just had to get this out

It's been a long day so far. I'm practically falling asleep while typing this. I watched Office Space this weekend and when I heard the line "Looks like somebodies got a case of the Mondays!" My eye spasmed, but today its true. I'm crabby, tired and fed the fuck up. I really don't like rushing to school from work, from class to class and then home in traffic. It pretty much ranks up there with my version of hell.

I'm in a mood. In fact Satan would say I'm in rageful mood. Case and point, take a look at the text I sent her while sitting in traffic this morning, while late to work of course. "This car can parachute onto a max facility prison barbed wire fence and if he survives while he's picking the metal spikes from his face and body the guards release the dogs that rip him to shreds and if he survives that that the guard in the sniper tower gets confused and shoots him in the face. That's what he deserves." Obviously rage to me means not having to use punctuation or proper sentence structure.

Perhaps I'm in a mood due to undue stress and drama that is my life. Ian called me last night and wanted to talk about his drama. I might sound mean, but honestly I don't give a flying fuck. I know that he's stressed out and that his mom was in the hospital but I feel like this is possibly just an excuse to start the twisted relationshit (thanks for the word Satan!) up again. When he called me on Friday freaked out, I did the comforting that he expected but my inner monologue went a little like "why is he calling me? why not his girlfriend? or his best friend?"

When it came down to it all I can think is that he still thinks of me filling those rolls. I've tried hard as hell to step away from that and besides cutting off all contact I'm not sure what to do. I'm at a crossroads because I can honestly say I would love to keep him as a friend but he isn't letting me. I'm not ok with never talking to him again, but at the same time I can't keep this sick act up. Every time I hang up from one of his calls, even if it's happy, I feel like a piece of my heart is missing. I don't want to be with him, but I don't want to lose him. I can't win. I know it's my fault for not being stronger, I just need to vent about the situation.

I can't let it go on but I can't it go.

It is funny how my moods correlate to his calls, I was fine all weekend. Now this week will be shit because I will torture myself by going over the whole thing over and over in my head. When he doesn't call for a while then I feel this sense of freedom, but in the back of my mind I think "why hasn't he called? I wonder what he's up to."

Josh has been a positive in my life lately, I know he's actually my friend. No bullshit, no double standards, no lies, and he's a hundred percent decent. He actually cares about me, about my trivial existence. He wants to talk about my shitty days, he wants to talk about my boring class, or my road rage. He'll even go so far as to talk about my romantic conquests. I say conquests because mostly they're comical. He cares about my feelings. It's refreshing and terrifying at the same time. I love talking to him because he always makes me feel better, he's funny and makes me laugh and above all I care about him too. I think he's just as scared of life as I am. Who knew someone I once had a meaningless friendship and casual sex with could end up being one of my closest confidants? He and Satan are my best friends. True and true.

I absolutely love looking over these computer terminals when people stand up and leave. It's comical to see who was sitting right across from you for the last hour and never seeing their face. You never know who it'll be. The guy with the hideous Timberlands and reeking cologne was actually a girl. Hmm, interesting.

I think the point of this whole rambling blog was to say "Yes my life is bad, but it's also really good!" I need to read this when I've had a shitty day, worse than this one and reflect. I think I've started to really think about existence ever since I started my psych class. Death and Dying, Life and Living. I just thought I would be really morbid for the next few months. It's surprising how much I think of life instead of death in this class. It's like an hour and twenty minutes of me wanting to get out there and live my life. Strange.

I'm feeling a bit existential today.

See! Just putting this all into writing makes me feel better. I am still crabby about the Ian thing. I can't say anything to him because he'll turn it around on me and say that I'm being insensitive, so for now I will continue to be his rock. Then wean him off until the next drama happens. Who knows maybe it'll be his turn to be there for me. I guess our twisted relationship does have some good in it after all.

Alright, off to class. Jesus lady, tone it down on the Old Spice. You're a girl. Pish.