forgive and forget? more like fuck you!

I just have to get this out.

For some reason I can't stop crying right now and that fucking pisses me off to no extent. I am stronger than this, I thought I was stronger than this. I guess not. I don't know where to start.

I really didn't know how upset I was until I had to talk to him. I thought I'd just be 'fake mad' at him and make him grovel, but when he started talking and pretending like nothing happened I fucking lost it. Am I really supposed to forget the six months you've left me hanging? I didn't know if you we're alive! For all I know you could have started up again and died and I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN! YOU DON'T TALK TO ANYONE ANYMORE!

I told him that I wasn't sure I could ever be his friend. Even though he was the best friend I could have ever wished for. He got me through the lowest point of my life. He took care of me, he loved me, he let me be me. I hope I'm not making a mistake, but our conversation has left me with more doubt and questions than I have had in a long time.


I told him that he's cut me out twice now and both times it's killed me. I want him to understand the pain he's caused. I will not let him get away with this, six months is a long fucking time to someone who used to have a heroin addiction. And I've had to wait for you to contact me!

He had the nerve to ask me to forgive him? Forgive you for what? For ignoring me, for not calling your supposed best friends? For turning your back on me, on Ian and Josh? I can understand them, but me? What in the hell did I do?


I told him I wasn't upset that he couldn't even man up and talk to Josh. Or even just find out if he was ok or if he was even alive. No, I am pissed about that! But the issue here is 'us'. I'm more pissed that he cut me out of his life for months on end and then has the fucking nerve to call me and tell me he wanted to be friends. I have been your friend - even for all of the months that you've ignored me. Ignored my calls and emails. I fucking tried! I fucking gave it my all. You made it apparent that I didn't matter. You made your fucking bed.

I asked him if he cut me out because he was protecting me, or protecting himself, or just chicken shit? Did he think I wouldn't support him in trying to stay sober? Did he think I would hurt him? Did he think I wouldn't be there for him? Did he think that talking to me would hinder his chance at a new beginning? Why would he just drop me?

I can't stop torturing myself right now. I really didn't give him the chance to respond. He was beyond pissed, trying to get me to shut up so he could talk. I wouldn't give him the chance. Frankly, I don't really care what he has to say!

I told him it would be better if he never called me again, and I thought I would just cool off. Now I'm laying in my bed blogging and balling. This isn't what I had in mind. I can't call him. I want to but I just can't. If he can deny me, I can deny him. I refuse to be one of his twelve steps. You cannot treat me like that and expect to get away with it.

I can't stop. I'm going to kill myself now, thanks for listening.