mornings/hyundai elantra

It's really not a secret that I loathe Wednesdays. They are my days from hell, my burden to bear, my path to walk. I believe that the text I sent Satan this morning when I got onto the highway sums up my malevolence for this day.

OMG it's morning! How lovely! It just doesn't get any better than this! Ah traffic! I missed thee! Lets spend the next forty minutes together my love! I'm so glad I could shit rainbows and puppies and little elves that sing church hymns! I love life!

If you don't see the sarcasm literally bleeding from that passage then you are an obtuse inane excuse for a human being. The fact that I took it to little elves that sing church hymns was a whole other level of angry. I have issues.

Satan replied with : Fucking lovely! When I need to be early my ass leaves late. Fuck everyone! Ruse they day if they don't move their ass!

Obviously she was just as thrilled with the morning as me.

She then said : My monster is warm and god hates me.

It took all of my strength to not chuckle, because I was in a bad mood.

All I could muster was: God and I have been fighting since I was eight and I told him his beard was gay. He can fuck off with his holier than thou attitude.

Which is true. I'm seriously going to be the one who gets struck down for making fun of god. I really don't know why I blame him for everything that goes wrong. It's just easier.

Satan replied: LMAO! I'm going to go with firey hell pit pissed today.

Always an appropriate descriptor of rage, if I do say so myself.

She then said : Piece of shit! Fucking durango! I think my right arm is going to start to hurt.

I laughed at this also because she thinks its funny that I name people that drive like idiots after their cars. See the bottom of this post for a little example of this...

A few other texts she sent me that cracked my shit up were - RUE THE MOTHER FUCKING DAY PEOPLE! They have no idea of the hate and rage in my black shriveled heart!

And Oh did you need to go west?! Shouldn't you have thought about that TWO MILES BACK? PIECE OF SHIT MOTHER FUCK! The really funny part was that her phone kept saying movies instead of mother so it said 'MOVIES FUCK!' and it replaced other words that I fixed for the sake of this blog and her sanity.

Her reply to the fact that her phone was being unruly was priceless...

GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING PHONE! OH MY FUCKING CHRIST! YOU WILL PAY!

On another note Emily text me this morning when I was in English and this shit made me lose it and giggle out loud. She said: Gas is 2.19!? I'm about to tongue kiss the pump!

The library has been a hot bed of activity lately, I went last night and there was this little kid climbing all over the large rocks out front. I hate when they do that! I don't care if you want to sit on them, but for the love of Christ stay off of them! It is not a god damn jungle gym you little bastards! I text Satan - Every time I see a kid fucking around on those big rocks outside I wish for them to fall and knock out their two front teeth. It would be an added bonus if they weren't their baby teeth! I'm evil. No denying it. Rather it reminds me of when Satan was at the library on Monday she text me about all of the screaming kids running around. We hate those little bastards equally and she text me all of the evil things that she wanted to do to them, something about public transportation blowing up, I'm not sure. I did text her my new idea for anyone that crosses me - Hope they die while taking painful shits! I really think this would be fitting. I then followed it up with - LOL to be found dead next to the toilet with shit all over you. Oh the shame!

Of course now that I said this it will probably happen to me. No, maybe not. I believe Satan's prediction of me going out in traffic will be the way I go. BATWING!

As promised above...

Open letter to the driver on 36 Tuesday at 6:03 p.m.

Dear White Hyundai Elantra,

The fact that you must really love cats is lost to no one. Thank you so much for putting that random brass cat in your back window on a string so it swings and the light reflects off of it and into my eyes! It's a real joy to almost drive off of the road because of your affinity for cats! The fact that it did it more than once was your downfall. I also really enjoyed the way you insisted on riding that middle line and going ten under the speed limit. It was a real joy to be stuck behind you for over six miles. I hope that we can do it again real soon because KNOW THAT I will find you and make you pay. It may not be this week, or this year for that matter. Just know that I am coming for you and you will rue the mother fucking day. I hope I haunt your dreams. Karma is a bitch! Lock your doors, lock your windows. Nothing will keep you safe!

Lots of love & keep those cats safe and indoors,

El Diablo

*muah*

XOXO