irrational fears and pet peeves

There are many flaws to my character. I’m always changing. I’m always into new things. I have a very short attention span. I’m a procrastinator. I’m semi racist. I have anger issues. I worry constantly. I’m paranoid. The list could go on and on. But let’s take some time to discuss my attention span…

If a book or movie doesn’t capture my attention or interest within the first 30 minutes or first 6 chapters, I don’t finish it. I just don’t want to. You can’t make me. But sometimes those decisions to quit have haunted me. It’s disturbing. Sometimes I’ll be in a crisis and wonder what the hell happened to the end of that book?

For example, last summer my dad was really sick. We had to take him to the hospital. And for a few moments in the waiting room when I should have been thinking about him all I could think was what the hell happened in Drowning Ruth? Did she drown her sister? Did she fall through the ice? Why did she pretend that her daughter wasn’t hers? I have issues!

I am totally obsessive compulsive about some things. Movies for example; if I see one and love it I can watch it again and again. I will reread books over and over. But, if it doesn’t grip me I don’t give a fuck and will not finish it.

The paranoid thing is another issue I have. I constantly think people are out to get me. No, I don’t think that ninjas are going to jump me in a dark alley! I’m not that crazy yet. More that coworkers and other people are watching me and turning me in. Or judging me. It bothers me. Even if they are I don’t really care. I think I just need to do drugs, maybe it’ll mellow me out. Someone prescribe me happy pills! Please?!

I also have tons of irrational fears, here are just a few…

Drowning – I’m a good swimmer, Junior Lifeguard Plus, actually. But I still fear it. I panic when I get underwater. I feel like I’ll never see the surface again. Makes me think of Dane Cook and his joke about drowning in the abyss, fucking kid and his floaty raft!

Sharks – I would literally try to break my own neck if I was about to be eaten by a shark. When I was little I lived in Hawaii we used to swim at this little reef right by my house. There was this huge rock about 20 feet of the shore that you could jump off of. One day there was a baby shark there and I was trapped. That was the one day I had some balls and I jumped off and started swimming to shore. Fucker followed me. And I punched it. I was a BAMF. But that was a baby, big ones scare the shit out of me!

Small Spaces – Oh my fucking gawd. I am claustrophobic as shit. I don’t even want to talk about it.

Spiders – I really don’t care that in the state of Minnesota there are no spiders that can break your skin when they bite. They can bite me! They can crawl on me! They can trap me in the bathroom and reduce me to tears! I can’t stand insects. I want a bug vacuum. Oh lord, I’m getting hot and itchy just thinking about their legs scuttling on slick surfaces.

Centipedes – Holy mother of god. I was so happy about moving to Minnesota just to be rid of them. Ok, we have them here but no where near as bad as the ones in Hawaii. The ones here look kinda fuzzy and almost like creepy caterpillars with long skinny legs. That description doesn’t make me want to run and scream any less when I see them. But the ones in Hawaii, oh lord. They are about 6 to 8 inches long, dark brown and indestructible. Their bodies are like little suits of armor. You literally have to cut them in half to kill them. Shoes wont do it!

Ok new topic. I’m uncomfortable talking about this. Heebee Jeebees! I was talking to Satan and Lucifer last weekend and Lucifer was talking about how she is terrified of worms. I can handle those. But if they are on me, for sure I’ll be freaking out!

I was just thinking about SF#2. I can bet you money that I have to do her taxes this year. Shit. Thinking of that makes me feel better about not inviting her to go to Seattle with me. VBP doesn’t want to spend more than 6 hours with her. I would murder her. Seriously!

Side note – Pet peeves of mine include:

Wearing jeans and jean jackets – especially if they don’t match! Just don’t do it. Please for the love of god. Are you a cowboy? No. So mix that shit up, don’t be matchy matchy.

Pot pies – Satan can attest that they piss me off. I don’t know why they enrage me but they do. GAG. RETCH. VOMIT.