i'm back bitches...

I’m breaking the silence…

I haven’t blogged in months.

Keeping stuff inside isn’t healthy.

I’m at an impasse. I’m stuck in a rut. I’m in a fix. I’m in a funk.

Something is seriously wrong with me.

Where to begin, hmm… Let’s start with the easy stuff. Take this weekend for instance, tonight I am going to take a nap then go out with Satan, Saturday I’m going to see Chelsea Handler with SF#2, for her birthday, and then on Sunday I’m going to help her pack up her apartment.

I really need a drink, it’s been hellish at work today, and no I do not solve my problems or moods with booze. Ok, that’s a lie, yes I do. But today I really don’t give a shit, I’ve been thinking about how much I drink. It’s not a huge amount really, but I feel the need to justify it. Look, I’m getting old, at thirty I will not want to drink as much as I do now. Thus, I need to make my remaining years legendary.

LEGENDARY!

Sorry, that was purely for Satan.

Speaking of drinking we have a new motto, Satan and I:

Fuck drowning sorrows, let’s drown souls!

I might get some ass this weekend. Actually let me restate that, I BETTER GET SOME ASS THIS WEEKEND! The last time really didn’t work for me and I want tomorrow to be awesome. Yes, I’m alluding to the fact that I had sex on a pull out couch in someone’s living room because the guy I’m fucking is a cheap bastard.

Let’s rewind. So a few weeks back Bryan came down to hang out and go downtown with all of his buddies. Jase included, god help me. I don’t know what I ever saw in that kid, I digress. So they all got home at a decent time, I guess no one was really into the ‘drink till you shit’ mood.

Anyway, they we’re all playing cards by the time I showed up. I played a few rounds and generally just talked a lot of shit. I knew that the only way I was going to get some ass is if they went to bed, this is where the pull out comes into play. I was getting desperate. Trying to convey “go to bed so I can fuck your best friend, but please pretend you don’t hear anything because I’m not a whore” is hard to do with your eyes. I gave it my all though. Then I stooped, yes stooped Satan, to yawning. I think finally they got the hint because Jase’s friend left and he retired downstairs and Nel said he was going to put a DVD in and pass out. “FINALY!” My mind screamed, if I knew then what I knew now I’m not so sure I would have been excited about that prospect.

So we waited and waited until we heard the TV turn on upstairs and we waited for Jase to get out of the shower downstairs, there was a chance he would have to come back up for something and I really didn’t want to be caught in flagrante.

So with our eagle eyes watching and our bat sonar ears tuned we heard nothing. Coast was clear. Sweet Jesus, el Diablo is getting some ass! (Sorry, it’d been a while…)

Anyway, we’re fooling around and that’s when I hear it. Footsteps! Oh sweet Mary mother of god. I froze. With the cocked eyeball and everything, really not an attractive look if you’ve ever seen it. Bryan must not have heard it but he had felt me turn to stone and looked up to see what was the matter. I pointed to the hall and then he froze . . . . No one, hmm. So we continued on our merry way. That’s when I heard the basement door creak. “Oh god, grab the sheet, cover us!” was what I exclaimed. He stopped covered us and listened, nothing. Then he told me not to be so paranoid and relax. I just couldn’t. Needless to say he distracted me with his manly ways and we were off again. I was just starting to enjoy myself when the metal bar that is the leg of the couch started to lift with a swishing motion and hit the hardwood floor. Then the tense started to creep back into my psyche, I thought to myself if he was doing this better I really wouldn’t care if someone caught us. That’s when he stopped and froze. My heart about stopped. Then he laughed. He was just kidding. VERY FUNNY ASS! And that was my night.

The lesson/motto I’ve learned from that experience is as follows:

I’ve decided if you can’t afford a hotel room then you really can’t afford to fuck me.

Back to the present, someone got a hotel room for tomorrow! Yay, now we can fuck on disgusting sheets. But, at least no one will walk in at any given moment.

Back to the beginning of this blog, I really am in a rut, but I’m trying like hell to get out. I can’t stay like this forever and I’m making changes. I’m not sure I want to talk about them quite yet, so stay tuned for those developments.

Hmm what else is going on, I have time to kill after all I’m at work.

Vampires… I really wish I was one. I’m getting wistful just thinking about it. Me and Satan would be awesome. Money, cars, men and debauchery. It’d be awesome. Sigh.

Ok, well, I still have to post this and catch up on Satan’s blog so ta ta for now dears.