I have yet to name them all, yes I've goten like 4 hours of sleep in the past two days...

Four hours to go. I feel like I got shot with a tired dart. Stupid little natives who live under my desk.

They subside on the crumbs I drop. I named one Tito. He’s an angry one. I bet it was him.