b&e bitches

Back to my B&E...

Nel called me on Sunday night and told me that one of his friends was in some trouble. At first I thought he just needed me to go get him or who knows what, I was wrong. He asked me to go over to the guys house and get his wallet and get money for bailing him out. Easy enough right?

I wondered why I was needed for this plan but didn't ask. I figured I owed him this for being so nice about that morning. (I literally raced for the car to get the hell out of there. Walk of shame? No. More like sprint of shame.) Apparently the guy had pissed on a cop car. Really not something I would ever suggest doing. Possibly he wasn't sober? I'm not sure.

Nel was going over to the bar where he got arrested because they took him into custody with his keys and the guys he was with had no ride home. Thus, I needed to secure the $12oo that they needed to get him out. I'm imagining the Mission Impossible theme song right now, just so you can better picture this next part.

I drove over to the guys house, he lives pretty close to me so it was a short trip. I went over there thinking there would be a key for me to get in. No such luck. I had to break in. All the while I was on the phone with Nel getting instructions and he never mentioned this. I wrote down pin numbers, were the wallet would be, the address and such all while thinking he had a hide-a-key somewhere. I asked before I got out of the car and Nel was like no, just go in the back door.

Our conversation went a little like this:

Me: Excuse me? Is it open?

Him: No. Just pull the screen door really hard?

Me: What the hell?

Him: The back door will be open you just have to pull the screen door hard. The lock is fucked up.

Me: Umm ok.

Him: Oh and don't wake the neighbors they're redneck dicks.

Me: Redneck dicks with guns?

Him: Just get the hell back there.

Me: Fine, jesus!

So I'm creeping along in the yard, which by the way have we heard of a fucking lawnmower? This shit is up to my hips. At this point I was sort of thinking, this is a joke right? Is someone going to jump out and shout ha ha? Or am I going to be dragged around back and raped? The things that roll through your mind in the dark, I swear.

I round the house and the gate is huge. I'm thinking how in the hell am I going to get over that? And at this point on the phone I can hear the two drunk guys get into his car and start fighting.

Me: Is the gate locked?

Him: No, just reach through and pull it open. What did you think I'd make you climb over it?

Me: Thank god.

I got through the gate and everything was well lit because of this huge fucking floodlight. I locked the gate and went up to the door. The screen door is all I have to get through right?

Me: The fucking thing wont open!

Him: Pull harder!

Me: I am pulling hard, fuck you!

Him: Fuck off, I'm telling you if you pull it hard enough and the right way it'll open!

Me: Ok, so there is a technique I'm missing? Why the hell didn't you tell me there was a way to do this?

Him: For the love of god.

At this point I was getting a little upset. When I get upset I tend to swear and become incoherent. He mentioned this and that may have set me off a little bit...

Me: I CAN'T FUCKING GET IN FUCK THIS SHIT!

Him: Ok, calm the fuck down!

Me: Don't tell me to calm down!

Him: Alright, I'm sure he'd rather have a broken screen door than be in jail. Bust the motherfucking screen out, but for the love of god do it quietly. I can't afford to bail you out too!

Me: What? No way. Someones going to hear.

Inside I was excited as hell, but I wanted him to convince me because that way I could feign innocence if someone did get mad at me. I wanted him to think it was his idea. I was already eyeing up a lawn chair to bust that fucker out. My internal monologue said maybe that size of an object was a bad idea. Hmm. What else? Nothing...

Hello Mr. Patio Chair.

Me: Ok, all I see is chairs. This might be loud.

Him: This is going to be bad. Very bad.

Me: Shut up. It's fine, we're fine. I'm fine. I'll be quiet.

My insides were screaming "YOU'RE DOING A B&E! WOO HOO!" Obviously my priorities had shifted from errand for a friend to mark this off of my things to do in life list. But alas, somewhere in the back of my mind I was thinking "Oh god, this could go wrong. What if someone hears me?" Then the voices in my head took over and said "Fuck it, DO IT, DO IT!"

My hand trembled as I picked up that chair. But I persevered. I used the legs to bust through the screen. The adrenaline rush was enough for me to text Satan "Fuck booze, fuck drugs, lets be burglars!" Yes, I was still a little high from the rush, I'm sorry booze. I'll never speak badly of you again. Moving on.

Once I got the door open with minimal noise I heard a rush of air coming from the phone. Exhaling because it went well? Oh ye of little faith. I'm awesome, why was there ever a doubt in your mind that I couldn't do this? I'm a fucking natural. I made it through the door in the dark.

Me: Does he live with someone?

Him: No why?

Me: Why do I hear breathing?

Him: What?!!

Me: Seriously, this isn't funny!

Him: Oh yeah he has a dog.

Me: A big dog that likes to eat intruders? WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE LIGHTS?

Him: (Laughing/trying to cover up the fact that he's doing it)

Me: This isn't funny you asshole, I'm going to trip and kill myself?

It turned out to be a big dumb lab named Spock that was breathing heavy, personally I think he should quit the years of smoking doggie cigarettes. And he was a sweetheart! I almost wanted to steal him and pretend that he got out. He was so cute!

Me: Thanks for scaring twenty off of my lifespan you dick.

Him: Just get the cards and get out.

Me: Hmph.

Thus concludes my B&E 2008. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. It was an experience I'll never forget. I can't wait to talk Satan into doing it for real.