dramz part 2

‘How many times can I break till I shatter?’ Such poignant lyrics, so appropriate for the way I feel today. I don’t know why I let him affect me in such a way. At first I was going to take down the blog I posted last night because I was a wreck. Now I think I need to leave it up so I can remember how he made me feel and how I overreacted. I think I need to calm down some, or at least keep that shit inside. I can honestly only talk to one person about this situation and that is Satan. I can’t talk to Josh because he would overreact and start his macho bullshit. No, rather I informed Satan that she would need to be my Dr. Phil tonight. Even now I feel silly for making this a big deal but I haven’t freaked out that much in a very long time. Obviously I have some pent up anger/sadness/rage that needs to escape.

Drinking will help hopefully. I know it sounds like the ‘alcoholic’ thing to say to retreat to booze to solve my problems. But I had planned on drinking tonight anyway, now I have a reason to get belligerent. Sigh, I only have like four hours before our festivities begin but that seems like an eternity right now.

I am a bitch though. I will admit this fact right now. I emailed him this morning the contents of my blog and one line ‘Don’t use me as an excuse to do anything stupid, I wont be your reason.’ I hope that speaks multitudes. I really don’t want him to start anything because of me or because he’s upset. I wont be a step and I wont be a fucking excuse. I fucking refuse. Jerk.

I had to text him to tell him I emailed him, he has text me a few times since then but I really don’t think he’s read it yet because all of his texts have been nice, cordial even.

It’s only been ten minutes, this shit is going to drag. Sweet.

Ok, I’ll do some work. Fine.

Over and out.