Recently Satan called me and left me the most hate filled and angry message ever. Naturally, I found it highly amusing and loved it to death. It goes as follows:
OH MY FUCKING GOD there is like a sea of brake lights! I’m pissed! I’M PISSED OFF! This is bullshit! I have less than 20 minutes to get there and umm ya it’s NOT GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN! OOH…
Let’s pause there and break that down, first off the capitals were real rage. I mean I was actually scared of her voice! And the OOH, she made it sound like a pissed off owl. I laughed so hard snot came out of my nose!
Let’s continue.
…I’m enraged. My heart hurts actually I’m so pissed off! Seriously? I wake up 3 or 4 or 5 minutes later than normal. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? Woosa, woosa…
I often feel chest pains when I’m really upset, are we dying? That can’t be good can it?
…I’m going to kill someone! Oh my god! Oh my god! (Crazy maniacal laughter followed by a sigh.) Really? Brake lights? (Crazy maniacal laughter) I’m going to snap! I’M GOING TO SNAP EL DIABLO! (All said in her crazy voice.)…
Right now as you can imagine I have tears rolling out of my eyes I’m laughing so hard. I have listened to this message over ten times, it never gets old. But honestly the crazy laugh is what does it for me; she’s so good at it!
…(Crazy voice) I just don’t think I could convey the fucking rage in a text message. (Babbles incoherently for a moment) WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM PEOPLE? Move your fucking asses! COCKSUCKER MOTHER FUCKING SHIT MOTHER FUCKERS!...
The next part is a guess on my part because she said it too fast.
…Have a hell of a day, goodbye!
It could have been something different. Anything that she says is hilarious! Oh god, I’m sitting here collapsed in a fit of silent giggles. That brightened my day save for getting away with actual murder or winning the lottery or becoming a vampire. That was the best thing that happened to me all week.
Love you Satan!
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