toxins

Yes, EL Diablo is a sucker.

I love infomercials and all of that shit you can buy on t.v.

Lately I’ve been wanting those detox foot pads. This horrified Satan more than anything I’ve ever told her (which I find hilarious, because I’ve told her some messed up shit about myself!) and she instantly didn’t want to know anything about them or see pictures of the process.

Being the scientific person I am I wanted to capture the moments and document them, so far I haven’t sent her any pictures. (Yet…) Anyway I got them in the mail about a couple of days ago and started them immediately. The first night is says to only put it on one of your feet and then every other night switch. For the sake of the experiment I followed the directions. The next day the leg I didn’t put the patch on hurt really bad, it felt like I pulled a muscle or something. It didn’t feel bad the night before, I text her this the that morning:

Ok, I didn’t send you the pic. But what’s weird is the foot that I didn’t put the patch on hurts. Like I’m limping a bit. WTF? It fucking hurts to drive! The leg I didn’t put it on feels fine. Traffic makes me want to stab a pencil in someones eye. I’m bitter, angry and crippled today. And if I have to slam my foot down on the brakes one more time I’m going to lose it. Don’t fuck with me today grandma in the green minivan. I will fuck you up! Gimme a pencil! Ps your rage in the am makes me feel complete. Boop!

Later that day I text her : I’m rolling everywhere in my office chair. Ouch. Fucking foot! This is bullshit.

She then asked me: Are you sure you didn’t invent this illness?

I replied : No! I can’t walk on the damn thing. I’m not making this up in my head or otherwise. Rude.

She pretty much confirmed she was fucking with me at this point.

I then replied: You knew I’d get indignant? Rude. Sniff.

So the mystery still exists. The next night I did both feet and nothing. My foot and leg still sort of hurt but I’m trying to ignore this fact. I will not look it up on WebMD.